Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Neighborhood Charity Project Spreads Joy to Those in Need
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your column about appropriate gifts for seniors. Like many families, we, too, have wrestled with the "what do we get for people who have everything?" gift dilemma. Last year, our family finally hit upon a solution. We discussed it with our grandparents. They agreed that it would be more charitable for us to give something to people who lack everyday necessities.
We adopted a battered children's shelter. Those little ones are truly refugees. They need everything from toothbrushes and hairbrushes to baby formula and diapers -- not to mention toys and games.
To our delight, our neighbors got involved in our project, too. For weeks, on Thursdays, neighbors would leave donations in a sack by their mailbox, and we would pick them up. Our goal was for every child in that shelter to wake up on Christmas morning to find packages of necessities and a few playthings.
The project created so much excitement among our neighbors that we collected enough for two shelters. There were pillows, socks, underwear, bath products, cold medicines, books, towels, baby clothes, etc. Each child also got a large gift basket, including a nonbreakable tree ornament to help him or her remember this holiday. The cost was small when spread over so many families, but the rewards couldn't have been greater. We felt our project embodied the true spirit of Christmas. It sensitized our children to the needs of others all year long.
Because it was one of the best holidays we have ever had, we're repeating the drive again this year. When people join together, everyone CAN make a difference. -- SANTA'S HELPERS IN PHOENIX
DEAR SANTA'S HELPERS: They certainly can. Witness the incredible amounts of money raised by the Red Cross and the fund for the families of the people who perished in the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.
With that in mind, I hope that readers will be sensitive to the needs of charities in their local communities this year. Because monies that would ordinarily have been donated to local charities were diverted to the East Coast tragedies, many charities in other parts of the country are having difficulty raising enough to meet their budgets for 2001. Remember, folks, charity begins at home -- and by that I mean the communities in which you dwell.
DEAR ABBY: You should be arrested for printing that hilarious story about Bud the St. Bernard. While I was driving alone on the freeway, I remembered reading about him in your column and began to laugh hysterically. I'm sure the other drivers thought I was mad!
What a dog! The woman who was stared down by Bud didn't get the message. For some reason, Bud didn't approve of her and cleverly spooked her away. That great animal should run for office. -- STILL LAUGHING, ENCINO, CALIF.
DEAR STILL LAUGHING: Whether Bud approved of her is beside the point. The woman was a guest in his owner's house. As long as the owner is home -- and presumably in charge -- the owner is supposed to be the one who decides who is welcome.
If Bud had been my dog and pulled that routine, he would have found himself in the doghouse in more ways than one.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Memory Book Keeps Deceased Parent Alive for Years Ahead
DEAR ABBY: I would like to utilize your column to reach adult relatives of the children who lost a parent in the terrorist attack of Sept. 11.
I lost my father when I was 9. He was killed in a fire as he repaired his semi. He was a young 32 years old, with five children. My mother was 27.
What my mother did 30 years ago was to keep the memory of my dad alive for us by saving his cologne, so we could remember his smell; his favorite jacket and winter coat, so we could wear them to keep us warm; his favorite albums and 8-track tapes, so we could hear his favorite songs that he loved to sing to us. I was also given a diary and photo album to put down my memories and mount my favorite photos. However, I was foolish. I didn't write down my memories because I thought I would always remember them. Those memories have faded, and now I search for those precious moments.
The surviving parent should have the children keep those precious memories fresh by writing a journal, or filling a scrapbook with things like a wrapper from the deceased parent's favorite candy bar, his or her favorite color, favorite food, way of comforting the children, where he or she liked to take them -- vacations as well as the park -- and articles from the local paper. When a friend or relative sends a condolence card, that person should include a memory of the child's parent, and any photos that could be included in the memory album. If there is more than one child, make separate albums for each, and ask them to draw or write those memories before they fade (all too quickly).
I did this for my siblings when I was 36 years old, so we each have a way to share with our families what their grandfather was like, and how their mother or father resembled him.
Thank you for helping me to help the children. -- KIM DUETSCH, DAUGHTER OF GEORGE H. DUETSCH
DEAR KIM: Your letter is filled with excellent suggestions. However, it's possible that the surviving parents of the Sept. 11 tragedy may be too overwhelmed with their own grief and loss to be as organized and involved as your mother was. If that's the case, assembling a memory book such as you describe would be a priceless gift of love from a close friend or relative -- and a timely one, with Christmas approaching.
DEAR ABBY: For more than 20 years, my husband and I have been giving gifts to his nephew, "Barry." Barry and his family live 1,300 miles away from us. We haven't seen any of them since Barry was 11. We rarely hear from him or his parents except on occasions when we're asked to send a gift. We have never received a thank-you from Barry, other than his endorsement on our check. Now Barry is being married.
My husband and I made a large contribution in the names of the bridal couple to a national charity we care about. We also sent a lovely card congratulating them and telling them about our gift. We hope this will honor the occasion, do some good for people in need, and stem the tide of gift requests. What do you think? -- NOT BUYING IT IN COLORADO
DEAR NOT BUYING IT: Don't count on it. If the pattern holds true, you'll be hearing from Barry or his parents every time a new child arrives and on their birthdays and graduations as well. However, revenge is sweet. By giving them the gift you did, you have guaranteed they'll be solicited by that charity and others till the end of time.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bully's Mean Scheme Rolls Right Out From Under Him
DEAR ABBY: I have read with interest the letters about bullies. They brought back the memory of an experience I had with our class bully. He wasn't too smart and had not been promoted. Therefore, he was older and larger than the other boys in our class. He made up for lack of self-worth by bullying the other boys.
In front of our school was a steep hill. To keep students from falling down the hill, a metal fence had been installed at the top. There was a large metal pipe on top of the fence, and we often sat on the pipe as we ate our lunch.
One day, as I was sitting on the fence, the bully walked over with a big smile on his face. He said, "I'm going to shove you off that fence and watch you tumble down the hill."
Before I could say anything, he pushed me. In desperation, I grabbed him, and as I fell off the fence I pulled him with me. He hit the ground first and I landed on top of him. As we slid down the steep hill, I rode him like he was a sled. By the time we had reached the bottom of the hill, his shirt was almost torn off and he was scratched all over.
He continued to bully some of the other boys, but he never bullied me again. In fact, he tried to avoid me. -- MANSFIELD LATIMER, ROCK HILL, S.C.
DEAR MANSFIELD: The bully may have been a little slow, but on that day, he learned about the law of gravity.
DEAR ABBY: Excuse me, but did I miss something in the letter from "Cost-Conscious in San Francisco"? Why in the name of holy matrimony is he worried about the RESALE value of a diamond engagement ring? Is he planning to sell it or pawn it in the future? Does he expect to get it back in the event of a divorce? Does he think he will need the money for his retirement? What is this guy thinking? Hello?
An engagement ring is not a financial investment! It is an emotional investment in a lifetime relationship. If this guy is worrying about the cost of an engagement ring because he thinks the marriage won't last, then he should not be getting married in the first place.
Had he said he wanted to be nontraditional and choose another kind of ring, well -- OK. But in that case, he should have signed his letter, "Already Married to My Portfolio in San Francisco." -- DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER IN DALLAS
DEAR DIAMONDS: While many readers agreed with you, I think you -- and they -- are being unnecessarily hard on the guy. According to Dawn Moore, West Coast director of sales for Harry Winston Jewelers, his question is one that many men ask. Any way you cut it -- round, emerald or pear-shaped -- a diamond is a sizable investment. It's not unusual to experience some insecurity when buying something you know nothing about. Wise shoppers want to be educated so they are not taken advantage of.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. I received a thank-you note for a wedding gift, but was thanked for the wrong gift. Should I write and tell them about the mix-up? They do not live close, so I will not be seeing them. -- WONDERING IN WEST BRANCH, IOWA
DEAR WONDERING: You should definitely write -- or call -- and explain the mix-up. Believe me, you'll be doing the newlyweds a favor. If you don't, someone else will also be thanked for the wrong gift.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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