Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Batterer's Pent Up Anxiety Erupts in Escalating Violence
DEAR ABBY: First, thank you for providing years of excellent advice and comfort to the American people. I must, however, take exception to your response to "Never Been Hit Before," whose wife slugged him in the jaw while he was driving on the freeway. I am a psychotherapist. There are some important things to know about domestic violence:
The abused husband should know that the situation will escalate. The type of anger she displayed is never about the issue. This is about the release of pent-up anxiety in the abuser. The abuse will escalate because it takes more and more anger and violence to get the abuser to the physical release she needs. Think of cocaine and how the "high" keeps demanding larger and larger doses of the drug, and you get the picture. That is why we call such people "rageaholics."
The most probable reason the wife stopped going to anger management classes is that, like most abusers, she doesn't WANT to change. She has what she wants -- a victim upon whom to focus her rage in order to get release. That is why so many abusers cry and feel loving toward their victims afterward. They are not remorseful, but momentarily grateful for the short-lived end of their own terrible anxiety, most often caused by feeling insecure and out-of-control about their own lives. They will use their victims again and again when the anxiety returns.
Abuse of this sort is an addiction. The children are being emotionally harmed every time they see and hear their father abused. He should gather them up and leave, or make sure that his wife does -- without the children. Neither he nor his children are safe. What is to prevent her from driving her family into oncoming traffic next time, picking up a weapon, or in his absence abusing the children when she needs to feel in control again?
The loss of her husband, children and home might convince her to give up her addiction. Even then, however, there are no guarantees.
All we as professionals can do is attend to the safety of the rest of the family. The husband is obviously capable of making changes and must be urged to do so -- not given the job of being his wife's therapist by explaining her challenges to her. It could trigger the next outburst of violence.
Please rethink your advice to this man, Abby. He's in a dangerous spot and must get out. -- CYNTHIA MORROW, PSY.D.
DEAR DR. MORROW: Thank you for your letter, a short course, really, on why batterers do what they do. I received a stack of mail critical of the advice I gave to "Never Been Hit Before" -- and it was deserved. Mea culpa. "Never" needs to seek professional help, both legal and psychological, before his wife's outbursts further traumatize him and their children, and I hope he wastes no time in getting it.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is 10 and in the fifth grade. She's begging me to let her shave her legs. I know a few girls on her basketball team shave, but I think it's ridiculous for a girl her age.
I believe 10-year-old girls are supposed to have hair on their legs. My girlfriend disagrees. She says if my daughter is uncomfortable with her appearance, I should let her shave. Should I relent? -- MOTHER UNDER PRESSURE
DEAR MOTHER: I see no reason to refuse your daughter permission. Girls her age want to blend in, and if shaving her legs will help her to do that, then I vote with your girlfriend.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: "Double Victim in Indiana" compared the events of Sept. 11 to a rape. My daughter Kelly, who is 24, had the same feeling and wrote a poem expressing it. It was published in our local paper. I thought you might like to share it with your readers. -- SHEILA PHILLIPS, PROUD MOM, QUOGUE, N.Y.
DEAR SHEILA: You have every right to be proud. Your daughter's poem is a knockout, and I'm pleased to share it with my readers. Read on:
A BRIGHT, SUNNY DAY
by Kelly Phillips
Is it a bright, sunny day with freedom in the air
That fosters pure fright, forcing people to stare
Up in the sky and only to see
An epidemic of evil raping you and me?
Tell me, what is the beauty of a bright, sunny day
When hatred erupts in a toxic display
Of blood and bones, of steel and stones,
Of blackest black, of screams and moans?
And so I say, let it rain a relentless pour.
Let humanity find a way not to ignore
This shameful show of cowardice from the weak,
And return to the honor and the normalcy we seek.
Yes, let it rain.
Let the souls cry of those from wars past,
Free their tears from the sky.
Let them weep and cleanse us from such sordid dismay
So we may once again appreciate
A bright, sunny day.
DEAR ABBY: As we struggle with the emotional impact of the large-scale damage and loss of life, and the feelings of uncertainty following the terrorist attacks on New York City and Washington, D.C., we must be aware that stressful times can be particularly difficult for people who are vulnerable to substance abuse or recovering from addiction.
Research and clinical experience have demonstrated that high levels of stress can lead individuals to turn to drugs, alcohol or tobacco in an attempt to alleviate their anxiety. Stress is one of the most powerful triggers for relapses in recovering addicts, even after long periods of abstinence.
We must all be attentive to how we, our family, friends and colleagues are responding to these tragic events. We must be alert to increases in substance abuse and seek professional help, and encourage others to do the same if it's needed.
Information about the prevention and treatment of drug abuse can be found on the National Institute on Drug Abuse Web site at www.drugabuse.gov. -- ALAN I. LESHNER, PH.D., DIRECTOR, NATIONAL INSTITUTE ON DRUG ABUSE
DEAR DR. LESHNER: Thank you for the information. I'm printing your letter to alert my readers that stress can lead to "bingeing" behavior that includes sex and food, as well as substance abuse.
So what's a person to do in an effort to cope with stress? Recognize when you need help and locate a support group, begin a program of regular cardiovascular exercise, yoga or meditation, associate with positive people, and volunteer your free time to better the lives of those less fortunate in your local communities. All these are HEALTHY ways to banish stress and take your mind off your troubles. (And yes, everyone backslides now and then; the solution is to forgive yourself, re-dedicate yourself to your goal and move forward.)
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
STRUGGLING COUPLE TRIES TO OPT OUT OF FAMILY GIFT EXCHANGE
DEAR ABBY: It may seem early for holiday squabbles, but they have already begun in our family. My brother, "Arlen," and his wife, "Lurline," are hosting the Christmas get-together. I took my brother aside after church last week and told him that due to the weakened economy, our business is struggling and we are barely keeping our heads above water. I said we couldn't participate in the family's annual gift exchange and he seemed to understand.
A couple of days later, my mother called and raised Cain. She said since Arlen and Lurline are hosting the party, we must go along with the gift exchange. Mom said the expense they were going to for the party -- although it is to be a potluck -- obligated us to exchange gifts with everyone. She added that my four sisters and their husbands were participating, and it would look "funny" if we didn't.
Abby, it angers me that we're being pressured to exchange gifts when our budget is already stretched to the max. Why can't Mother understand our predicament? This is turning into a sour holiday season, and I don't know if we should go in debt for gifts or not. We live in a community less than 30 minutes away from the family, so skipping the party isn't an option. What's the answer? -- DEE DEE IN COLORADO
DEAR DEE DEE: Your mother may have meant well, but she should have stayed out of it. Under no circumstances should anyone with a business that's struggling to stay above water go into debt for Christmas gifts in order to keep up appearances.
The true meaning of Christmas is the love you share for each other, not the presents. You can write a short letter to each of your siblings explaining the circumstances, telling them that you love them, but a gift is not possible this year.
However, keep in mind that there are alternatives to expensive gifts -- home-baked goodies, coupons for raking leaves or shoveling show, even an IOU for hosting a family dinner at your house sometime next year when your finances have improved.
The most important "gift" is the fact that you're all healthy and able to celebrate the holiday together. Many families aren't that fortunate.
DEAR ABBY: I'm hoping you can reprint a letter that was previously printed in your column. It was about a child who had two grandmothers with very different interests.
At the time, our son was dating a wonderful young lady. Her mother and I had both seen your column and remarked that if our children were ever to marry, our situation would be similar.
Much to our delight, they did marry, and now they are expecting their first child. I have thought of the letter in your column many times. I would love to read it again. -- CHARLOTTE IN RICHFIELD, MINN.
DEAR CHARLOTTE: And I would love to print it again. It carries an important message. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You often hear from people who feel trapped into "competitive grandparenting," feeling they must match the in-laws gift for gift. The same sort of comparison can develop between parents and stepparents. The kids encourage it because of all the goodies they get.
I recently heard my mother deal with the issue in a wonderful way. My sister's 5-year-old was visiting my mother and asked, "Are you going to take me to the toy store? Grandma Johnson always does."
I was horrified because my parents are nowhere near as well off as the "Johnsons." But Mother didn't get defensive. She just said, "Different grandmas are good at different things. Grandma Johnson is your SHOPPING grandma, and I am your COOKING grandma." And they went into the kitchen and made brownies!
Isn't that beautiful? I don't have any grandkids yet, but I have already decided to be their "reading grandma." -- AUNTIE M IN SAN DIEGO
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)