For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
On This Day, as on Every Day, Don't Tolerate Drunk Driving
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading "Still Shaking's" letter to you about drunk driving. I am a 20-year-old college student. I hope you will print my letter as well, because teens and young adults can't hear this enough: DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. YOU ARE NOT INVINCIBLE.
Although I'm ashamed to admit it, I have been a passenger in a car with a drunk driver. Never again. Sometimes it takes hearing a horror story to make an impression on young people, so here goes:
My best childhood friend drove home drunk from a party last Saturday night. She had a 17-year-old passenger with her. My friend crashed into two utility poles three blocks from her house. Her passenger was killed. At 20 years of age, my bright and funny friend is facing charges of manslaughter drunk driving. Worse, she must face the grief she has inflicted on the girl's family and live with the guilt of killing her friend long past any prison time she may serve.
Please, to my peers: As that lucky girl, "Still Shaking," begged you before, don't drive drunk, AND DON'T GET INTO A CAR WITH A DRUNK DRIVER. "Only one time" can kill you. "It's just down the street" can kill you. Or worse, it may kill a friend. -- SHOCKED AND SOBERED, AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR SHOCKED AND SOBERED: Your letter is timely because today is a holiday when even those who rarely drink are sometimes tempted or coerced into "having a little nip" -- and maybe two or three -- to welcome the new year and toast the passing of the last one. It's also an occasion when people who are not used to drinking tend to binge. The result is intoxicated drivers on the road -- a menace to themselves and everyone around them. I hope that this year, party-goers of every age will pay attention to your important warning. Drunk driving is not limited only to younger people.
DEAR ABBY: The story in your column about people having themselves paged in a hotel lobby for recognition reminded me of the time I was a patient in our local hospital. I happened to be chairman of the board of trustees of the hospital as well.
My room was in a normally quiet wing of the post-surgical floor when I became aware of the pages being broadcast over the hospital intercom system. One doctor in particular seemed to be in great demand. When I did a little investigating, I learned that he had himself paged on an ongoing basis -- sometimes even when he wasn't in the hospital -- as "free advertising." (He thought that if people heard his name being broadcast often, they would think he must be a great doctor.)
Needless to say, the audio paging was soon stopped. Now doctors are paged only on their personal systems. -- A READER IN PALM BEACH, FLA.
DEAR READER: I'll bet the patients are grateful for the peace and quiet. When someone is ill and trying to recover, incessant pages such as you have described are about as welcome as telemarketing calls while you're taking your Saturday night bath.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Farewell to 2001 -- what a year this has been! Let's all say a prayer for world peace, for the health and safety of President Bush and Vice President Cheney, and for our members of the military who are far from their loved ones today. It takes only a minute to send greetings to our troops around the globe. Simply e-mail them at www.OperationDearAbby.net and wish them Happy New Year. And to all of you, a happy, healthy and prosperous 2002.
Wife Has No Cause to Rejoice for This Good Christian Man
DEAR ABBY: My first husband died of cancer in 1997. In 1999, I met a man on the Internet -- I'll call him Roland. Roland and I have been married for 23 months. He is a division chaplain (colonel) in the Army Reserves, a part-time pastor in a small church and also a marriage therapist.
Roland has suddenly decided he doesn't want to be married anymore. Last summer he bought a red Corvette, and recently he purchased a bottle of Grecian Formula. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered e-mails he had written to other women saying he wants a "special lady" in his life. (Abby, that's what I thought I was!)
Please warn women about being on the Internet, even the Christian sites. At 55, I'm facing being single again, and it's no fun. Roland is sweet, charming, and even says grace in restaurants before a meal. I'm not the kind of woman who "has" to have a man, thank goodness, but I just thought I had met the right one. Where did I go wrong? -- DISILLUSIONED IN CLARKSVILLE, TENN.
DEAR DISILLUSIONED: You naively believed that a man you met on a Christian Web site was automatically a "good" Christian. I don't know what problems he brought to the relationship, but it appears he started having one heck of a midlife crisis last summer. Either that, or you married a wolf in pastor's clothing.
Although you're not the kind of woman who "has" to have a man, please don't lose faith in all men. There are some terrific men out there, but none of them comes with a money-back guarantee.
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 55 years used to be verbally abusive when things didn't go right for him.
Some years ago, you suggested that if someone was angry with his or her spouse, a list of 10 admirable qualities be written down before expressing anger.
My husband took your advice. He composed a list of 13 things he admired about me and gave it to me. Abby, he has been a new person since then, and reading his list has made me a better person, too.
Other people should try it. I have enclosed his list in case you would like to share it with your readers. -- BERTHA IN PIQUA, OHIO
DEAR BERTHA: I'm almost hesitant to do so, for fear that you'll be stolen away by someone who wants to place you on an even higher pedestal.
BERTHA'S GOOD POINTS
(1) Good mother to the kids
(2) Good worker
(3) Helped me get a house
(4) Helped me leave the farm
(5) Is respected by others
(6) Is dependable and faithful
(7) Good cook and housekeeper
(8) Good with business
(9) Good shopper and money manager
(10) Good seamstress and canner
(11) Good education; very smart
(12) Good lover
(13) Good-looking, neat, and good dresser
P.S. Bertha, now it's time for you to list your husband's finer qualities. First on the list should be his willingness to change.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
BIRTHDAY GIRL'S PARTY IS NOT HAPPY OCCASION FOR GUEST
DEAR ABBY: I am knee-deep in a quandary. I have a 30-something-year-old friend who throws herself a girls-only birthday party every year.
This soiree always takes place at a nice restaurant selected by the hostess, where guests are expected to pay for their own drinks and meals. The cost usually runs from $60 to $80 per person. In addition, each guest is expected to bring the "birthday girl" a gift.
In years past, I have come up with excuses in order to get out of attending. This year I learned through the grapevine that I'm not the only one who is reluctant to go.
With the economy being what it is, I cannot justify the expenditure of attending this party. How would you suggest I go about being removed from the guest list this year (and in the future)? -- COUNT ME OUT IN SAN JOSE
DEAR COUNT ME OUT: Tell the "birthday girl" you have other plans this year. Then talk to the other guests on the list for this annual tribute and suggest that all of you get together mid-year to celebrate your collective birthdays, with the understanding that your treasured friendship should be the only gift allowed.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Lenny," and I met through mutual friends back in 1988 and have been together ever since. We have a good life and two wonderful children.
My problem is that Lenny is a very jealous man. The other night, we were at a hockey game, and one of the guys I work with came over to say hello. I introduced him to Lenny and they shook hands. I could see my husband getting noticeably upset. Now he insists I'm cheating with this co-worker.
Several times within the last year, Lenny has accused me of being unfaithful. What can I do, Abby? I love my husband with all my heart and intend to spend the rest of my life with him. But I'm sick and tired of being wrongly accused when I'm innocent. -- SAD AND MAD, RICHARDSON, TEXAS
DEAR SAD AND MAD: Your husband appears to be deeply insecure with low self-esteem. His accusations are an attempt to control.
Counseling could offer the breakthrough you need, but unless Lenny is willing to admit HE'S the one with the problem, don't count on it.
DEAR ABBY: A 12-year-old boy wrote that he told his cousin he was going to commit suicide. The cousin broke his confidence and told an adult, who acted upon the information. All turned out well for the boy, who later thanked his cousin for saving his life.
As a police officer, I want to remind everyone -- especially kids -- that there are certain situations when you MUST break confidences and tell a friend or relative. Too many times we learn too late that someone knew another person was going to commit suicide or harm another, and the person who knew didn't tell anyone so the tragedy could be prevented. Many times they spend the rest of their lives experiencing unbearable guilt for not telling.
We must ask ourselves: Will someone or something be seriously harmed if I DON'T report this information? Is this a secret I can keep because it will cause no harm to anyone? -- OFFICER JAMES, FOLSOM, CALIF.
DEAR OFFICER JAMES: I agree. It's far more important to make a mature decision and save a life than to keep a dangerous secret.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)