To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: "Double Victim in Indiana" compared the events of Sept. 11 to a rape. My daughter Kelly, who is 24, had the same feeling and wrote a poem expressing it. It was published in our local paper. I thought you might like to share it with your readers. -- SHEILA PHILLIPS, PROUD MOM, QUOGUE, N.Y.
DEAR SHEILA: You have every right to be proud. Your daughter's poem is a knockout, and I'm pleased to share it with my readers. Read on:
A BRIGHT, SUNNY DAY
by Kelly Phillips
Is it a bright, sunny day with freedom in the air
That fosters pure fright, forcing people to stare
Up in the sky and only to see
An epidemic of evil raping you and me?
Tell me, what is the beauty of a bright, sunny day
When hatred erupts in a toxic display
Of blood and bones, of steel and stones,
Of blackest black, of screams and moans?
And so I say, let it rain a relentless pour.
Let humanity find a way not to ignore
This shameful show of cowardice from the weak,
And return to the honor and the normalcy we seek.
Yes, let it rain.
Let the souls cry of those from wars past,
Free their tears from the sky.
Let them weep and cleanse us from such sordid dismay
So we may once again appreciate
A bright, sunny day.
DEAR ABBY: As we struggle with the emotional impact of the large-scale damage and loss of life, and the feelings of uncertainty following the terrorist attacks on New York City and Washington, D.C., we must be aware that stressful times can be particularly difficult for people who are vulnerable to substance abuse or recovering from addiction.
Research and clinical experience have demonstrated that high levels of stress can lead individuals to turn to drugs, alcohol or tobacco in an attempt to alleviate their anxiety. Stress is one of the most powerful triggers for relapses in recovering addicts, even after long periods of abstinence.
We must all be attentive to how we, our family, friends and colleagues are responding to these tragic events. We must be alert to increases in substance abuse and seek professional help, and encourage others to do the same if it's needed.
Information about the prevention and treatment of drug abuse can be found on the National Institute on Drug Abuse Web site at www.drugabuse.gov. -- ALAN I. LESHNER, PH.D., DIRECTOR, NATIONAL INSTITUTE ON DRUG ABUSE
DEAR DR. LESHNER: Thank you for the information. I'm printing your letter to alert my readers that stress can lead to "bingeing" behavior that includes sex and food, as well as substance abuse.
So what's a person to do in an effort to cope with stress? Recognize when you need help and locate a support group, begin a program of regular cardiovascular exercise, yoga or meditation, associate with positive people, and volunteer your free time to better the lives of those less fortunate in your local communities. All these are HEALTHY ways to banish stress and take your mind off your troubles. (And yes, everyone backslides now and then; the solution is to forgive yourself, re-dedicate yourself to your goal and move forward.)
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
STRUGGLING COUPLE TRIES TO OPT OUT OF FAMILY GIFT EXCHANGE
DEAR ABBY: It may seem early for holiday squabbles, but they have already begun in our family. My brother, "Arlen," and his wife, "Lurline," are hosting the Christmas get-together. I took my brother aside after church last week and told him that due to the weakened economy, our business is struggling and we are barely keeping our heads above water. I said we couldn't participate in the family's annual gift exchange and he seemed to understand.
A couple of days later, my mother called and raised Cain. She said since Arlen and Lurline are hosting the party, we must go along with the gift exchange. Mom said the expense they were going to for the party -- although it is to be a potluck -- obligated us to exchange gifts with everyone. She added that my four sisters and their husbands were participating, and it would look "funny" if we didn't.
Abby, it angers me that we're being pressured to exchange gifts when our budget is already stretched to the max. Why can't Mother understand our predicament? This is turning into a sour holiday season, and I don't know if we should go in debt for gifts or not. We live in a community less than 30 minutes away from the family, so skipping the party isn't an option. What's the answer? -- DEE DEE IN COLORADO
DEAR DEE DEE: Your mother may have meant well, but she should have stayed out of it. Under no circumstances should anyone with a business that's struggling to stay above water go into debt for Christmas gifts in order to keep up appearances.
The true meaning of Christmas is the love you share for each other, not the presents. You can write a short letter to each of your siblings explaining the circumstances, telling them that you love them, but a gift is not possible this year.
However, keep in mind that there are alternatives to expensive gifts -- home-baked goodies, coupons for raking leaves or shoveling show, even an IOU for hosting a family dinner at your house sometime next year when your finances have improved.
The most important "gift" is the fact that you're all healthy and able to celebrate the holiday together. Many families aren't that fortunate.
DEAR ABBY: I'm hoping you can reprint a letter that was previously printed in your column. It was about a child who had two grandmothers with very different interests.
At the time, our son was dating a wonderful young lady. Her mother and I had both seen your column and remarked that if our children were ever to marry, our situation would be similar.
Much to our delight, they did marry, and now they are expecting their first child. I have thought of the letter in your column many times. I would love to read it again. -- CHARLOTTE IN RICHFIELD, MINN.
DEAR CHARLOTTE: And I would love to print it again. It carries an important message. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You often hear from people who feel trapped into "competitive grandparenting," feeling they must match the in-laws gift for gift. The same sort of comparison can develop between parents and stepparents. The kids encourage it because of all the goodies they get.
I recently heard my mother deal with the issue in a wonderful way. My sister's 5-year-old was visiting my mother and asked, "Are you going to take me to the toy store? Grandma Johnson always does."
I was horrified because my parents are nowhere near as well off as the "Johnsons." But Mother didn't get defensive. She just said, "Different grandmas are good at different things. Grandma Johnson is your SHOPPING grandma, and I am your COOKING grandma." And they went into the kitchen and made brownies!
Isn't that beautiful? I don't have any grandkids yet, but I have already decided to be their "reading grandma." -- AUNTIE M IN SAN DIEGO
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Masseuse's Constant Chatter Leaves Client Feeling Tense
DEAR ABBY: As a treat to myself, every two weeks for the past several years I have gone to "Natasha," a professional massage therapist. Like my hairdresser, Natasha has become not so much a business acquaintance as a friend. That's why I need your advice.
Natasha constantly talks and tries to engage me in conversation during my massage. I don't want to be rude, but I would get more out of the massage if she talked less and allowed me to relax in peace and quiet. How can I tell her without hurting her feelings?
The massage costs me $90 a session. The way things are now, I don't feel I'm getting my money's worth. -- TIED IN KNOTS IN TEXAS
DEAR TIED IN KNOTS: Stiffen your spine and level with your masseuse. As a paying customer, you have a right to relax and not be distracted during the session. As a professional, she should understand.
However, since you and Natasha are friends, make it clear that you and she can enjoy a lunch or dinner together for social conversation between appointments.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from the very pregnant lady who couldn't get a seat on the subway brought back one of my fondest memories.
Back in the '50s when I was expecting my first child, I would wait each morning at a downtown Dallas street corner for a streetcar. It was a busy transfer point, and although my pregnancy was obvious, I could never manage to get a seat -- so I'd have to stand up most of the way.
One morning a man made a mad dash for the streetcar. When it stopped, he stood in the doorway and threw his arms across the entrance, announcing to everyone, "No one gets on until this lady gets a seat!" As you might guess, I didn't have any trouble getting one.
I had never noticed the man before, and I never saw him after that day, but that one encounter with this special person has kept me smiling for decades. I think of him as my guardian angel. -- VIRGINIA IN DALLAS
DEAR VIRGINIA: He was either your guardian angel or a blocker for a football team. Anyone who would refuse to yield a seat to a pregnant lady should be forced to walk a mile in her support hose.
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from the 90-year-old Missouri recycler about what she did with her old pantyhose.
A few years ago, while driving through a remote area of Arizona in an RV with my sister and her husband, one of the belts on their engine broke. We were stranded.
Fortunately for us, a truck stopped, and the driver offered to help. When we explained our dilemma, he asked, "Do either of you ladies have a pair of pantyhose?" My sister produced a pair. He promptly cut off the legs and twisted them into a rope-like band that he placed around the engine pulleys. We started the engine and drove 50 miles per hour behind our kind rescuer to the next town -- 16 miles away -- where we were able to purchase a real belt.
This goes to prove that old pantyhose have an afterlife. -- BOB STAUFFER, GIG HARBOR, WASH.
DEAR BOB: I have heard of using old pantyhose strips to tie vines to trellises, but yours is the most unusual and inventive use for pantyhose I have ever encountered. How ingenious!
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)