For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Who's After Golf Pro May Get Stuck in the Rough
DEAR ABBY: My mother is divorced and currently dating "Scott," a golf pro. He lives with another woman I'll call Alice. When Scott and my mother met in a bar a year ago, he was honest about the fact he was living with someone. Alice is the woman Scott left his wife for. They moved here together from another state. However, he told my mother his relationship with Alice was essentially over and he was waiting for the "right time" to leave.
According to Scott, he owns no furniture or household appliances, and the truck he drives is in Alice's name. He says if he had any assets his ex-wife would claim them. He's not even listed in our local phone book.
My sisters and I see red flags and have warned Mother. She ordered us to stay out of her life. Mother believes if she holds out long enough, Scott will leave Alice and come running to her. She believes everything he says.
This has caused a huge rift in our family. I know Mother doesn't want to be alone, but her desperate attempts to turn this "romance" into something lasting frighten me. She did give Scott an ultimatum about leaving Alice, which he did briefly, and then returned to her -- but Mother continues to see him.
I don't understand why Mother isn't angry and has so little pride and self-respect. It has taken all my strength not to call Alice and tell her what is going on. Scott is taking advantage of TWO women.
Abby, am I way off base, or does this situation have all the makings of a disaster? -- LOVE IS BLIND AND STUPID IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR LOVE IS BLIND: Your mother knows the risk she is taking. She is after a swinger with a serious "handicap." Sadly, even if she wins, she's going to wind up with a loser.
Please try not to judge her harshly. If you can, involve her in activities where she might meet someone eligible who shares her interests. Then cross your fingers and pray.
DEAR ABBY: I am married. I love my husband, but I kissed another man. I feel awful about this. It was crazy, but I enjoyed the momentary escape from reality. Any advice on how to deal with this? -- FEELING GUILTY IN MICHIGAN
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: What you did was impulsive, foolish and risky, and sent the wrong message to the man involved. Before it happens again -- and you feel even worse -- please schedule some sessions with a counselor to find out what made you vulnerable to this indiscretion.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are looking forward to entertaining in our home. Neither of us drinks alcohol, and we prefer not to have any in our home. Can you help us with an appropriate way to communicate that to our guests? -- T. TOTALLER IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR T.: Actions speak louder than words. An appropriate way to get your message across is simply to serve a variety of tasty, non-alcoholic beverages at your gatherings.
If one of your guests mentions it, don't hesitate to tell that person exactly what you have told me. In your home, you make the rules.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
GOOD WORDS LIVE ON LONG AFTER THEY'VE BEEN WRITTEN
DEAR ABBY: Would you please reprint the letter from Sister H.P.M. of St. Paul, Minn.? In a nation of so much unrest since Sept. 11, and the tragedies of the school shootings in the recent past, now is the time for America's teachers to take action. Sometimes one small gesture of caring is enough to let people know they are appreciated and important. -- FAITHFUL READER, MONROE, MICH.
DEAR READER: Thank you for requesting that inspirational letter. I'm pleased to run it again:
DEAR ABBY: I have been retired from teaching for many years and would like to share a lesson I learned that stands out in my memory like no other.
I was young, teaching math at the junior high school level. We had worked hard on a new concept all week and the students were very stressed. They were frowning, frustrated and carping at each other and me. Wanting to stop the crankiness before it got out of hand, I asked the students in the room to take out two sheets of paper and list the names of the other students in the room, leaving space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish the assignment. When the students handed me the papers and left, they seemed more relaxed.
That weekend, I wrote the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper and listed what the students had said about that individual. On Monday, I gave each student his or her list. Before long, everyone was smiling. "Really?" I heard one whisper. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone." "I didn't know anyone liked me that much!"
The assignment was never mentioned again, but it didn't matter, because the exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students felt better about themselves and each other.
Years later, I was asked to attend the funeral of one of those students, a promising young man even when I taught him in junior high school. I was deeply saddened by his untimely death in Vietnam.
The church was packed with "Mark's" friends, many of whom had been his classmates and students of mine.
After the funeral, I and many of Mark's former classmates were invited to his parents' house. They approached me and said, "We want to show you something. Mark was carrying this when he was killed." His father pulled something from a wallet. It was the list of all the good things Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."
A group of Mark's classmates overheard the exchange. One smiled sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in my diary." "I put mine in our wedding album," said another. "I bet we all saved them," said someone else. "I carry mine with me at all times."
That's when I finally cried. The lesson my former students taught me that day became a standard in every class I taught for the rest of my career. -- SISTER H.P.M., ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR SISTER H.P.M.: Your students were fortunate, indeed. They learned at an early age that "Good words are worth much, and cost little." (George Herbert, 1593-1633)
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Father of Flower Girl Finds It's No Bed of Roses at Home
DEAR ABBY: My nephew is being married in a few months and has asked my 7-year-old daughter, "Shelley," to be the flower girl in his wedding. He is her godfather.
I also have a 5-year-old daughter, "Ruthie." My wife thinks it is unfair that Ruthie wasn't asked to be in the wedding because "it's every little girl's dream" to be a flower girl. The truth is, Ruthie did not feel slighted in the least when she heard Shelley was asked. However, my wife, her mother, two sisters and a couple of her friends think it is wrong and mean-spirited for Ruthie not to be included.
This argument has caused a great deal of strain between my wife and me. She has even stated that rather than attending the wedding, she may stay home with Ruthie. Abby, do you think I am being an insensitive father for not telling my nephew that he must ask BOTH girls to be flower girls? -- BEWILDERED IN TEXAS
DEAR BEWILDERED: Certainly not. Being a flower girl isn't "every little girl's dream" unless someone has planted the notion. Tell your wife and the meddling in-laws to stop interfering with your nephew's wedding plans. If your wife prefers to stay home with your 5-year-old, that's her choice.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my father's heart surgeon. He is extremely busy and calls less and less often as the weeks go by. He makes very little time to see me, although he claims he will make more time for me in the future. I know he has a lot of pressure, but I'm sure he doesn't do heart surgery 24 hours a day.
Every time I decide to give up on him, he calls, apologizes, and promises to see me "soon." He also pays me lavish compliments. I really like him a lot, but the relationship is going nowhere.
What must I do to resolve the situation? I don't have the strength to say no. -- HEARTBROKEN OKLAHOMAN
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Don't let this cardiologist break your heart, and don't burn your bridges. Accept his compliments, issue no ultimatums, and make it a priority to meet and date other eligible men. He may, indeed, have an extremely full schedule. However, until he's willing to place you higher on his list of priorities, make sure your social calendar is as full as you want it to be.
DEAR ABBY: I thought you and your readers might enjoy these announcements from actual church bulletins. Get ready to chuckle! -- LOIS IN HELLERTOWN, PA.
DEAR LOIS: Although these have appeared in my column before, I'm sure many people would welcome a chuckle. Read on:
ANNOUNCEMENTS
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
2. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Jenny Palmer to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
3. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and may be seen in the fellowship hall all day Friday.
4. This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
5. Tonight's sermon will be "What is Hell?" Come early and hear our choir practice.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)