Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Parents Who Shower Together Can Safely Leave Their Kids
DEAR ABBY: Hello? Is anybody home? How could you agree with "Lucy in Cheyenne, Wyo.," who admonished married couples not to shower together because they leave the children unsupervised when they do? Tell that ice cube to get a life!
Are we to assume that single parents don't bathe? Or that in a two-parent household, Mom doesn't shower unless Dad is at home to watch the kids? Do they take turns sleeping?
Obviously, Lucy never had kids. And, with her negative attitude about physical closeness, she probably never will! -- JOYCE IN DOLTON, ILL.
DEAR JOYCE: Cool off. Lucy and I both stand corrected. As long as the child is secured in a playpen or a child-proofed room, it's probably going to be just fine if the parents take a shower break. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am so steamed, I can hardly sit still to write you!
As an extremely busy mother of three active boys (one with special needs), I want to tell "Lucy" to MYOB.
Couples have to give up a lot (albeit willingly) when their children are born. Sneaking a few private moments in the shower while their little ones are asleep or behind a security gate is neither neglectful nor unsafe.
Why? Baby monitors! They are so sensitive you can hear your child breathing, much less waking up and crying for attention.
Loving, affectionate parents who enjoy intimacy are among the greatest gifts you can give a child, assuring them of a stable home life. -- MAD REDHEAD IN TEXAS
DEAR MAD REDHEAD: That's true. Couples who play together usually stay together.
DEAR ABBY: "Smokeless but Outnumbered in Pennsylvania," who dreaded the thought of her heavy-smoking in-laws holding her newborn baby, has a legitimate concern. Many smokers have the mistaken idea that their secondhand smoke is a gas that is "gone with the wind" when the cigarette goes out.
Quite the contrary. Cigarette smoke produces microscopic particles of carcinogenic substances that land on clothing, skin and hair. These particles are stirred up with every movement and drift into the air and can be inhaled by those around them long after the cigarette is out.
People who are subject to secondhand smoke have a four times greater chance of getting lung cancer than those not exposed. As a respiratory therapist who works in pediatric intensive care, I am always outraged when I have a pediatric patient who is struggling to breathe, and Mom and/or Dad and/or relatives come into the room reeking of cigarettes. I try to explain that even though they go outside to smoke, they are bringing particles into the room that have clung to their hair and clothing.
Smokers should take a paper towel and wipe down the windows of their cars. That yellow stain on the paper towel is not a gas but an accumulation of microscopic particles that also lodge in people's lungs.
I would urge "Smokeless" to allow her in-laws to hold her baby only after they shampoo, shower and put on clean clothes since their last cigarette. A baby can't defend itself. If her husband won't, then she has to. -- BOB CRONIN, CAPE ELIZABETH, MAINE
DEAR BOB: You have written a powerful letter. If it convinces just one set of young parents to assert themselves on their child's behalf, then it was well worth the space in my column.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Alarm Is Pitched Too High for Hearing Impaired Man
DEAR ABBY: National Fire Protection Association President John M. Buckman III urged families to change the batteries in their smoke alarms when changing their clocks back to standard time.
I recently installed two smoke alarms in my home with the help of an elderly gentleman friend. When the job was done, I pushed the test button and the sound nearly knocked me off my feet.
My friend didn't bat an eye. When I asked him if he had heard it, his response was, "Heard what?" I asked him to put his ear next to the alarm and pushed the button again with the same result. I knew he couldn't hear high-pitched sounds like the singing of birds, but the alarm sound was so sharp and intrusive I couldn't believe he didn't hear it.
I called the 800-number listed on the brochure and was told the alarms are manufactured with only one pitch!
Are people afflicted with this condition expected to remain at risk should fire erupt in their home because no one makes an alarm attuned to their disability?
It would seem like a simple adjustment to make alarms with a lower pitch audible to everyone. Mr. Buckman asked you to remind readers about the importance of maintaining working smoke alarms. I would like to remind him about how important it is they work for everyone, including people with hearing impairments.
Now that I've sounded my alarm, I hope it is heard by those who can respond to it. -- CONCERNED READER, NEWPORT, VT.
DEAR CONCERNED READER: Your letter is news to me -- and I'm sure it will be of interest to many others. Surely some enterprising manufacturer will see the wisdom of producing a smoke alarm with an adjustable tone that would make it audible to almost everyone. There is clearly a market for such a product.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters about the elderly widower whose daughters drove away his second wife and thwarted his subsequent attempts to find love, I offer some suggestions:
1. Rather than telling his daughters to take a flying leap or rewriting his will, he should pick up the phone and call his daughters every day. If they're not home, he should call again and demand to know where they were.
2. Call them several other times a day just to tell them how lonesome he is.
3. Tell them how much he misses their mother -- and whine.
4. Try the phrase, "I don't want to worry you, but ..." and complain he's not feeling well, making sure to fully describe every ache and pain.
5. Invite them to his house, saying he needs their help with something -- and whine some more.
6. Drop by for meals unannounced. Better still, stop by any time of day or night and hang around, making a nuisance of himself.
7. Be sure to criticize their housekeeping, child-rearing and anything else he can think of.
If he does this often enough, he'll make them wish he WOULD remarry. -- ANN RIDDELL, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR ANN: You're a clever psychologist. If Dad were to become unrelentingly needy and demanding, his self-centered daughters would probably waste no time in distancing themselves.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
MAN WHO WOULD PREVENT DRUNK DRIVING WONDERS HOW FAR TO GO
DEAR ABBY: We've all heard the statement, "Friends don't let friends drive drunk." My question is this: To what extent should a friend go in order to prevent someone from driving drunk?
I am a 6-foot guy who is in good shape. I'm sure I could prevent anyone from getting behind the wheel, but let's just say it could get ugly.
With all the danger and devastation that could result from drunk drivers, is it reasonable to use physical force to stop them -- or should one's protests end at a verbal level?
Thanks in advance for setting me straight, Abby. I want to do the right thing. -- ERIC IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR ERIC: In the past I have advised concerned friends to "do whatever it takes" to prevent an obviously drunk person from getting behind the wheel.
But in 1999 a reader did me one better. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: ... Twice I have had to take car keys from drunken friends who insisted they could drive ... later, they both thanked me.
On another occasion, I tricked a large male friend (who was almost too drunk to stand) by switching his keys for mine. I simply said, "Hey, you've got the wrong keys," holding out mine and grabbing his. Abby, he bought it -- and when he couldn't get his car started, he just slept it off behind the wheel of his car, which was parked in my driveway. Later, upon reflection, he realized what he'd done and thanked me profusely for "saving a few lives that night." (It's been more than four years and he hasn't touched a drop since.)
The point is: ANYTHING is better than a drunk driver on the streets or highways. Do whatever it takes -- remember, one intoxicated person is usually no match for two or more sober ones. You can outwit them -- or you can use force if necessary. Everyone I have mentioned in this letter was at least twice my size. I'm female, 5 feet, 2 inches and weigh less than 100 pounds. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AND I'LL KEEP DOING IT
DEAR BEEN THERE: I admire your gutsiness and ingenuity in switching car keys with your drunken male friend. However, knowing how unpredictable a person under the influence can be, I would never recommend using force to dissuade someone from driving, because it could provoke violence. It's deplorable, but I've seen it happen.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 29 years old, a single mother of three kids, and I have been dating one guy exclusively for about five years. We live together in a house he inherited from his grandmother.
Every time his mother comes into town, he asks my kids and me to pack up all our stuff and leave until she's gone. He says it's because his mother doesn't want us to live together until we're married and that she was raised in this house. What do you think? -- PUT OUT IN PHOENIX
DEAR PUT OUT: I think after five years, it's time you stopped clinging to this fully grown boy and found a man who is marriage-minded. His insistence that you take the children and move out when his mother comes to town means he's unwilling or unable to stand up to her disapproval.
Children need stability. Being uprooted every time this woman visits cannot be good for them emotionally. Please understand that this is only a sample of what your future holds, if at any point you and this man marry. His mother's approval will always come before the welfare of you and your children.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)