Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Afghanistan's Democratic Past Forgotten in Tragic Present
DEAR ABBY: When it comes to the subject of Afghanistan, many people write as if Afghans never knew democracy or freedom. I am writing you today because I knew a very different Afghanistan. In fact, my husband helped to write Afghanistan's constitution in 1964, which included universal suffrage, an equal rights amendment for women (including provisions for equal pay), and a separate judiciary. Women were members of Afghanistan's parliament; some were judges.
I am deeply pained to think that many people view Afghans as illiterate refugees who look different and live differently than Americans, when in fact, we have many things in common. For example, I attended high school in Afghanistan, played on a sports team after school and worked outside the home.
Unfortunately, the Taliban erased this from the global community's mind in only five short years. They burned the books, banned music, and forbade Afghans from congregating in twos or threes. People now think that Afghans have always lived this way -- when in reality the Taliban came into our country and took our liberties and freedoms away. The Taliban are regarded by many Afghans as an occupying force that does not respect the Afghan culture or way of life.
I am thankful for the help of groups here in the United States, such as the Feminist Majority Foundation, who have worked tirelessly to educate the American public about the atrocities committed by the Taliban and to urge the U.S. government to stop the human rights abuses against the Afghan people, particularly women and girls. I hope that we will soon see our constitution returned to its rightful place in Afghan society. -- SARA AMIRYAR
DEAR SARA: I join you in that hope.
P.S. When the subject of the Taliban's abuse of women in Afghanistan first appeared in this column, some people wondered why I would print a letter about women in a country so far from our own. As we now know, a regime that would perpetrate such flagrant human rights abuses against half its population is capable of supporting terrorism and murder anywhere. Those interested in participating in the Feminist Majority Foundation's Campaign to Stop Gender Apartheid may call 1-888-WE-WOMEN (1-888-939-6636) or visit www.helpafghanwomen.com.
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired family physician. Recently I was traveling on the interstate highway when I observed an auto accident. A policeman was as near as I, so we both got to the wreck at the same time.
It turned out my medical services weren't needed. However, the policeman's first direction to the driver was to turn off the ignition. Everyone should know about this. Stopping sparks that might start a fire is crucial. The people in the vehicle were wearing seat belts. It would be terrible to have one's life saved by a seat belt, only to lose it in a fire.
Please share this with your readers. -- FRANK B. ADAMS JR., M.D., SENECA, S.C.
DEAR DR. ADAMS: Gladly. Your suggestion is a sensible one. People who have just had an auto accident are often so shocked and distracted that they don't think to do the obvious.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: As a 65-year-old, I am no youngster. I have a big problem. I have a friend, "Manny," who is 74; his wife, "Alice," is 73. Every time I visit their home, Alice beats up on Manny. Not physically, but mentally. She cusses and yells and puts him down. I am considered a family friend, so she does not ask me to leave or step out of the room. She just starts in on poor Manny.
This is a terrible situation. Alice has driven away every friend Manny's ever had. I could go on and on. It makes me sick. I feel caught in the middle, and I don't want to be in the middle of a man-and-wife problem.
I don't want to tell Manny I can no longer be his friend because of his wife's behavior, and I also don't feel it's my place to protect him from his wife.
Manny has a lot of medical problems. He has emphysema and is on oxygen 24 hours a day. He also recently got a pacemaker. For obvious reasons, he's no longer handy around the house. I try to help, but sometimes I feel what's the point in visiting them? Any suggestions? -- BILL IN PALM SPRINGS
DEAR BILL: Take Alice aside and tell her you are worried about HER. She seems to be experiencing caregiver burnout. Perhaps if she gets additional help and some time for herself, she'll be more tolerant. If she refuses, tell her you have no choice but to report her to adult protective services for elder abuse.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I separated three years ago, right after the birth of our second daughter. He said he didn't love me anymore and was no longer attracted to me.
We are now divorced. Abby, he never comes around to see the girls. He won't even call once in a while to find out how they're doing. The only time he sees them is the rare occasion when I call upon him to baby-sit.
As a single mom with a demanding career that takes me out of town on a regular basis, I am blessed to have two devoted baby sitters. One is my mother, and the other is a good friend and neighbor who happens to be male. His name is "Anthony." In the last year, the girls have grown very fond of Anthony and have started calling him "Daddy," since they spend far more time with him than with their own father. Anthony doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he says he's proud to be part of their lives, and has talked to me more than once about becoming a permanent part of ALL our lives.
Anthony is divorced with two children of his own. Would it be inappropriate for me to start something romantic with him, or should our friendship be left alone? Above all, I want what's best for my little girls. -- CONFUSED BUT HOPEFUL, SANTA MARIA, CALIF.
DEAR CONFUSED BUT HOPEFUL: There's nothing inappropriate about two single people dating. Start slow -- dinner, movies, walks. Plan activities that include your children and his. Find out how you all relate to one another. If you have a romantic future with Anthony, you will know it soon enough. If there is no romantic spark, maintain your friendship and a good-neighbor policy.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Girls Win Self Confidence Through Competitive Sports
DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter recently won the national gold medal for teen-age girls in the Gold's Gym-sponsored National Sports Aerobic Championship. While she is petite and shy, I watched her become 10 feet tall on stage, demonstrating self-confidence, strength and real beauty.
Besides being proud, I would like to remind other parents that exercise and sports competition can greatly help teen-age girls with their body image. They learn grace and confidence, and become aware that they are much more than their outward physical appearance.
In sports aerobics, for example, the confidence girls gain by mastering the moves and intensity of the competition will carry them forward for a lifetime. So, encourage your daughters to get physical. It makes all the difference in how they feel about themselves. I've seen it with my daughter, and I've seen it with her friends. -- PROUD MOM IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR PROUD MOM: You and your daughter are a winning team. The support of a proud and loving parent can help any girl to feel like a champion.
I know from personal experience the wisdom of your praise of exercise and sports. Both can produce many positive rewards, including the confidence, fitness and good physical and mental health you have described.
For girls who are less comfortable with organized or competitive sports than your daughter, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services offers many helpful tips on its Web site at www.girlpower.gov: "Each day ... do about 30 to 60 minutes of moderate physical activity, like walking or riding a bike. Or, at least three times a week, challenge yourself to 15 to 20 minutes of more intense activities. ... Choose activities that you like to do. If you pick a sport or exercise program that you think is boring in the beginning, you might have a hard time staying with it."
Girl Power! provides a bonanza of sound information to help girls become champions in whatever they choose. They also offer tools for grown-ups who want to help girls make the difficult transition from adolescence as successfully and safely as possible. It's all free, through the Girl Power! Web site -- or call toll-free (800) 729-6686. Ask for Girl Power! and tell them "Dear Abby" sent you.
DEAR ABBY: Before my mother died last year, she revealed to me that "Todd," an old schoolmate of mine, told her that he had to leave the state on the day I married someone else because Texas wasn't big enough to hold his grief.
Todd had never even asked me out on a date. He hung around our house, but I thought he was just a friend of my twin brother.
Abby, please tell all those shy boys out there that if they want something, they should speak up. (I definitely would have married Todd had he only let me know how he felt.) We both would have been much happier. -- REGRETFUL IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR REGRETFUL: Maybe so -- maybe not. While there are no guarantees, it does seem sad that a chance at true love was stillborn because one of the parties had low self-esteem. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)