What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
New Husband Objects to Old Boyfriend's Christmas Visit
DEAR ABBY: Twelve years ago, our 16-year-old daughter, "Heather," began dating "Johnny," a nice boy from a troubled home. During the three years they went together, Johnny became almost like a foster son to us. We provided emotional support he didn't get at home, and he even lived with us for a year before going to college.
Even though Heather's relationship with him ended nine years ago, we have stayed close to Johnny. He has spent every Christmas at our home.
Heather married last summer and wants to bring her new husband home for Christmas this year. (Since we live on opposite coasts, visits are infrequent.)
Our daughter has no objection to her former boyfriend's presence, but her husband refuses to come if Johnny is here -- which he has been every Christmas for the past 12 years. Heather defends her husband and has requested we disinvite Johnny.
I feel torn about what to do, Abby. On the one hand, I don't want to distance my daughter and her husband, whom we are still getting to know. On the other hand, I feel a responsibility for Johnny with whom we've grown so close. Over the years he has come to count on our love and support and considers us his "family." What in the world should I do? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR CAUGHT: It is regrettable that your daughter's husband feels threatened by this man who is such a large part of all your lives. Chalk it up to immaturity, insecurity and a controlling nature.
However, to keep peace in the family, invite Johnny to spend any holidays with you that your daughter and son-in-law cannot.
P.S. Heather should be the one to break the news to Johnny. After all, she's an adult now. It should be done soon, so he can make other plans.
DEAR ABBY: Our son came to us and said that his friend -- I'll call her Cheryl -- wanted to stay with us until she got on her feet. We agreed.
Cheryl had a job making $10 an hour, but she quit. She says she's looking for another job, but from what we see, all Cheryl does is party with her friends and go to church. Then she sleeps all day.
Our son is sleeping on the couch. Cheryl is living in his bedroom. When she comes in late she disturbs his sleep, and he has to be at work at 3:30 a.m.
Cheryl refuses to follow our house rules. Once in a while, she will sweep or do the dishes, but that's all she contributes. Her mother lives in town, but Cheryl says she can't stay with her parents. She gave our son one reason, and me a different one.
It has been two months, Abby. We would like her to move out, but she has no job. What should we do? -- HAD IT IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR HAD IT: Cheryl is not your responsibility. Give her a deadline to make other living arrangements and be out of your home -- and insist upon it! You'll be doing her -- and yourselves -- a favor. As long as you tolerate her freeloading, it will continue.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Lucky Teens Driving Drunk Live to Tell Sobering Tale
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl, and I'd like to offer my fellow teen-agers some advice: DO NOT RIDE WITH DRUNK DRIVERS! Getting into a car with a drunk driver and driving drunk are two of the stupidest mistakes anyone can make.
I know a lot of teen-agers will read this and blow off what I'm saying. I had that same attitude last week -- but I learned the hard way.
Two nights ago, I was out with my boyfriend, who had been drinking. We were speeding along a country road and came to a sharp turn with a 10-foot drop. We weren't able to slow down fast enough. The car went airborne.
I closed my eyes. When I opened them, the hood was crushed and the windshield was smashed -- but we walked away without a scratch. It was a miracle. Most people are not so fortunate.
If we had been injured or killed, nobody would have found us for days at the bottom of the ditch. So, I urge all of you not to be stupid. Don't drink and drive -- or ride with a drunk driver. -- STILL SHAKING IN TUSCALOOSA, ALA.
DEAR STILL SHAKING: I hope other teens will take to heart the hard lesson you learned. Your guardian angels must have been sitting in the car with you.
Regrettably, Americans of every age make the deadly decision to consume alcohol and get behind the wheel of a car, and the effects can be tragic injuries and death.
According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, last year -- for the first time in five years -- the number of impaired-driving deaths rose. This information must not be ignored because impaired-driving crashes are not "accidents" -- they are predictable and preventable events.
This holiday season, I urge everyone to think carefully about the choices they make regarding alcohol consumption. Consider the lives and health of families and neighbors. If you plan to drink, don't drive. Agree in advance upon a designated driver, call a taxi or use mass transit. Make this a safe and happy holiday season by making wise choices. And remember, friends don't let friends drive drunk.
DEAR ABBY: I have been having problems with my second wife. My son recently moved here from the East Coast to start a new life. She refused to let him stay with us for even one night. I had to set him up in a room-and-board situation nearby and help him find a job.
Every time he wanted to visit and spend the night, my wife refused. My son may be a little immature for his 21 years, but he's a good kid.
Now my father wants to come for a visit. Again my wife refuses. It's because of a remark my stepmother made three years ago while they were here. My wife still holds a grudge after all this time. I wish she'd get over it.
My family is not perfect, Abby, but they are important to me. I wish I could get my wife to bend a little. Do you have any advice? -- SAD AND CONFUSED IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR SAD AND CONFUSED: Successful marriages require compromise. As long as your wife rules the roost, nothing will change.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Last year, my brother "Devon" died after a long illness. He is survived by his wife, "Clarisse," and my two nephews. Devon and I were as close as a brother and sister could be. My husband was close to him, too.
Seven months after Devon's passing, Clarisse began dating "Tim." No one was overjoyed by this, but we knew that Clarisse had loved my brother and mourned deeply. We understood it was time for her to move on. We put our feelings aside.
The problem is, my daughter's birthday party is coming up soon. We are hosting a family party and inviting everyone, including Clarisse, Tim and the boys. My parents have expressed disappointment that Clarisse's boyfriend is being included and have informed us that they will not attend if Tim is there.
What should I do? Should I invite everyone, as my husband suggests, and let the chips fall where they may? Or should I respect the wishes of my parents and ask Clarisse not to bring Tim? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: If your parents object to Tim's presence only because they have difficulty accepting that Clarisse has moved on, then I see no reason to exclude him. While they have my deepest sympathy for the loss of their son, they have no right to dictate who should or should not be on your guest list or part of Clarisse's life.
DEAR ABBY: I am a high school senior. My boyfriend, "Corey," and I have been dating since ninth grade. I love him more than anything on Earth. Corey is like another son to my parents, and I feel close to his mother and eight brothers. I can't see myself with any other person.
Our school has a policy that allows seniors to use the loudspeaker system to dedicate birthday greetings to other students. My birthday was last week, and Corey got on the microphone. Instead of saying, "Happy birthday, sweetheart," he said: "To my girlfriend, my best friend, my skateboard buddy. I love you. You're 18, so no more waiting. What I really want to say, honey, is -- will you marry me?" I told him I needed a week to think about it.
The week is up. After asking opinions of my family and friends -- who all have given me a "thumbs up" -- I am still undecided. I know that I love Corey and we are a perfect couple, but I need just one more push in either direction so I can give him a definite answer. Help! -- HOPEFUL AND HELPLESS IN MISSISSIPPI
P.S. Corey said that if I say no, we'll still go out and everything will go back to normal.
DEAR HOPEFUL: A woman who is contemplating a decision as serious as marriage should not need a "push" in either direction. Tell Corey that you will consider his offer of marriage once you both have college behind you. Regardless of how much you and Corey may love each other, you shouldn't marry until you're both self-supporting.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "VIOLENT AND ASHAMED IN RICHMOND, IND.": You have already taken the first step by recognizing that your anger is out of control and asking for help. Please contact your county department of mental health. Tell them it is urgent that you see a counselor immediately and recount the incidents you described to me. You have begun the journey, and I wish you much success with treatment. It will change the lives of every member of your family for the better.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)