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Husband's Gender Confusion Leaves Wife in State of Flux
DEAR ABBY: I am nearly 60 years old and have been married to "Peter" for more than 30 years. I am attractive and well-educated. I abandoned my career to raise our children, who are now grown. I also care for a young grandchild. Things have not always been great, but I figured you just work it out.
Peter recently confided to me that all his life he has secretly felt he should be a woman. He has become so troubled by this that he now sees a therapist who specializes in gender issues. He has also attended some support group meetings. I was devastated when he told me. I have also been seeing a therapist because I couldn't confide this to anyone. Peter is still looking for answers and does not know where this "feeling" will take him.
We are trying to be nice to each other, but that's about all there is left to our relationship. I have asked myself the proverbial question, "Would I be better off with or without him?" I cannot answer that. I am trying to function as normally as possible. But I feel like a zombie living from day to day, and I must decide soon how to deal with this.
Have you any ideas or information for me to consider? -- MISERABLE IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIF.
DEAR MISERABLE: Your feelings are understandable. While your husband is exploring his feminine side, you have been abandoned. Until he decides where this path will lead him, your wisest course of action would be to make no hasty decision.
Continue your own counseling. Access the Internet and find a support group for women married to men who are transgendered. Visit the library. Books are available on the subject. The only thing you should NOT do is isolate yourself in the belief you are the only woman with this problem, because nothing could be further from the truth.
DEAR ABBY: Am I old-fashioned to expect a phone call in response to RSVPs on invitations I have sent? Whether it's a dinner party or backyard barbecue, I always accept or decline promptly.
In these modern times, does RSVP now mean: Call if you feel like it? Abby, would it be rude of me to call those who haven't replied and ask if they are coming? -- TIRED OF GUESSING
DEAR TIRED: It's unfortunate that today many people interpret RSVP as meaning, "Call if you're going to come," rather than its correct meaning, which is, "Please respond to this invitation with an acceptance or a refusal."
By all means call those who haven't replied to your invitation. It's the only way you will know how many guests to provide for.
DEAR ABBY: Here's another one you can add to your "You know you're getting older when ..." file:
My 79-year-old mother has lived with my husband and me for 27 years. Yesterday a copy of AARP's Modern Maturity magazine arrived. I was preparing to put it in my mother's mail slot in the kitchen when I realized -- it was addressed to ME! Bummer! -- TINA IN HARRISONBURG, VA.
DEAR TINA: Console yourself that it doesn't mean we're over the hill. We're just headed in that general direction.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
DEAR ABBY: I am 87 years old and live in a retirement apartment. Sixteen years ago, you printed a funny letter in your column about a mother's wild goose tale.
Over the years I have entertained a lot of people with that story. Please consider printing it again. Our country could use a good laugh. -- HELEN RODGER, KOKOMO, IND.
DEAR HELEN: You're right. It IS a funny story and worth repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Whenever you mention the poem, "I Had a Mother Who Read to Me," I have to laugh because my mother NEVER read to me. Instead, she'd tell me bedtime stories that were more or less true.
The one I liked best was the one about how she and her cousin Alice tried to make whiskey.
They filled a large crock with water, wheat, oats, grain, raisins, raw potato peelings, and any other garbage they could find. After a couple of weeks, the mixture in the crock smelled so bad my grandmother insisted they get rid of it. Mom and Alice carried the crock down by the river and dumped it on the bank. Naturally, Grandma's geese followed them and gobbled it all up.
A while later, Grandma looked out the window and saw her geese lying about in the yard. She thought they were dead, so she instructed the girls to pluck all the down from the geese and told them as soon as their grandfather got home from the lumber mill, he'd have to bury those dead geese. (The geese were not dead; they were drunk!)
The next morning, the geese were running around the yard stark naked, so Grandma crocheted little jackets for them to wear. That was the last time my mother and her cousin Alice tried to make whiskey. -- JOE EASTMAN, COLORADO SPRINGS
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday, I was afraid of needles, and I was terribly busy, so I didn't donate blood. Today my country has been attacked by terrorists, and my neighbors have been murdered and wounded, so I stood in line for three hours, rolled up my sleeve and donated -- because I'm an American, and that's what we do.
Yesterday, I had too many financial problems of my own to think about giving money to charity. Today, my country has been attacked by terrorists. My neighbors are in need, so I opened my wallet and gave -- because I'm an American, and that's what we do.
Yesterday, I viewed my immigrant neighbors with suspicion, because they looked, dressed and believed differently than I do. Today, I see the same grief in their eyes that I see in my own when I look in the mirror. The United States is their home, too. Today, I put aside my distrust and extended my hand in friendship and solidarity -- because I'm an American, and that's what we do.
We'll pick ourselves up out of the wreckage, and we will rebuild -- because we're Americans, and that's what we do. -- HOPEFUL AND COMMITTED IN CHARLOTTE, N.C.
DEAR HOPEFUL AND COMMITTED: You said it, my friend. Bless you.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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PARENTS FINALLY PAY ATTENTION AFTER TEEN'S SUICIDE ATTEMPT
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "A Teen Needing to Talk in Ohio," asking parents to listen to their children, motivates me to share my experience.
When I was in high school, I suffered severe depression and insomnia. I knew I needed help, so every once in a while I'd ask my parents if I could get counseling. When I would tell them how suicidal I was feeling, they'd say, "Oh, it's just a teen-age problem." Or, "Give it some time. You'll get over it." Those were the only responses I got.
The strange behavior that resulted from my depression finally made my parents suspect that I was using drugs. They searched my room and read my diaries, which only furthered my paranoia and depression, because I was clean. In my warped state of mind, I was convinced that suicide was the only way out. I am sad to admit it, but that's what finally caught my parents' attention.
We could have saved thousands of dollars in hospital bills, unbelievable amounts of pain and years off my recovery if they had only listened to me in the first place!
My parents are not horrible people. They love me dearly. They explain now that they didn't know what to do with a depressed child and were in denial from the beginning about my problems.
I hope parents who see themselves in this letter will be motivated to help their children. And for kids in my situation: If your parents won't listen, talk to your teachers, your family doctor, or the parents of one of your friends. Just make sure you get help. You are worth it. -- BETTER, NOT BITTER
DEAR BETTER: If there is one complaint that tops the list of those I receive from teen-agers, it's that their parents don't take the time to listen, or take their problems seriously.
Your letter carries an important message. We are living in particularly stressful times, and parents should be especially concerned about the effect that recent events are having on their children. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: A teen-ager wrote to plead with parents to listen to their children.
Two or three years ago, there was a sermon at my church on the subject of parents listening. During this sermon, our priest read a poem that touched me. After the service I asked if I could get a copy. I'm pleased to share it with you and your readers. The author is unknown:
"Take a moment to listen today
"To what your children are trying to say.
"Listen today, whatever you do,
"Or they won't be there to listen to you.
"Listen to their problems, listen to their needs;
"Praise their smallest triumphs, praise their smallest deeds.
"Tolerate their chatter, amplify their laughter,
"Find out what's the matter, find out what they're after --
"But tell them that you love them, every single night,
"And though you scold them, be sure you hold them tight;
"Tell them, 'Everything's all right --
"'Tomorrow's looking bright!'
"Take a moment to listen today
"To what your children are trying to say.
"Listen today, whatever you do,
"And they will come back to listen to you."
Thanks, Abby. I read your column every day. -- A.J. IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR A.J.: Thank YOU.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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