Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Vera," is a difficult person. She declares her opinion on anything and everything, and doesn't care whether it's hurtful, if it's asked for, or even if it's her place to speak up at all.
She also plays favorites with her children and grandchildren. Vera has always felt it is her right to discipline her grandkids, even if their parents are present.
My husband says with a chuckle that she's too old to change, that she's got a good heart and means well. I chalk it up to her being meddling and overbearing.
Vera has treated me with disrespect during most of our marriage, many times in front of our children. In spite of this, I have never said a bad word about her in front of the children and have tried to cover for her when it was obvious she was playing favorites.
All this has not been easy, because my mother-in-law has not had a lot of time for our family. As a result, she doesn't really know our children individually. My husband is blind to how his mother's behavior has affected our kids.
Our oldest son is now a freshman at a university about half an hour from Vera's home. She remarked to me several times before he left that she is looking forward to seeing him on weekends, and that she has many chores for him to do.
When we were packing our son off to school, I mentioned this to him. He looked me straight in the eye and said: "No, Mom. Grandma treats you like dirt. She hasn't had time for me in the last 18 years. Now I don't have time for HER."
My son asked that I not give Vera his phone number. We agreed that, to be fair, I would not give anyone in the family his number, and that he would take a list of family addresses and phone numbers so he could contact relatives himself.
Abby, what do I say to my mother-in-law? I understand where our son is coming from, but I feel he should show some respect to his grandmother. He left last weekend, and Vera will be calling soon to get his number. There are going to be repercussions if I withhold it from her. Please help. -- DESPERATE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
DEAR DESPERATE: Your mother-in-law is reaping the harvest of what she has sown. Tell her that college is a big adjustment for your son -- it's the truth -- and that he has her number with him. In the meantime, she'll have to find someone else to do her chores.
Don't make your son feel guilty for not loving someone who hasn't loved him. His silence will deliver his message loud and clear.
DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old. My parents have been married 31 years. My parents and I have a great relationship. Dad and I work in the same office.
I looked in my father's desk for something, and much to my surprise, I discovered two boxes of condoms. I wasn't snooping. In our office, we are always in and out of one another's desks, getting business cards or other office needs.
Abby, I can't see why my father would need condoms, especially at work. The first thing that crossed my mind is that my father may be cheating. Should I confront him? -- PERPLEXED DAUGHTER IN ALBERTA
DEAR PERPLEXED DAUGHTER: If you're smart, you'll M.Y.O.B. and assume someone gave the condoms to your father as a joke. Say nothing to him about them. Possession doesn't necessarily mean he is guilty of anything.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
GRANDFATHER'S GOOD HEALTH IS A BLESSING, NOT A CURSE
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Worried Grandson, Glendale, Calif." was on target, but far too mild. Such egregious greed deserves considerably sterner chastisement than "shame on you."
That reprobate is so self-centered he cannot comprehend what a blessing it is for his grandfather to be enjoying his life instead of dwindling away in an elder-care facility -- a situation that would blast through Grandpa's resources faster than a dozen gold diggers. I have no doubt that even as he grouses about Grandpa's expenditures, this slimeball is already planning how to spend "his" inheritance.
Here's hoping that Grandpa slips up in his practice of birth control (at 96, wow!) and sires an heir more worthy than the despicable "Worried Grandson." -- FURIOUS IN COOKEVILLE, TENN.
DEAR FURIOUS: Your letter is a hoot. However, more important to a child's well-being than money are two loving parents to guide him or her into adulthood. And virile and vigorous as he may be, in order to provide that, Grandpa would have to have a lifespan to rival Biblical patriarchs.
You are not the only reader who was moved to comment on that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Worried Grandson," who complained that his 96-year-old grandfather was wasting his inheritance on women half his age. I agree with you, Abby, "Worried" should be ashamed of himself.
I have an 84-year-old grandmother. I'd give anything to see her able to live such a life. She's a wonderful lady. She's miserable because she cannot take care of herself, and she hates being dependent. She's in a wheelchair and has almost no balance. She falls a lot and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it, short of putting her in a nursing home where she would be bedridden. She can no longer read. One of the most wonderful things she passed down to me is her great love of literature. My grandmother has little joy left in life.
"Worried" should be grateful that his grandfather can still care for himself and is enjoying life. He probably worked hard all his life to earn the money that he's spending. He has every right to do what he wants with his money. Instead of sitting around waiting for his grandfather to die, the grandson should be working to accumulate his own retirement money.
I am 16 years old, and I know that the greatest gift you can get from a grandparent is not money; it is love and knowledge. "Worried" could learn a lot from his grandfather, things that no book can teach. He could tell stories more precious than any amount of money. "Worried" should be less worried that Grandpa is hanging around with gold diggers than the fact that HE is one of them. -- GRATEFUL GRANDDAUGHTER, RICHARDSON, TEXAS
DEAR GRATEFUL GRANDDAUGHTER: You said it well. You are an intelligent and well-grounded young woman. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You missed the opportunity to educate "Worried Grandson" and others like him. No parent or grandparent is obligated to leave anything to his heirs; inheritances are gifts.
If "Worried" wants a REAL inheritance, he should spend time listening to his grandfather's stories about his life. That is where the true treasure lies. -- LUCKY GRANDDAUGHTER, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR LUCKY GRANDDAUGHTER: If your grandparents could see your letter, I'm sure they would consider themselves the lucky ones.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Last year, our family added a new tradition to our Thanksgiving celebration. As we were being seated at the table, we wondered about a packet of corn kernels at each plate. Our 8-year-old granddaughter explained by reciting "The Legend of the Five Kernels":
"It was very cold for the Pilgrims that first winter. Food was in short supply. Some days, they had only five kernels of corn. When spring came, the Pilgrims planted the remaining corn. The sun and rain helped the seeds to grow and much food was harvested in the fall. Every Thanksgiving thereafter, the Pilgrims placed five kernels of corn beside each plate to remind them of their blessings:
"The first kernel reminded them of the autumn beauty.
"The second reminded them of their love for each other.
"The third reminded them of their family's love.
"The fourth reminded them of their friends ... especially their Indian brothers.
"The fifth kernel reminded them of their freedom."
Abby, I am blessed to have learned something I never knew before. -- Z. JACOBS, FLORIDA
DEAR Z.: What a charming tradition. It honors the original inhabitants of our great country, as well as the immigrants who followed.
DEAR ABBY: When I was a little girl, I would always ask my mom to make the same cake for my birthday. It was luscious, a rich chocolate with white frosting and bitter chocolate drizzled over it. I thought it was an old family recipe Mom had gotten from her mother. She recently told me she got it from an old column of yours.
I'm 40 years old now, and it has to have been 25 years since I have tasted that cake. I would love to have it for my 41st birthday. Mom told me to ask you for it because she would be thrilled to have that recipe again, too. She also wants the recipe for your fabulous pecan pie. Does this ring any bells with you? -- MICKEY IN MADISON, WIS.
DEAR MICKEY: It certainly does. The chocolate cake has been a longtime favorite in my family -- and many of my readers'. (It was once featured on the cover of a women's magazine.)
The recipe is too long to be included here, but because I received so many requests for it over the years, I included it in the first of my two cookbooklets. To order my cookbooklet set, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
However, the pecan pie recipe is short enough for me to print. I'm sure it will be a hit at your Thanksgiving feast.
ABBY'S FAMOUS PECAN PIE
1 (9-inch) unbaked pie crust
1 cup light corn syrup
1 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
3 eggs, slightly beaten
1/3 cup butter, melted
1/3 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 heaping cup pecan halves
Heat oven to 350 degrees.
Prepare pie crust.
In large bowl, combine corn syrup, sugar, eggs, butter, salt and vanilla; mix well. Pour filling into prepared pie crust; sprinkle with pecan halves.
Bake at 350 degrees for 45 to 50 minutes or until center is set. (Toothpick inserted will come out clean when pie is done.) Cool. If crust or pie appears to be getting too brown, cover with foil for remaining baking time.
You can top it with a bit of whipped cream or ice cream, but even plain, nothing tops this!
Serves 8 to 10.
TIP: The original recipe stated that the pie should be baked 45 to 50 minutes in a preheated 350-degree GAS oven. If an electric oven is used, it may be necessary to add 15 to 20 minutes to the baking time. (Begin testing the pie with a toothpick after 45 minutes.)
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.