Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
BULLIES' TAUNTS FALL SILENT AFTER TEEN GAINS SELF-ESTEEM
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Bullied in Delaware," who was critical of an article she had read about how to prevent bullying, I had to write.
I am a 17-year-old girl who was teased and tormented from first grade on. Because of it, I became depressed and began eating my problems away, which led to the nickname "Big Red" and other undignified labels. When I reached the summer of my sophomore year, I was at an all-time low. A good friend offered me some advice that changed my life:
"If you hear something long enough, you begin to believe it. You've been told all about your outward 'flaws' for so many years, your perception of yourself has become blurred. Every day you look in the mirror and see what the bullies have told you. Stop seeing illusions. See yourself for who you truly are."
From that day on, each time I looked in the mirror, I told myself OUT LOUD that I was beautiful and a special human being. Once I began to feel respect for myself, others did too.
Abby, please print this to help other girls and boys avoid the hell of living with no self-esteem because of the destructive words of others. This letter comes from someone who has been caught in the worst of it, and who has come out happier. -- PROUD TO BE ME IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PROUD TO BE ME: Your friend gave you terrific advice. However, you deserve the credit for carrying it a step further with your daily affirmations. I'm told that many successful people -- athletes in particular -- use visualization techniques to improve their performance. Not only did you do that, but you added audio. I wish you continued success.
DEAR ABBY: I know you are an animal lover. I hope you will consider this wonderful item I received from a friend worthy of space in your column. -- GERARD IN BLOOMFIELD, N.J.
DEAR GERARD: It certainly is, as I'm sure my pet-loving readers will agree. With apologies to Rudyard Kipling, please read on:
"If you can start the day without caffeine,
"If you can get along without pep pills,
"If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
"If you can resist complaining to and boring people with your troubles,
"If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
"If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
"If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong,
"If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
"If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him or her,
"If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor one,
"If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
"If you can conquer tension without medical help,
"If you can relax without liquor,
"If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
"If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, sex, color, religion, national origin, gender preference or politics,
"THEN you have ALMOST reached the same level of development as your dog or cat."
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
PETITE BLONDE WORRIES THAT SHE'S SELLING HERSELF SHORT
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating the same guy for a little over a year. We get along well, laugh a lot, have the same outlook, similar goals. He says I'm his best friend.
My problem? I'm not his "type." I'm a petite blonde. He prefers chunkier women with dark hair. He says if there was one thing he could change about me, it would be for me to gain about 20 pounds. (I'm 5 feet tall and weigh 105.)
He has become "confused" a few times during the relationship, and the last time he said he needed to decide which was more important, someone he's connected with or someone who is his type. The sex is good but not earth-shattering, because my physical attributes don't do it for him. He doesn't want to rip off my clothes each time he sees me, and I thrive on that kind of lust.
He keeps coming back, and I feel like a jerk for allowing him to stay each time. I love him, but I'm unclear whether I'm selling myself short and if I deserve someone who loves me the way I am. I'm afraid if he stays with me, eventually he will want his type and leave. He's 37; I'm 33. What should I do? -- BETWIXT AND BETWEEN IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR B AND B: Loving him isn't enough. Not once in your letter did you indicate that he says HE loves YOU. You say he's critical of your appearance and strays when the spirit moves him. You are indeed selling yourself short. For a lifetime partner, you deserve better.
DEAR ABBY: Your "pennies from heaven" stories have been delightful. I have one that does not involve money, but the result was just as heartwarming.
The year was 1945. I was a member of General Patton's army, fighting our way across Europe. Infantry combat is pure hell, so when there was a rare lull in the fighting, an orchestra from our division band was brought in to cheer us up. In a wooded glade somewhere in France, they played all the favorites of the day, and we were reminded again of what we were fighting for.
A soldier with a clear, sweet voice began singing "Pennies From Heaven." However, it wasn't the familiar version. These satirical lyrics told the story of a GI coming home to his wife after serving overseas, and being met by his beloved holding a brand-new baby girl named "Penny."
The refrain of that song I'll never forget. "Every time he asked, she'd say, 'Penny's from heaven.'" There were many verses, and the soldier sang each one with a straight face. At another time under different circumstances, we probably would have found the song mildly amusing. That day it was the funniest song my buddies and I had ever heard. No money changed hands that day, but the laughter was a gift from God at a time when we had very little to laugh about. -- WALLACE HARMON, DALLAS
DEAR WALLACE: No amount of money could equal the enjoyment you fighting men got from the slightly naughty version of "Pennies From Heaven."
Laughter is a great unifier. People who laugh together become one, if only for a little while.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Still Kicking Myself in Frazier Park, Calif.," who walked away from a possible romance, prompts my letter. Months after a love affair experience that began in church with the opening hymn and ended 45 minutes later, I, too, am still "kicking myself."
Last spring, I entered the cathedral where I regularly attend 10:30 Mass. Because I was late, the middle section where I usually sit was full. I quickly slid into an empty pew toward the front. As I did, I noticed an attractive dark-haired man seated behind me.
The organist played the first note. I opened my mouth to sing and then stopped to listen to the rich tenor directly behind me. Encouraged by the strength and beauty of his voice, I joined in, assuming his phrasing would cover my mistakes. Instead of being overshadowed, his voice complemented mine. We began to sing unscored harmony as though we had practiced together for years. Our voices flowed in concert with the organist. Time stopped for me while we sang together throughout the entire Mass. With each successive hymn and response, we were a team singing duets.
I turned to shake his hand during the traditional kiss of peace. He warmly held mine in both of his, and his shining hazel eyes looked directly into mine. Smiling back, I wanted to speak, but I was dumbfounded. What I felt was so unexpected and powerful that I suddenly became shy. What could I say? God had arranged a perfect setting, and I could only lower my eyes.
Aware of him behind me in the communion line, I resolved to say something -- anything -- to him before leaving church. At least I could comment on his remarkable voice. However, after Mass he disappeared and has never returned. Perhaps he was in town on business, which makes another meeting unlikely. Or he may have been merely grateful for the opportunity to sing. Could there have been more to the day? My heart says yes -- but there is no way to know. -- WITH A SONG IN MY HEART IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR SONG IN MY HEART: Since there is no way to know whether or not there could have been more to the day, comfort yourself in the knowledge that for a few moments, you made beautiful music as one, and what you created together was your offering to God.
DEAR ABBY: During the past year, I have become good friends with a lady I'll call Ivy. I am a 36-year-old single woman; Ivy is 53 and divorced. We enjoy each other's company and she's been a wonderful friend.
Ivy is Jewish; I am Catholic. The difference in our faiths doesn't matter, because I believe that most religions are on the right path. However, I am unsure about how to handle our religious differences during the Christmas holidays.
Gift-giving is supposed to inspire feelings of warmth and happiness, and she has often said that when it comes to Christmas, she has lived the holiday vicariously through others. Naturally, I want to get her a gift, but is it the right thing to do? -- GENTLE GENTILE
DEAR G.G.: By all means present your friend with a gift -- for Hanukkah. Then invite her to share part of your Christmas celebration with you. Developing a close friendship with someone of a different faith can be enlightening for both of you.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)