Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
PARENTS FINALLY PAY ATTENTION AFTER TEEN'S SUICIDE ATTEMPT
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "A Teen Needing to Talk in Ohio," asking parents to listen to their children, motivates me to share my experience.
When I was in high school, I suffered severe depression and insomnia. I knew I needed help, so every once in a while I'd ask my parents if I could get counseling. When I would tell them how suicidal I was feeling, they'd say, "Oh, it's just a teen-age problem." Or, "Give it some time. You'll get over it." Those were the only responses I got.
The strange behavior that resulted from my depression finally made my parents suspect that I was using drugs. They searched my room and read my diaries, which only furthered my paranoia and depression, because I was clean. In my warped state of mind, I was convinced that suicide was the only way out. I am sad to admit it, but that's what finally caught my parents' attention.
We could have saved thousands of dollars in hospital bills, unbelievable amounts of pain and years off my recovery if they had only listened to me in the first place!
My parents are not horrible people. They love me dearly. They explain now that they didn't know what to do with a depressed child and were in denial from the beginning about my problems.
I hope parents who see themselves in this letter will be motivated to help their children. And for kids in my situation: If your parents won't listen, talk to your teachers, your family doctor, or the parents of one of your friends. Just make sure you get help. You are worth it. -- BETTER, NOT BITTER
DEAR BETTER: If there is one complaint that tops the list of those I receive from teen-agers, it's that their parents don't take the time to listen, or take their problems seriously.
Your letter carries an important message. We are living in particularly stressful times, and parents should be especially concerned about the effect that recent events are having on their children. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: A teen-ager wrote to plead with parents to listen to their children.
Two or three years ago, there was a sermon at my church on the subject of parents listening. During this sermon, our priest read a poem that touched me. After the service I asked if I could get a copy. I'm pleased to share it with you and your readers. The author is unknown:
"Take a moment to listen today
"To what your children are trying to say.
"Listen today, whatever you do,
"Or they won't be there to listen to you.
"Listen to their problems, listen to their needs;
"Praise their smallest triumphs, praise their smallest deeds.
"Tolerate their chatter, amplify their laughter,
"Find out what's the matter, find out what they're after --
"But tell them that you love them, every single night,
"And though you scold them, be sure you hold them tight;
"Tell them, 'Everything's all right --
"'Tomorrow's looking bright!'
"Take a moment to listen today
"To what your children are trying to say.
"Listen today, whatever you do,
"And they will come back to listen to you."
Thanks, Abby. I read your column every day. -- A.J. IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR A.J.: Thank YOU.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DAD THINKS HE'S FOUND LOVE IN ARMS OF KIDS' BABY SITTER
DEAR ABBY: My cousin "Tina" and I are in our early 20s. We have baby-sat the same three children since we were in our mid-teens, and have grown to love them as our own. The parents, "Danny" and "Lynn," have become our friends. The problem is, Danny says he is in love with Tina. Danny and Lynn have been married for 10 years, and I always assumed they were happy.
Danny told Tina he feels trapped and alone in his marriage and has convinced her that he is her soulmate. Danny says he wants to leave Lynn and move in with Tina.
The children love their father -- and they love Tina, too. They've known her most of their lives. Somehow I have ended up in the middle of this. My biggest concern is Lynn and the kids. I know Lynn is 100 percent head-over-heels in love with her husband. She confided to me recently that she knows he doesn't love her the way she loves him. Abby, she broke down in tears.
What happens if Danny leaves Lynn and moves in with my cousin? I know Lynn will ask if I knew, and I don't want to lie to her. But how can I tell her the truth? It will tear her heart out knowing I kept the secret. -- ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR ALWAYS: If Lynn asks, tell her the truth -- that you didn't know how to tell her because you were afraid it would break her heart, and you were hoping the romance would burn itself out.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for seven years. Our only conflict has been his ex-wife. Their 9-year-old daughter lives with us, and her mother constantly lets me know in no uncertain terms that this child's welfare is none of my business.
On several ocasions the ex has had the nerve to tell me I'm just "playing house," and that when she's ready to come back to my husband, she will.
My husband keeps telling me not to let her get to me, but it's hard. We have two other children, and his ex-wife's behavior is beginning to influence their daughter in the way she acts toward me and the kids. What in the world should I do about this? -- UPSET SECOND WIFE IN FLORIDA
DEAR UPSET: It's not a matter of what YOU should do. This should be handled by your husband. If his daughter behaves disrespectfully to you, your husband should make it clear to her that just as the two of you treat her with respect and consideration, he expects HER to do the same with you. Period.
P.S. I know it's hard, but don't let his bitter, unhappy ex get to you. Keep your conversations brief, and when she gets nasty, tune her out or get off the phone.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are newlyweds living in an apartment complex. We have dear friends living nearby who are older and widowed. Our problem is that these friends don't give us any time to be alone. They interrupt us at the most inopportune moments.
Abby, how can we let these lovely people know that we need our privacy without hurting their feelings? -- STILL ON OUR HONEYMOON IN TENNESSEE
DEAR HONEYMOONERS: Anyone with a sense of romance will understand that sometimes couples want to be left alone. Just because someone calls, drops by or invites you out does not mean you have to be available.
Just say no -- but say it with a smile.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mothers' Unconditional Love Helps Gay Daughters Come Out
DEAR ABBY: This is for "A Mother Who Cares a Lot," who asked, "What do you say when your daughter tells you she has turned into a lesbian?" I have some advice for her.
You hug your daughter and say: "I'm so glad you told me. Your dad and I want you to know we love you. We realize that coming out is difficult, and we'll do whatever we can to help."
Your daughter has not "turned into" anything. She is what she is and has been since she was born.
Your protestations that you are "respectable people" who "raised her properly" suggest underlying ignorance and homophobia, which is probably what led to her trying to meet your expectations by marrying. She has evidently realized she could no longer maintain this pretense.
You say you "try to be loving and kind." Well, try harder. Did you love your child when she was an infant? A toddler? A young girl? Well, she's still your child. And she needs that love now more than ever, to help her face others whose reactions will be similar to your own. She "is" what you created. She has grown up, and now it's time for you to do the same. -- PARENTS OF STRAIGHT AND GAY CHILDREN, GLENVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR PARENTS: That's excellent advice, and bless you for offering it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I understand the emotion involved in the "coming out" process because I, too, am the mother of a lesbian. The daughter of "Mother Who Cares" didn't "turn into" a lesbian but, of course, was always gay, and unwilling or unable to acknowledge it.
This is a wonderful opportunity for those loving parents to stand by their daughter and to accept and respect her for having the courage to live the life she was born to. What kind of parents are we if we protect and nurture our children, encourage them to be honest with themselves and follow their dreams, only to reject them when they do?
"Mother" didn't mention whether she is their only child. If so, this is their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to prove their unconditional love. "Mother" should learn about homosexuality, talk with her daughter about her feelings, express her own feelings, and use this experience to bond the family closer together. -- WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING, TUMWATER, WASH.
DEAR WOULDN'T: More terrific advice. Thank you for telling it like it is. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the mention of PFLAG in your recent column. PFLAG does a great job providing helpful information for parents struggling with the coming-out of a son or daughter.
My daughter was married and realized it was not to be. She preferred her own gender. She has a doctorate in education, and is very lovable and outgoing.
Respectability has nothing to do with it. I believe she was born this way and didn't have a choice.
If that mother really cares, she would not dwell on herself and grandchildren. Kids do not "owe" their parents grandchildren any more than they owe them a life lived to meet their preconceived specifications or dreams. -- A MOTHER WHO LOVES HER DAUGHTER, TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR MOTHER: That's laying it on the line. If there is one thing I hope this column has shown "Mother Who Cares a Lot," it's that she's not nearly as isolated as she thinks she is. If she's able to open her mind and her heart, she'll discover she has lots of company -- all waiting to support her.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)