Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Daughter Can't Pretend She's Part of One Big Happy Family
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl and I need some advice. My dad recently had an affair with a woman he met when he went back to school. She is also married. He asked her to marry him, but she said no, so he decided to come back home. He has left us twice before, so my home isn't very stable.
My parents got married at a very young age and have been together for 26 years. Mom tells me she doesn't want to get divorced, because she is still in love with him and thinks that "a two-parent home is better than a one-parent home." She may be right, but even my counselor agrees that one stable parent is better than two unstable parents.
Now that Dad is living back home, he expects me to act like nothing happened -- that we are "one happy family." I can't do it, and I'm still very hurt. What should I do? -- NEEDS ADVICE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NEEDS ADVICE: Since no one in your family has amnesia, your father's expectations are unrealistic. Considering the fact that he has left the family multiple times, your feelings of hurt and distrust are valid. Family counseling could be helpful to all of you, but if your parents are unwilling, the wisest thing you can do is to continue talking with your counselor until you work through more of your feelings.
DEAR ABBY: Our oldest daughter "Bonnie" has just entered into her second relationship since her recent divorce. We are concerned that she continually uproots our grandchildren to move to a different place. We feel it's time a woman in her 30s "settled down" and gave her children a stable home environment. The father of the children was killed in an unfortunate accident.
Each time she claims to be "in love" and expects us to welcome her new man when we have barely had time to adjust to the last one. Our youngest daughter, "June," feels as we do. Consequently, the two girls no longer speak.
Our dilemma: Since we all live far away from each other, we get together once a year for a family reunion. We always stay with June and her family because Bonnie has never had a spare room until now. Our reunion is coming up, and because of the rift we won't all be together. We would like to see Bonnie and the grandchildren, but are not interested in meeting her new man or traveling to her new home.
How can I diplomatically explain to Bonnie and settle on a neutral place to meet without any hurt feelings? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR CAUGHT: There is no way you can do that, so I urge you to rethink your plan of action. You are not helping your daughter, Bonnie, to make "wise choices" by making her feel like an outcast. If June doesn't want to speak to her -- fine. But Bonnie has suffered enough tragedy and disappointment without your adding to her grief. Punishing her will only widen the rift.
DEAR ABBY: The woman I live with accepted a gift -- a dog -- from a guy. Six weeks later she had an affair with him. It happened only weeks after we had made commitments for a future together.
The problem now is the dog. She says she is keeping it because it was a personal gift. I don't want it around because it is a constant reminder that she cheated on me with the person who gave it to her. I feel that keeping the dog shows a lack of respect for me and our relationship.
I need an answer. Should she keep the dog? -- GARY IN LINCOLN, NEB.
DEAR GRAY: Considering what the dog symbolizes, certainly not. And if she insists on keeping it, I predict your future will be 'ruff, 'ruff, 'ruff!
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Cell Phone Opponents Caught Driving While Being Distracted
DEAR ABBY: I would like to share a recent experience with those of your readers who are anti-cell phone. I understand the anxiety concerning motorists who use cell phones.
I was recently on the freeway and found myself following a van that had a bumper sticker that read, "Shut up and drive!" with a picture of a cell phone. The van unexpectedly swerved to one side and braked as though the driver was alarmed. I wondered if something was wrong (I am a medical practitioner) and cautiously crept up alongside.
When I looked in, I saw a family with the husband driving. The wife was holding a container of ketchup for him to dip his fries into while he held a hamburger with the other hand. At one point, she even shifted gears for him!
Abby, I was appalled. I still can't get over the absurdity. How hypocritical for those people to have a bumper sticker criticizing drivers who use cell phones, while actually doing something more dangerous themselves. I waited for my chance to shake a finger at them, but they were too busy eating and passing food around to notice. -- COMMUTER IN VANCOUVER, WASH.
DEAR COMMUTER: According to the literature I have seen regarding the use of cell phones behind the wheel, the driver is as "impaired" as someone who has had three shots of alcohol. Not a happy thought. However, people driving on public roads using no hands and expecting a passenger to do the gear-shifting are beyond the pale -- a danger to themselves and others.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-60s. My wife and I were married 38 years. She died a year ago.
I know it is customary for women to wear their wedding rings after their husband's death, but should men continue wearing their wedding bands?
Although I do not want to offend my children and in-laws by removing my ring, on the other hand, I do not want to appear foolish for continuing to wear it when I am no longer married.
What is proper under these circumstances? -- WONDERING WIDOWER IN WISCONSIN
DEAR WONDERING: When a widow or widower is ready to begin dating again, the wedding rings usually are removed or transferred to the right hand. Since it has been a year since your wife's death, if you wish to remove yours, no one will criticize you for it.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 31 years to a good man. His problem is hygiene. He works hard every day and does not shower before he comes to bed. I shower every night. His sexual partner is clean; mine is dirty.
He showers in the morning, and the rest of the world sees a clean, fragrant man -- but I don't.
Am I being unreasonable to ask my husband to shower in the evening? I guess most people shower in the morning. Please advise me. -- CLOTHESPIN CONNIE ON LONG ISLAND
DEAR CONNIE: With pleasure. Ask your husband to shower with you in the evenings. It might be all the encouragement he needs to clean up his act, not to mention adult fun for both of you.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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Mother in Law Driving Couple Out of Their Minds and Home
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Ruth," who is 80, my husband, "Clarence" (50ish), and I (40ish) all live in the same house. Ruth's husband died before Clarence and I were married. She sold her home and Clarence sold his so they could buy a house together.
My mother-in-law is a wonderful lady. However, she is a complainer. She becomes agitated over petty things. She also doesn't like for Clarence to criticize anything. (His style is more a commentary than criticism.) I don't think Ruth realizes how much complaining she does.
Even though we've repeatedly asked her not to, Ruth "sorts" through our mail and throws out important letters and catalogs she feels we don't need. (She has an obsession with frugality.)
Clarence is even more upset about her behavior than I am. He says if things don't change, he and I will be forced to move. What do you think we should do? -- FRACTURED FAMILY IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRACTURED: If this is relatively new behavior, Ruth may need a physical and mental exam to determine if she's experiencing dementia. However, if this is the way she normally acts, you and your husband are going to have to have it out with her -- and Clarence is going to have to tell his mother that if things don't change, the two of you will be moving. In the meantime, arrange to have all of your mail delivered to a post office box and don't give Ruth a key.
DEAR ABBY: It has been 15 years since our young son David asked us, while riding in the back seat of our car, "How do babies get into mommies' tummies?" My husband immediately said to me, "Honey, since you told our girls all about it before, you can tell David, too."
I retorted: "You're right. But they are girls. I'm sure it would be better for you -- his dad -- to tell our son." With that, his dad asked, "David, are you sure you want to know now?" David said, "Yes, Dad."
My husband then went into detail. I sat frozen, seat belt-bound, as the car and his words drove forward. When the lecture was finished, my husband said, "That's it, son."
Our 7-year-old boy began laughing so hard that we couldn't help laughing with him. When we finally settled down and could talk, we asked David what was so funny? Still chuckling, he replied, "OK, Dad. Now tell me the TRUTH." -- LINDA BRESSLER, TAMPA
DEAR LINDA: Sometimes truth may seem stranger than fiction, but your husband was right to answer your son's question fully and completely when he asked.
DEAR ABBY: I really enjoyed the response Patti Fairchild Bartee told you about in regard to sneezing: "Gesunheit" the first time, and "Gesundheit squared" when the sneezing continued.
It reminded me of a similar saying in the German immigrant community where I grew up near Strawberry Point, Iowa. After a person sneezed and was wished "Gesundheit" (health), the person who sneezed might reply, "Besser wie krankheit," which means, "Better than sickness!" Gesundheit to you, Abby. -- PASTOR OTTO ZWANZIGER (RET.), CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA
DEAR PASTOR ZWANZIGER: God bless you, too!
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)