Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
DAD THINKS HE'S FOUND LOVE IN ARMS OF KIDS' BABY SITTER
DEAR ABBY: My cousin "Tina" and I are in our early 20s. We have baby-sat the same three children since we were in our mid-teens, and have grown to love them as our own. The parents, "Danny" and "Lynn," have become our friends. The problem is, Danny says he is in love with Tina. Danny and Lynn have been married for 10 years, and I always assumed they were happy.
Danny told Tina he feels trapped and alone in his marriage and has convinced her that he is her soulmate. Danny says he wants to leave Lynn and move in with Tina.
The children love their father -- and they love Tina, too. They've known her most of their lives. Somehow I have ended up in the middle of this. My biggest concern is Lynn and the kids. I know Lynn is 100 percent head-over-heels in love with her husband. She confided to me recently that she knows he doesn't love her the way she loves him. Abby, she broke down in tears.
What happens if Danny leaves Lynn and moves in with my cousin? I know Lynn will ask if I knew, and I don't want to lie to her. But how can I tell her the truth? It will tear her heart out knowing I kept the secret. -- ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR ALWAYS: If Lynn asks, tell her the truth -- that you didn't know how to tell her because you were afraid it would break her heart, and you were hoping the romance would burn itself out.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for seven years. Our only conflict has been his ex-wife. Their 9-year-old daughter lives with us, and her mother constantly lets me know in no uncertain terms that this child's welfare is none of my business.
On several ocasions the ex has had the nerve to tell me I'm just "playing house," and that when she's ready to come back to my husband, she will.
My husband keeps telling me not to let her get to me, but it's hard. We have two other children, and his ex-wife's behavior is beginning to influence their daughter in the way she acts toward me and the kids. What in the world should I do about this? -- UPSET SECOND WIFE IN FLORIDA
DEAR UPSET: It's not a matter of what YOU should do. This should be handled by your husband. If his daughter behaves disrespectfully to you, your husband should make it clear to her that just as the two of you treat her with respect and consideration, he expects HER to do the same with you. Period.
P.S. I know it's hard, but don't let his bitter, unhappy ex get to you. Keep your conversations brief, and when she gets nasty, tune her out or get off the phone.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are newlyweds living in an apartment complex. We have dear friends living nearby who are older and widowed. Our problem is that these friends don't give us any time to be alone. They interrupt us at the most inopportune moments.
Abby, how can we let these lovely people know that we need our privacy without hurting their feelings? -- STILL ON OUR HONEYMOON IN TENNESSEE
DEAR HONEYMOONERS: Anyone with a sense of romance will understand that sometimes couples want to be left alone. Just because someone calls, drops by or invites you out does not mean you have to be available.
Just say no -- but say it with a smile.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mothers' Unconditional Love Helps Gay Daughters Come Out
DEAR ABBY: This is for "A Mother Who Cares a Lot," who asked, "What do you say when your daughter tells you she has turned into a lesbian?" I have some advice for her.
You hug your daughter and say: "I'm so glad you told me. Your dad and I want you to know we love you. We realize that coming out is difficult, and we'll do whatever we can to help."
Your daughter has not "turned into" anything. She is what she is and has been since she was born.
Your protestations that you are "respectable people" who "raised her properly" suggest underlying ignorance and homophobia, which is probably what led to her trying to meet your expectations by marrying. She has evidently realized she could no longer maintain this pretense.
You say you "try to be loving and kind." Well, try harder. Did you love your child when she was an infant? A toddler? A young girl? Well, she's still your child. And she needs that love now more than ever, to help her face others whose reactions will be similar to your own. She "is" what you created. She has grown up, and now it's time for you to do the same. -- PARENTS OF STRAIGHT AND GAY CHILDREN, GLENVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR PARENTS: That's excellent advice, and bless you for offering it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I understand the emotion involved in the "coming out" process because I, too, am the mother of a lesbian. The daughter of "Mother Who Cares" didn't "turn into" a lesbian but, of course, was always gay, and unwilling or unable to acknowledge it.
This is a wonderful opportunity for those loving parents to stand by their daughter and to accept and respect her for having the courage to live the life she was born to. What kind of parents are we if we protect and nurture our children, encourage them to be honest with themselves and follow their dreams, only to reject them when they do?
"Mother" didn't mention whether she is their only child. If so, this is their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to prove their unconditional love. "Mother" should learn about homosexuality, talk with her daughter about her feelings, express her own feelings, and use this experience to bond the family closer together. -- WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING, TUMWATER, WASH.
DEAR WOULDN'T: More terrific advice. Thank you for telling it like it is. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the mention of PFLAG in your recent column. PFLAG does a great job providing helpful information for parents struggling with the coming-out of a son or daughter.
My daughter was married and realized it was not to be. She preferred her own gender. She has a doctorate in education, and is very lovable and outgoing.
Respectability has nothing to do with it. I believe she was born this way and didn't have a choice.
If that mother really cares, she would not dwell on herself and grandchildren. Kids do not "owe" their parents grandchildren any more than they owe them a life lived to meet their preconceived specifications or dreams. -- A MOTHER WHO LOVES HER DAUGHTER, TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR MOTHER: That's laying it on the line. If there is one thing I hope this column has shown "Mother Who Cares a Lot," it's that she's not nearly as isolated as she thinks she is. If she's able to open her mind and her heart, she'll discover she has lots of company -- all waiting to support her.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: Please help me to inform your readers about a common cause of home fires. We're heading into the season when there is a marked increase in the use of candles. Already booming in popularity, candles become the staple decoration during the winter holidays. They grace tabletops, mantels and windows from Halloween through New Year's Eve. However, these cheery and inspiring holiday decorations can generate more than flickering light. They are the cause of nearly 10,000 fires and take more than 100 lives a year.
According to the National Fire Protection Association's fire database, the number of candle fires that occur in the month of December is almost twice that of any other month. Nearly half of all home candle fires start in the bedroom -- and sadly, young school-age children have a higher death risk from candle fires than from other fires.
These are frightening statistics. However, candle fires don't have to spoil the holidays. Candles can be used safely IF consumers follow a few simple rules:
-- If children are present, supervise lighted candles at all times, making sure they are displayed on stable surfaces well out of reach of children and pets.
-- Always use sturdy candle holders large enough to collect dripping wax.
-- Avoid purchasing candles in which flammable decorations have been embedded.
-- Keep candles well away from all items that can catch fire, including clothing.
-- Extinguish candles before leaving a room or going to sleep.
-- Never allow children to keep or use candles in their bedrooms.
-- For emergency lighting, use flashlights, not candles.
Your readers can download free, detailed safety tips for candles and other holiday decorations by visiting the NFPA Web site online at www.nfpa.org. -- GEORGE D. MILLER, PRESIDENT, NATIONAL FIRE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION
DEAR GEORGE: With Halloween and Thanksgiving just around the corner, I hope my readers will heed your advice and "candle with care." Thank you for helping them do that.
Readers, if you don't have access to the Internet and would like more detailed information about candle safety, send a long, business-sized, self-addressed, stamped envelope to Dear Abby -- Candle Safety, NFPA, P.O. Box 9101, Quincy, MA 02269-9101. Please allow four to six weeks for delivery.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is desperate for friends. He allows a recently divorced co-worker to do his laundry in our home. He expects me to cook meals for people he barely knows. Most of them are nerds and losers.
I have my own circle of friends. I've known many of them for more than 25 years. We are a tight group. I don't need or want to know his friends.
Please help. His kindness toward others is driving me crazy! -- LONG-SUFFERING WIFE
DEAR LONG-SUFFERING WIFE: You don't have to like all your husband's friends. But marriage is a partnership, and as much as you may enjoy your "tight group" of longtime friends, it's time to expand your horizons and be less judgmental.
P.S. Your husband sounds like a sweetheart to me. He could pitch in to help with the cooking, however, on the evenings he wants you to feed his friends.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)