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Mothers' Unconditional Love Helps Gay Daughters Come Out
DEAR ABBY: This is for "A Mother Who Cares a Lot," who asked, "What do you say when your daughter tells you she has turned into a lesbian?" I have some advice for her.
You hug your daughter and say: "I'm so glad you told me. Your dad and I want you to know we love you. We realize that coming out is difficult, and we'll do whatever we can to help."
Your daughter has not "turned into" anything. She is what she is and has been since she was born.
Your protestations that you are "respectable people" who "raised her properly" suggest underlying ignorance and homophobia, which is probably what led to her trying to meet your expectations by marrying. She has evidently realized she could no longer maintain this pretense.
You say you "try to be loving and kind." Well, try harder. Did you love your child when she was an infant? A toddler? A young girl? Well, she's still your child. And she needs that love now more than ever, to help her face others whose reactions will be similar to your own. She "is" what you created. She has grown up, and now it's time for you to do the same. -- PARENTS OF STRAIGHT AND GAY CHILDREN, GLENVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR PARENTS: That's excellent advice, and bless you for offering it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I understand the emotion involved in the "coming out" process because I, too, am the mother of a lesbian. The daughter of "Mother Who Cares" didn't "turn into" a lesbian but, of course, was always gay, and unwilling or unable to acknowledge it.
This is a wonderful opportunity for those loving parents to stand by their daughter and to accept and respect her for having the courage to live the life she was born to. What kind of parents are we if we protect and nurture our children, encourage them to be honest with themselves and follow their dreams, only to reject them when they do?
"Mother" didn't mention whether she is their only child. If so, this is their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to prove their unconditional love. "Mother" should learn about homosexuality, talk with her daughter about her feelings, express her own feelings, and use this experience to bond the family closer together. -- WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING, TUMWATER, WASH.
DEAR WOULDN'T: More terrific advice. Thank you for telling it like it is. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the mention of PFLAG in your recent column. PFLAG does a great job providing helpful information for parents struggling with the coming-out of a son or daughter.
My daughter was married and realized it was not to be. She preferred her own gender. She has a doctorate in education, and is very lovable and outgoing.
Respectability has nothing to do with it. I believe she was born this way and didn't have a choice.
If that mother really cares, she would not dwell on herself and grandchildren. Kids do not "owe" their parents grandchildren any more than they owe them a life lived to meet their preconceived specifications or dreams. -- A MOTHER WHO LOVES HER DAUGHTER, TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR MOTHER: That's laying it on the line. If there is one thing I hope this column has shown "Mother Who Cares a Lot," it's that she's not nearly as isolated as she thinks she is. If she's able to open her mind and her heart, she'll discover she has lots of company -- all waiting to support her.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
DEAR ABBY: Please help me to inform your readers about a common cause of home fires. We're heading into the season when there is a marked increase in the use of candles. Already booming in popularity, candles become the staple decoration during the winter holidays. They grace tabletops, mantels and windows from Halloween through New Year's Eve. However, these cheery and inspiring holiday decorations can generate more than flickering light. They are the cause of nearly 10,000 fires and take more than 100 lives a year.
According to the National Fire Protection Association's fire database, the number of candle fires that occur in the month of December is almost twice that of any other month. Nearly half of all home candle fires start in the bedroom -- and sadly, young school-age children have a higher death risk from candle fires than from other fires.
These are frightening statistics. However, candle fires don't have to spoil the holidays. Candles can be used safely IF consumers follow a few simple rules:
-- If children are present, supervise lighted candles at all times, making sure they are displayed on stable surfaces well out of reach of children and pets.
-- Always use sturdy candle holders large enough to collect dripping wax.
-- Avoid purchasing candles in which flammable decorations have been embedded.
-- Keep candles well away from all items that can catch fire, including clothing.
-- Extinguish candles before leaving a room or going to sleep.
-- Never allow children to keep or use candles in their bedrooms.
-- For emergency lighting, use flashlights, not candles.
Your readers can download free, detailed safety tips for candles and other holiday decorations by visiting the NFPA Web site online at www.nfpa.org. -- GEORGE D. MILLER, PRESIDENT, NATIONAL FIRE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION
DEAR GEORGE: With Halloween and Thanksgiving just around the corner, I hope my readers will heed your advice and "candle with care." Thank you for helping them do that.
Readers, if you don't have access to the Internet and would like more detailed information about candle safety, send a long, business-sized, self-addressed, stamped envelope to Dear Abby -- Candle Safety, NFPA, P.O. Box 9101, Quincy, MA 02269-9101. Please allow four to six weeks for delivery.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is desperate for friends. He allows a recently divorced co-worker to do his laundry in our home. He expects me to cook meals for people he barely knows. Most of them are nerds and losers.
I have my own circle of friends. I've known many of them for more than 25 years. We are a tight group. I don't need or want to know his friends.
Please help. His kindness toward others is driving me crazy! -- LONG-SUFFERING WIFE
DEAR LONG-SUFFERING WIFE: You don't have to like all your husband's friends. But marriage is a partnership, and as much as you may enjoy your "tight group" of longtime friends, it's time to expand your horizons and be less judgmental.
P.S. Your husband sounds like a sweetheart to me. He could pitch in to help with the cooking, however, on the evenings he wants you to feed his friends.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN SEARCHES FOR COURAGE TO SPEAK OUT ABOUT HER RAPE
DEAR ABBY: About six months ago, I was at a friend's house. We were drinking heavily, and I started getting dizzy, so I went to lie down in her guest bedroom. She was already asleep.
The next thing I knew, her boyfriend was in there with me. He started taking my clothes off. I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't. I was so drunk I didn't have the strength to fight him off. I begged him to leave me alone, but he wouldn't. He raped me. I finally passed out and woke the next morning hoping it had been a dream. It wasn't. I was still naked and had bruises where he had held my wrists.
I left without saying a word and have told no one else. My girlfriend still calls, but I hang up. I need to tell her, but I don't know how. I also need to tell my family, but I can't because I'm afraid they will say I deserved it for going over there and getting drunk. I know I didn't deserve what he did to me. It has taken me this long to figure that out.
The pain has begun to fade, but the fear of him is still there. Abby, please help me find the courage to finally speak up and tell everyone about it. -- SCARED AND ALONE IN BRITTON, MICH.
DEAR SCARED AND ALONE: The penalty for having too much to drink should be a nasty hangover, not rape. You did not deserve what happened to you. I'm only sorry you waited so long to speak out about the assault. With fresh bruises and the evidence that could have been collected at that time, you would have had proof of your rape, and your attacker could have been jailed for his crime. Also, you could have begun therapy immediately to help you place the blame where it belonged -- on the rapist -- and saved yourself long months of undeserved guilt.
However, it is not too late to get the counseling and emotional support you need. Pick up the phone and ask "Information" for the number of the nearest rape hotline. You will find that you are not alone and are not "guilty" of any crime. Once you understand that, telling your family and the girl whose boyfriend attacked you will be much easier.
DEAR ABBY: I'm in the doghouse with my mother. Last month, my daughter turned 21. As a gift, I planned a special three-day weekend for the two of us. We flew to San Diego and visited some attractions my daughter has always wanted to see -- Sea World and the zoo.
The problem: My mother lives in San Diego. She's mad that we didn't stay with her or visit. Abby, there are three reasons why we didn't contact her: She's very controlling and demanding and would have changed all the plans we made. Second, I wanted our weekend to be a father-daughter event. Third, we see Mom several times a year.
Mom says I should have invited her to some of the attractions. However, she doesn't like to walk and would have complained the whole time. She also said we should have invited her along for dinner, but my daughter and I share a taste for spicy foods, which Mom dislikes. In other words, there was no way to please her and have quality time with my daughter.
Was I wrong? Can't a father spend a special birthday with his child without turning it into a family reunion? Mom's not speaking to me or my daughter, but agreed to forgive and forget if you side with me. -– GENE IN IDAHO
DEAR GENE: I'm siding with you. Of course it is permissible for a father to share a special birthday with his daughter. Surely this isn't the first time family members have noticed that your mother can be difficult or self-centered. It's a sad situation, really, because if she were more flexible, she would have been welcomed.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)