What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Please help me to inform your readers about a common cause of home fires. We're heading into the season when there is a marked increase in the use of candles. Already booming in popularity, candles become the staple decoration during the winter holidays. They grace tabletops, mantels and windows from Halloween through New Year's Eve. However, these cheery and inspiring holiday decorations can generate more than flickering light. They are the cause of nearly 10,000 fires and take more than 100 lives a year.
According to the National Fire Protection Association's fire database, the number of candle fires that occur in the month of December is almost twice that of any other month. Nearly half of all home candle fires start in the bedroom -- and sadly, young school-age children have a higher death risk from candle fires than from other fires.
These are frightening statistics. However, candle fires don't have to spoil the holidays. Candles can be used safely IF consumers follow a few simple rules:
-- If children are present, supervise lighted candles at all times, making sure they are displayed on stable surfaces well out of reach of children and pets.
-- Always use sturdy candle holders large enough to collect dripping wax.
-- Avoid purchasing candles in which flammable decorations have been embedded.
-- Keep candles well away from all items that can catch fire, including clothing.
-- Extinguish candles before leaving a room or going to sleep.
-- Never allow children to keep or use candles in their bedrooms.
-- For emergency lighting, use flashlights, not candles.
Your readers can download free, detailed safety tips for candles and other holiday decorations by visiting the NFPA Web site online at www.nfpa.org. -- GEORGE D. MILLER, PRESIDENT, NATIONAL FIRE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION
DEAR GEORGE: With Halloween and Thanksgiving just around the corner, I hope my readers will heed your advice and "candle with care." Thank you for helping them do that.
Readers, if you don't have access to the Internet and would like more detailed information about candle safety, send a long, business-sized, self-addressed, stamped envelope to Dear Abby -- Candle Safety, NFPA, P.O. Box 9101, Quincy, MA 02269-9101. Please allow four to six weeks for delivery.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is desperate for friends. He allows a recently divorced co-worker to do his laundry in our home. He expects me to cook meals for people he barely knows. Most of them are nerds and losers.
I have my own circle of friends. I've known many of them for more than 25 years. We are a tight group. I don't need or want to know his friends.
Please help. His kindness toward others is driving me crazy! -- LONG-SUFFERING WIFE
DEAR LONG-SUFFERING WIFE: You don't have to like all your husband's friends. But marriage is a partnership, and as much as you may enjoy your "tight group" of longtime friends, it's time to expand your horizons and be less judgmental.
P.S. Your husband sounds like a sweetheart to me. He could pitch in to help with the cooking, however, on the evenings he wants you to feed his friends.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
WOMAN SEARCHES FOR COURAGE TO SPEAK OUT ABOUT HER RAPE
DEAR ABBY: About six months ago, I was at a friend's house. We were drinking heavily, and I started getting dizzy, so I went to lie down in her guest bedroom. She was already asleep.
The next thing I knew, her boyfriend was in there with me. He started taking my clothes off. I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't. I was so drunk I didn't have the strength to fight him off. I begged him to leave me alone, but he wouldn't. He raped me. I finally passed out and woke the next morning hoping it had been a dream. It wasn't. I was still naked and had bruises where he had held my wrists.
I left without saying a word and have told no one else. My girlfriend still calls, but I hang up. I need to tell her, but I don't know how. I also need to tell my family, but I can't because I'm afraid they will say I deserved it for going over there and getting drunk. I know I didn't deserve what he did to me. It has taken me this long to figure that out.
The pain has begun to fade, but the fear of him is still there. Abby, please help me find the courage to finally speak up and tell everyone about it. -- SCARED AND ALONE IN BRITTON, MICH.
DEAR SCARED AND ALONE: The penalty for having too much to drink should be a nasty hangover, not rape. You did not deserve what happened to you. I'm only sorry you waited so long to speak out about the assault. With fresh bruises and the evidence that could have been collected at that time, you would have had proof of your rape, and your attacker could have been jailed for his crime. Also, you could have begun therapy immediately to help you place the blame where it belonged -- on the rapist -- and saved yourself long months of undeserved guilt.
However, it is not too late to get the counseling and emotional support you need. Pick up the phone and ask "Information" for the number of the nearest rape hotline. You will find that you are not alone and are not "guilty" of any crime. Once you understand that, telling your family and the girl whose boyfriend attacked you will be much easier.
DEAR ABBY: I'm in the doghouse with my mother. Last month, my daughter turned 21. As a gift, I planned a special three-day weekend for the two of us. We flew to San Diego and visited some attractions my daughter has always wanted to see -- Sea World and the zoo.
The problem: My mother lives in San Diego. She's mad that we didn't stay with her or visit. Abby, there are three reasons why we didn't contact her: She's very controlling and demanding and would have changed all the plans we made. Second, I wanted our weekend to be a father-daughter event. Third, we see Mom several times a year.
Mom says I should have invited her to some of the attractions. However, she doesn't like to walk and would have complained the whole time. She also said we should have invited her along for dinner, but my daughter and I share a taste for spicy foods, which Mom dislikes. In other words, there was no way to please her and have quality time with my daughter.
Was I wrong? Can't a father spend a special birthday with his child without turning it into a family reunion? Mom's not speaking to me or my daughter, but agreed to forgive and forget if you side with me. -– GENE IN IDAHO
DEAR GENE: I'm siding with you. Of course it is permissible for a father to share a special birthday with his daughter. Surely this isn't the first time family members have noticed that your mother can be difficult or self-centered. It's a sad situation, really, because if she were more flexible, she would have been welcomed.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Husband Moves Too Quickly After Wife Lingers, Then Dies
DEAR ABBY: On Mother's Day, we went to visit my in-laws. My mother-in-law, "Gertrude," had been sick for several years. While we were there, my father-in-law, "Hank," told us he was tired of taking care of her and not getting any relief. This was the first time we heard that he was in need of help.
Two weeks later, Hank called to say that Gert was very ill and the doctors didn't give her long to live. My husbvand is a long-haul truck driver and was on the West Coast. It took us three days to get to his parents. When we arrived, we found Gert's health had drastically deteriorated. She was bedridden and could hardly speak. It was obviious it was only a matter of days.
As we were about to leave, Hank said he wanted us to meet someone. He left the house and returned 10 minutes later with a woman. He introduced her as his "special friend." Abby, she was his girlfriend! He brought her into the house while his wife of more than 40 years lay there dying. Two days later, Gert was gone.
\ While we were at the funeral home making the burial arrangements, Hank called his girlfriend on his cell phone and asked her to accompany him to his grandson's graduation. (It was the same day.) When she arrived at the funeral home, they clung to each other to the point of being sicke ning, and he told us he loved her.
Can you believe anyone would have so little respect for his wife and family? My husband and his sister are appalled. Had he waited a reasonable length of time to introduce eus, we could have accepted it. Granted, Gert wasn't the easiest person to live with, but Hank was sick for many years himself, and Gert stood by him, worked and took care of her family, too.
What do you think of his behavior? -- HORRIFIED IN HICKORY, N.C.
DEAR HORRIFIED: It appears your father-in-law was experiencing caregiver burnout for some time. He was overwhelmed by the responsibility and needed someone to lean on. Since no family was there to help him, he turned to a "special friend."
While I agree the timing of his declaration of love leaves something to be desired, please do not judge him harshly.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a married man who happens to have a girlfriend. My wife knows her and likes her, and her husband is a fine man for whom I have the greatest respect.
We are not cheating. There are no tears, no recriminations, no lies, no guilt, no screaming, no divorces, no dead bodies on the floor. Everyuone's heart is big enough to accommodate this situation.
Your column is filled with letters from jealous spouses. I wonder if you dare acknowledge a different perspective. Jealousy is not instinctive in humans. It is learned behavior -- a product of cultural conditioning.
Many people have open marriages. Puritanism was one of the most destructive forces in American history. It should have been jettisoned centuries ago.
The next time you see one of those horrible news stories about a man killing his estranged wife, kids and self, consider what the price of that cultural conditioning really is. -- ALIVE AND WELL IN UTOPIA
DEAR ALIVE AND WELL: Cultural conditioning? Estranged husbands who kill their former wives, children and themselves are psychopaths. I'm hardly a Puritan, but in my opinion, people who have open marriages behave as though they have no marriage at all. My sympathy to their spouses.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)