Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Rude Users of Cell Phones Inspire Creative Response
DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I read the letter from the cashier who got even with rude customers using cell phones by "misplacing" their merchandise. Her actions were wrong, of course, but I understand her frustration.
I manage a store and frequently work behind the cash register. Believe me, the cell phone problem is epidemic. When my employees complain about rude customers, I advise them to pretend the phone doesn't exist. Little did I know that one of my employees would come up with a solution to the problem:
One Sunday morning when the employee was in church, somebody's cell phone rang. Every head in church turned to see "whodunit." The pastor stopped in the middle of his sermon and announced, "Go ahead. We'll wait -- who is it?" The pastor's expression showed he wasn't angry -- nevertheless, his point was clearly made. The congregation howled with laughter.
Now, when one of my employees uses this tactic, the result is the same. And not one person has ever come into the store a second time babbling away on the airwaves. -- FOUND A BETTER WAY IN NASHVILLE
DEAR FOUND A BETTER WAY: Which proves you get better results with humor than with rancor. Bravo. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I suspect that some people use cell phones as a psychological barrier to help them avoid interacting with strangers. After all, interrupting people while they're on a cell phone is something most of us instinctively avoid. My theory is that while immersed in private conversation, the callers feel shielded from the outside world.
I've heard snippets of chatter so inane I can't believe my ears. Don't get me wrong; I'm not eavesdropping. However, sometimes it's impossible not to listen when someone brushes past me or talks incessantly while waiting in line behind me.
Sometimes I suspect that people only pretend to be on their cell phone. They think it makes them appear more important than they really are. It's a snobbish affectation, but they actually believe they're somehow earning respect from those who observe them.
Thanks for letting me vent. Sign me ... FINGERS IN MY EARS
DEAR FINGERS: Those are interesting theories. Technologies may change, but people remain the same. There was a famous hotel here in Los Angeles that was frequented years ago by celebrities. The reservation list in the famous "lounge" was a veritable Who's Who of actors, directors, producers and agents. This was long before the invention of cell phones. People who wanted to draw attention to themselves would arrange to be paged. A uniformed bellman -- who had previously starred in the "Call for Philip Morris" cigarette commercials -- would stride through the hotel lobby and restaurant calling out, "Telephone call for Mister (blank)!" I suspect it was done more often by people between jobs than people who actually had urgent business.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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Tag Along Daughter Needs to Find Friends of Her Own
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Adrienne," is 20 and not very sociable. She doesn't have many friends.
Almost every time my wife and I go out to eat or go away for the weekend, my wife insists on taking Adrienne along because she doesn't want to leave her home.
Abby, our daughter should be out with friends -- not her parents. I would like to spend some time alone with my wife. How do you feel about this situation? -- FRUSTRATED IN LONG ISLAND
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your daughter is no longer a child; she's a young woman now. There is no reason why a 20-year-old cannot spend weekends at home without parental supervision. By insisting that Adrienne be consistently present when you go out to dinner or away on trips, your wife is discouraging intimacy with you and preventing her daughter from developing independence. As long as Adrienne is encouraged to lean on you for entertainment, she'll be less likely to forge friendships with contemporaries. Perhaps counseling will help to give her more confidence socially.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jamie," died earlier this year. My teen-age son, "Jamie Jr.," wants his father's military records. When I found them, I was shocked. Jamie got an honorable discharge from the U.S. Army, but he also appeared before a board of inquiry for striking an officer.
Jamie never disclosed this to me or any of his family. It would have been a disgrace. Jamie and our son had a very close relationship, and I don't want Jamie Jr. to be disillusioned and ashamed of his father now.
I am tempted to "lose" these records. What do you think? -- SURPRISED WIFE IN OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR SURPRISED WIFE: Give your son his father's military records. If you do, I can't help feeling your son will gain even more respect for his father. This is an excellent example of how people can change and grow, even though they may have made mistakes when they were younger.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating the sweetest man for about three months. "Danny" leaves me loving notes, draws me pictures, massages my back, and even makes my bed when I'm in the shower. He is without a doubt the most thoughtful man I've ever been with, and I have fallen for him hard.
There is one problem: Danny doesn't make much money. He works hard in his field, but it's either feast or famine.
I, on the other hand, earn a very substantial salary. I have been afraid to share this fact with Danny for several reasons. One, my career intimidated my previous boyfriend, and I don't want that to happen again. And, two, I'm very private about my assets anyway.
Abby, should I keep my income a secret from Danny, or is that considered "lying"? Can a relationship work between a man and woman who are miles apart on the income scale -- especially when the woman is the richer of the two? -- CONFUSED YOUNG WOMAN IN LOVE
DEAR CONFUSED: If Danny hasn't asked, I see no reason to discuss your finances prematurely. Yes, a relationship like yours can work. But only if the qualities each person brings to the relationship are considered equally important.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Swift Action Against Bullies Makes Schools Safer for All
DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the letters you have printed about bullying. If an adult attacks an adult, the victim can call the police. If an adult attacks a child, the child can call the police. But if a child attacks or bullies another child, no adult will step in. The adults stand back and say things like, "They'll work it out," or, "It's part of growing up," or, "The bully must come from a broken home."
All violence is wrong. Kids will NOT work it out. Talking to bullies doesn't deter them any more than talking to fish stops them from swimming. Child psychologists need to remember that bullies do it because they enjoy it. Bullies bully because society allows them to. -- VETERAN OF THE SCHOOLYARD WARS
DEAR VETERAN: I agree that bullying must not be tolerated and must be dealt with on a proactive basis. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have zero tolerance for bullying. As a mother, foster mother and grandmother, when it happened in my family, a call to the principal describing the problem and insisting on a meeting with the bully's parents usually ended the problem. I always explained, both to the principal and the parent, that if the problem wasn't taken care of, I would press civil charges, and I meant it. If my child was causing the problem, I would see that it stopped.
Only once this didn't work -- when the bully's father was a policeman. On the second interview, I suggested to him, in my sweetest voice, that he was seriously damaging the chief of police's public relations program. That was the end of the problem. -- CAROL IN PASCO, WASH.
DEAR CAROL: Good for you. Making sure the school principal is aware of the problem is a must. Also, taking the time to document each incident is helpful should legal action be necessary. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I grew up in one of the most affluent cities in the country. My high school was one of the top 15. While I was bright academically, I was a loner. I was teased, taunted and physically bullied. Had I been wired just a little differently, I could have caused a bloodbath at my high school.
Instead, I turned all my anger inward and became bulimic and suicidal. My parents and the 12-step program of Overeaters Anonymous saved my life at age 16. I was lucky to find in O.A. a place filled with unconditional acceptance.
During those years, my high school saw two suicides and several suicide attempts, all from bright but alienated students. While teachers and administrators offered counseling about the suicides, they never addressed the core issues of bullying, teasing and labeling. Those suicides, like the homicides of the past several years, could have been prevented if people in authority had taken a stand for the health and well-being of the entire student body.
Since high school, I have become a much happier person. I have traveled in 30 countries, met and spoken with world leaders, enjoyed financial prosperity, friendship and love.
Please let your readers know that the various 12-step programs can be lifesaving resources not only for adults, but also for young people. They offer acceptance to alcoholics, drug users, obese teens, bulimics, anorexics, and even those with emotional difficulties but no substance addiction. -- FORMER OUTCAST
DEAR FORMER OUTCAST: Your letter illustrates that while the teen years may feel like a life sentence for some, there really is an end in sight -- a bright new beginning filled with hope. I'm pleased to spread your message. Twelve-step programs can be an excellent resource for teens and cost nothing to join.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)