Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Dinner Guests With Allergies Must Speak Up Loud and Clear
DEAR ABBY: I am a widower who enjoys maintaining contact with -- and occasionally entertaining -- the friends my wife and I shared before her death. At a dinner party I hosted last weekend, one of those friends nearly died.
This lovely lady, who has been a friend for nearly 20 years, is allergic to peanuts. With the exception of her husband, no one else at the party knew this. One of the appetizers I made that night was skewered chicken with a peanut dipping sauce. She sampled it and went into respiratory failure.
Fortunately, the paramedics were able to sustain her breathing until she could be rushed to the emergency room. Thank God she is recovering nicely.
Last night, I received a phone call from her daughter, who berated me for nearly "killing" her mother and threatened to sue me for negligence. Abby, I'll be honest. I didn't react to her accusations gracefully.
Another close friend is allergic to shellfish. My dinner companions and I make it a point to carefully isolate any shellfish dishes from other food being served when this friend is present. We know that even a bit of sauce dripped from a serving spoon that has come in contact with shellfish can create a health hazard for her.
She does her part by taking responsibility for herself. She doesn't hesitate to ask about each dish being served, so she'll know if one of them could cause an allergic reaction. If the lady with the peanut allergy had done this, she wouldn't have suffered a close call at my home last weekend.
Please warn your readers to be open about their food allergies. -- DON'T BLAME THE COOK, HI NELLA, N.J.
DEAR COOK: The woman's daughter was reacting out of fear, so I hope you weren't too hard on her. Your point about adults taking charge of their allergies is an important one.
DEAR ABBY: My cousin "Jenny" and I have always been close. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week. However, when it comes to phone etiquette, she's clueless -- and it's bugging the heck out of me.
When Jenny and I are on the phone, she constantly interrupts me by talking to her cats. These comments are not made because her pets are misbehaving. She'll start baby-talking to them for no reason while I'm in mid-sentence. In addition, I'm pretty sure she isn't listening to me half the time. If I ask a question, there's a dead silence until I ask her if she's still there.
On the other hand, when Jenny has a problem or wants to say something, she talks a mile a minute and gets annoyed if I don't catch it all.
Another thing: She calls me at work and expects me to have long, leisurely chats. When I try to explain that there's no way I can do that, Jenny gets huffy.
I'm not sure how to handle this. What should I do? -- QUESTIONING COUSIN IN PEORIA, ILL.
DEAR COUSIN: Your cousin's behavior is rude. By her actions, she is delivering a message that what you have to say isn't important to her. You're right -- dead silence when you ask her a question means her attention is elsewhere.
The next time Jenny talks to her pets while you are conversing with her, tell her you have to go -- and hang up. Ditto for her calls to you at work. Tell her to call back in the evening when you're not on company time.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Senator Gives Straight Skinny on Swimming Nude in Vermont
DEAR ABBY: I chuckled over your hot tub letters. When I was a young prosecutor in Vermont, an overly ambitious prosecutor in another county had someone arrested for skinny-dipping -- basically out of sight of everybody -- in a river. The local judge actually sentenced the "perpetrator" to jail, which caused an uproar.
Subsequently, I got a call from the state police about a complaint of skinny-dipping. Apparently the officer arrived to find an older woman at a farmhouse on a dirt road with no water in sight. She said: "Don't worry. Go across that field and climb up through those woods about a mile and a half, and you'll find a stream where they are bathing naked. But go very quietly, because if they hear you, they'll put their clothes on!"
The trooper suggested that maybe he should check with me; I was the state's attorney at the time. I ensconced myself at my family's summer farm during the Fourth of July weekend and researched the issue. I began by reviewing old Norman Rockwell paintings, thoughtfully resurrected by the ACLU, showing such activities taking place allegedly in Vermont. (Along this line, I was unable to either confirm or refute the persistent rumor that Vermont's No. 1 politician, Calvin Coolidge, had also engaged in such activity in this state while subject to Vermont law.)
I also discussed -- after grants of immunity -- experiences of this nature enjoyed by some of Vermont's prosecutors, judges, law enforcement officers and sailboat operators. After checking the statute of limitations, I even reviewed past histories of some of my contemporaries during my teen-age years. Not to be outdone, each member of my office offered to investigate this matter in an undercover manner (so to speak).
It turned out that most Vermonters I talked to had engaged in such scandalous activity at some time in their lies.
Therefore, to guide any law enforcement officer so lacking in other criminal matters to investigate, I offered in all seriousness the following guidelines:
(1) In public areas and semi-public areas: Nude bathing is not acceptable. In such instances the officer receiving the complaint should order the person to dress. Failure to stay clothed should result in a summons to court.
(2) On private land out of view of the public: The state has no legitimate interest and swimmers should be left alone.
(3) In secluded areas sometimes publicly used (rivers, swimming holes, etc.): If no member of the public is offended, no disorderly conduct has taken place. If members of the public complain, proceed as in No. 1 above.
I understand that J. Edgar Hoover was infuriated at the thought of this young prosecutor in Vermont treating the matter so lightly. -- SEN. PATRICK J. LEAHY, WASHINGTON, D.C.
DEAR SEN. LEAHY: You put the matter properly in perspective. That's only to be expected from someone whose home state shows such respect for the rights and personal freedoms of its citizens. My hat's off to you. (But that's all!)
P.S. I wonder why J. Edgar Hoover was infuriated. Rumor has it he was an undercover man himself.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Unsatisfied Wife Drives 'Ideal' Husband to Face Cold Reality
DEAR ABBY: You've published letters from wives complaining about their husbands. You should know that there are also husbands who put up with verbally abusive wives.
I make close to a six-figure salary, but my wife isn't satisfied. She complains because many of our friends and neighbors make more.
My wife works, but believes she should spend all she earns on herself. Would it hurt her to pay for some of our children's school clothes or contribute to their school tuition, instead of me selling company stock?
She's forgotten what intimacy is. I send her flowers and take her to nice places for dinner. I don't even get a goodnight kiss.
I work 10 to 12 hours a day and still manage to wash the clothes, do the dishes and put everything away. She complains she doesn't have enough help around the house.
I buy her thoughtful presents. She gives me gift certificates from video stores.
What my wife doesn't know is that when the kids are out of college, this provider will be history! -- IDEAL HUSBAND IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR IDEAL: Why keep it a secret? If you tell your wife now, it's possible the two of you can save your relationship with marriage counseling. A mediator might be able to convince her to make a drastic attitude adjustment. It's worth a try. If it doesn't work, you'll be free sooner rather than later.
DEAR ABBY: I am in a spot. One of my best friends is being married in December the same day as my college graduation. I have worked very hard these past few years trying to obtain this graduate degree. I didn't graduate with any honors when I received my bachelor's, and so far I have a 4.0. I would receive a special award for this.
I am so confused. I don't know what to do. Should I just attend my graduation and show up for the reception? Or should I skip my graduation and go to the wedding? The bride is expecting me to forgo my graduation.
I am the first from my circle of friends to get a graduate degree. What should I do? -- IN A BIND IN TEXAS
DEAR IN A BIND: You have worked hard to earn your graduate degree and the honors that go with it. Attend your graduation ceremony and then go to your friend's wedding reception. If she begrudges you the validation you worked so hard to achieve, clip this and show it to her. She needs a dose of reality. It may be her big day, but it's your big day, too.
DEAR ABBY: I am a recycling nut. I throw nothing away that can possibly be recycled. I have long used worn-out panty hose as stuffing material, or cut it into strips to tie back house and garden plants.
But my newest discovery is fantastic: Cut the panty hose off about one-half inch below the panty line, cut out the crotch, slip it over your head, and voila! -- you have the neatest strapless bra. The control-top hose are firm enough to hold my 90-year-old sagging breasts, and it's very comfortable. No stays, no wires, no stiff cloth. Wherever you wear it, it stays -- high or low. I just had to share this idea. –- MISSOURI RECYCLER
DEAR RECYCLER: Thank you for the uplifting letter, and for your original addition to the recycling support effort.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)