Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
CRAVING FOR FAME DISAPPEARS AFTER GIRL'S LIFE CHANGES FOCUS
DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from "Wanting to Be a Star," the 12-year-old girl who wants to be famous instead of being a "no one." I felt exactly the same way when I was her age. Living my whole life without making my mark on the world weighed heavily on my mind. My biggest fear was that I would have the same sort of ordinary life my parents had. However, something happened when I was 15 that forever changed my view of the purpose of my life: My father died suddenly of a brain aneurysm.
My parents were regular people. Mom was a housewife who volunteered at our school, in Girl Scouts and church. She also coached my softball team. Dad worked five, sometimes six days a week as a salesman for a company most people never heard of. He volunteered his time helping others, serving on the school board, and always made time for his wife and children.
My parents taught me by example how to trust and be trustworthy, to be kind to strangers and generous to those less fortunate. They worked hard to give us kids an education and a strong work ethic. Because of them I learned that it is more important to be loved by the people you know than adored by the ones you don't. -- KAREN THOMPSON, MARYSVILLE, PENN.
DEAR KAREN: You ARE a star -- a shining example of your parents' unconditional love. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and have been working on my acting and dancing skills for years. It's finally beginning to pay off. I have some advice for "Wanting to Be a Star":
(1) Don't be intimidated by those with more experience.
(2) Don't expect jobs to come looking for you; work hard and don't give up your dream.
(3) Always have a backup job you can enjoy while waiting for your break.
(4) And always be yourself. It's better to be a real nobody than a fake somebody. You were born an original. Don't become a copy.
Good luck -- and "break a leg!" -- KELLY IN DELAWARE
DEAR KELLY: That's terrific advice, and it applies to every career a person could aspire to -- not just show biz. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, come from humble beginnings, and like "Waiting" I also had dreams.
I enrolled in my first ballet class at 18. I was a "natural" and was chosen to participate in a 10-week program taught by a well-known choreographer. My parents were not pleased. Their philosophy was founded in the post-World War II mentality that men went to work and women were homemakers. In an effort to compromise, I worked full time as a secretary and went to college in the evenings. Because the dance course was held during working house, I had no choice but to decline the opportunity that was offered to me. I was heartbroken.
After 20 years, I am still a secretary. I would like to urge "Waiting" to sit down and make a plan. And she should follow that plan until she reaches her goal -- regardless of what anyone says. Breaking into the entertainment industry may be difficult, but waking up each day to go to a job you hate is even harder. -- REGRETFUL IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR REGRETFUL: While it may be too late for you to have a dance career, it's not too late to volunteer some of your free time to a dance company. Or, if the urge to perform is too strong for that, you may find a creative outlet in folk dancing or square dancing where the accent on youth and agility is less than it is in ballet. Trust me -- you'll have a ball!
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Years of Resentment Washed Away by Decision to Forgive
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Controlled and Trapped," the 18-year-old woman who was forbidden by her mother to visit "Tom" in Tennessee unless she took a chaperone. She never did go, and she regretted it for the next 40 years. She finally got her own apartment, but continued to feel deep resentment toward her mother. You recommended counseling.
I am a 67-year-old retired M.D. who happens to be gay. I, too, felt controlled and trapped by my parents when I was younger. Over the years, I was counseled by two psychiatrists and three psychotherapists. Even after all that psychiatric help, I still felt great resentment toward my folks. However, after I moved to Los Angeles, I was fortunate enough to find a mentor.
One day, my mentor said something that forever cracked my shell of resentment and anger. He said, "Armand, your parents behaved the way they did because they didn't know any better!" I suddenly realized that both my parents had only sixth-grade educations, and had they known better, they probably would have treated me differently.
When I asked my mentor if I should forgive my parents, he said, "You got it! You'll have to forgive them every time they come to mind."
You know what? It took quite a while, but I persisted and it paid off. Finally, all my anger and resentment dissipated. I cried tears of joy for my newfound freedom and peace of mind. Then I actually began feeling love in my heart toward my parents.
Softly, slowly ... love heals. I read your column faithfully. Keep up the good work. -- ARMAND AUGER, M.D., LOS ANGELES
DEAR ARMAND: Your mentor led you to a beautiful realization. Sometimes difficult situations are resolved by simple truths.
DEAR ABBY: I am in love with "Errol." But he has one big flaw. He has a habit of staring at other women's bodies. Specifically, their chests. I'm not talking about just a glance at a well-endowed female. Errol literally stares until the lady is out of sight.
I find it annoying and embarrassing. We have discussed it many times, but he refuses to admit there is anything abnormal about his behavior. He says all men do it. I have dated other men and have never experienced this problem.
Errol says he loves me, and I believe him. Other than his staring, our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to leave him. However, I'm afraid his obsession will eventually come between us. What are your thoughts on this? -- IN LOVE WITH A LEERER
DEAR IN LOVE: Glancing at other people is normal. Staring is considered rude, inconsiderate and a sign of immaturity. It's also demeaning to one's companion.
Since your boyfriend knows how his staring makes you feel and has made it clear he has no intention of altering his behavior, I'd say your relationship with him is already a bust.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
False Alarm Pregnancy Sets Man Off to Find More 'Space'
DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-20s and have found the perfect man. We are very much in love and have discussed marriage. We are sexually active and responsible about using birth control.
A week and a half ago, my period was noticeably late. I voiced my concerns to "Bob." He assured me everything would be fine and tried to console me; however, he never said anything about marrying me if I was pregnant. It turned out to be a false alarm.
Last night, Bob told me he needed "space"; that there are things he needs to accomplish in life before getting married. He said his decision had nothing to do with me and that he still loves me very much. I find it too coincidental that this change came about only a week after my possible pregnancy. We talked it over and ended our relationship.
Abby, I couldn't bear the thought of being with a man who is capable of running away from his responsibility. I, too, have things I'd like to accomplish in life, but I would have liked to achieve them with Bob by my side. Do you think I made the right decision to end it, or did I overreact? -- AT A LOSS IN ATLANTA
DEAR AT A LOSS: Overreact? Not at all. Your false alarm made your "perfect man" show his true colors.
DEAR ABBY: I am a teen-age girl in middle school. I had this boyfriend, "Bud." We were really close and were friends long before we became girlfriend and boyfriend. There was also this other boy, "Burke," who is very good-looking. We called each other a few times and just "clicked."
Some friends told me if I wanted things to spark with Burke, I would have to break up with Bud. I was in love with Bud and didn't want to break up with him -- but I wanted "sparks to fly" with Burke and me, so I broke up with Bud. He was very hurt.
Later that night, Burke didn't call me, and I found out he didn't want to be my boyfriend. I immediately called Bud, crying, and asked him to take me back. He said no!
Abby, I can't eat or sleep and I don't go out with my friends anymore. Now Bud likes another girl, and I can't stand her! Please tell me what to do. -- DEPRESSED AND CONFUSED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR DEPRESSED: You've learned a valuable lesson at a young age: A Bud in the hand is worth two Burkes in the bush. Treasure what you have and learn from your mistakes.
DEAR ABBY: You might like to share my method of updating an address book: Last year I tore all the little return address labels from the holiday cards I received and pasted them in my address book.
It makes for a much neater look and guarantees the addresses are correct. It also eliminates scratch-outs and messy handwriting, because if an address changes, I simply paste the new label over the old.
Since I never miss your column and learn much from your readers, I thought I would return the favor. -- MARY FOLDEN, NAPERVILLE, ILL.
DEAR MARY: It's a clever idea -- and with the holidays approaching, certainly worth trying. Thanks for the suggestion.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)