Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Years of Resentment Washed Away by Decision to Forgive
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Controlled and Trapped," the 18-year-old woman who was forbidden by her mother to visit "Tom" in Tennessee unless she took a chaperone. She never did go, and she regretted it for the next 40 years. She finally got her own apartment, but continued to feel deep resentment toward her mother. You recommended counseling.
I am a 67-year-old retired M.D. who happens to be gay. I, too, felt controlled and trapped by my parents when I was younger. Over the years, I was counseled by two psychiatrists and three psychotherapists. Even after all that psychiatric help, I still felt great resentment toward my folks. However, after I moved to Los Angeles, I was fortunate enough to find a mentor.
One day, my mentor said something that forever cracked my shell of resentment and anger. He said, "Armand, your parents behaved the way they did because they didn't know any better!" I suddenly realized that both my parents had only sixth-grade educations, and had they known better, they probably would have treated me differently.
When I asked my mentor if I should forgive my parents, he said, "You got it! You'll have to forgive them every time they come to mind."
You know what? It took quite a while, but I persisted and it paid off. Finally, all my anger and resentment dissipated. I cried tears of joy for my newfound freedom and peace of mind. Then I actually began feeling love in my heart toward my parents.
Softly, slowly ... love heals. I read your column faithfully. Keep up the good work. -- ARMAND AUGER, M.D., LOS ANGELES
DEAR ARMAND: Your mentor led you to a beautiful realization. Sometimes difficult situations are resolved by simple truths.
DEAR ABBY: I am in love with "Errol." But he has one big flaw. He has a habit of staring at other women's bodies. Specifically, their chests. I'm not talking about just a glance at a well-endowed female. Errol literally stares until the lady is out of sight.
I find it annoying and embarrassing. We have discussed it many times, but he refuses to admit there is anything abnormal about his behavior. He says all men do it. I have dated other men and have never experienced this problem.
Errol says he loves me, and I believe him. Other than his staring, our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to leave him. However, I'm afraid his obsession will eventually come between us. What are your thoughts on this? -- IN LOVE WITH A LEERER
DEAR IN LOVE: Glancing at other people is normal. Staring is considered rude, inconsiderate and a sign of immaturity. It's also demeaning to one's companion.
Since your boyfriend knows how his staring makes you feel and has made it clear he has no intention of altering his behavior, I'd say your relationship with him is already a bust.
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False Alarm Pregnancy Sets Man Off to Find More 'Space'
DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-20s and have found the perfect man. We are very much in love and have discussed marriage. We are sexually active and responsible about using birth control.
A week and a half ago, my period was noticeably late. I voiced my concerns to "Bob." He assured me everything would be fine and tried to console me; however, he never said anything about marrying me if I was pregnant. It turned out to be a false alarm.
Last night, Bob told me he needed "space"; that there are things he needs to accomplish in life before getting married. He said his decision had nothing to do with me and that he still loves me very much. I find it too coincidental that this change came about only a week after my possible pregnancy. We talked it over and ended our relationship.
Abby, I couldn't bear the thought of being with a man who is capable of running away from his responsibility. I, too, have things I'd like to accomplish in life, but I would have liked to achieve them with Bob by my side. Do you think I made the right decision to end it, or did I overreact? -- AT A LOSS IN ATLANTA
DEAR AT A LOSS: Overreact? Not at all. Your false alarm made your "perfect man" show his true colors.
DEAR ABBY: I am a teen-age girl in middle school. I had this boyfriend, "Bud." We were really close and were friends long before we became girlfriend and boyfriend. There was also this other boy, "Burke," who is very good-looking. We called each other a few times and just "clicked."
Some friends told me if I wanted things to spark with Burke, I would have to break up with Bud. I was in love with Bud and didn't want to break up with him -- but I wanted "sparks to fly" with Burke and me, so I broke up with Bud. He was very hurt.
Later that night, Burke didn't call me, and I found out he didn't want to be my boyfriend. I immediately called Bud, crying, and asked him to take me back. He said no!
Abby, I can't eat or sleep and I don't go out with my friends anymore. Now Bud likes another girl, and I can't stand her! Please tell me what to do. -- DEPRESSED AND CONFUSED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR DEPRESSED: You've learned a valuable lesson at a young age: A Bud in the hand is worth two Burkes in the bush. Treasure what you have and learn from your mistakes.
DEAR ABBY: You might like to share my method of updating an address book: Last year I tore all the little return address labels from the holiday cards I received and pasted them in my address book.
It makes for a much neater look and guarantees the addresses are correct. It also eliminates scratch-outs and messy handwriting, because if an address changes, I simply paste the new label over the old.
Since I never miss your column and learn much from your readers, I thought I would return the favor. -- MARY FOLDEN, NAPERVILLE, ILL.
DEAR MARY: It's a clever idea -- and with the holidays approaching, certainly worth trying. Thanks for the suggestion.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Generosity of Strangers Is Sign of America's Strength
DEAR ABBY: I had searched all over the city of Los Angeles for an American flag for my car. Saturday afternoon, around 2:30, I stopped for a red light on Wilshire Boulevard. In the car next to mine were two young women who had a flag mounted outside their window. I lowered my window and asked where they got their flag. They said they had waited in line two hours to purchase two flags, and then the passenger reached into the back seat and handed me one.
I don't know their names. I do know that it is acts of patriotism like theirs that will keep this country strong and proud. Please print this so they'll know their kindness and generosity were appreciated. -- DR. DOROTHY NEUMAN, BEVERLY HILLS, CALIF.
DEAR DR. NEUMAN: I'm pleased to do it. Your benefactors deserve to be saluted. I have heard stories about opportunistic people who stormed flag stores and bought flags by the dozen, only to resell them at double or triple the usual price. Greed at the expense of patriotism is shameful. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am 12 years old and am concerned about how people are treating each other.
After the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, many people have been treating Muslims badly because they suspect that the people who were responsible came from the Middle East. That is not fair! We should not hurt people who probably were not even connected with these attacks. It's like saying one person killed someone, so their sister must have killed someone, too.
Please print this, Abby. In times like this the people in our country should join together, not tear each other apart. -- RACHAEL ERICKSON
DEAR RACHAEL: Well said. I am also concerned about reports of the scapegoating of Arab-Americans (both Christian and Muslim) and of brown-skinned people who happen to resemble them (for example, Hispanics, Indians and Southeast Asians). I hope your letter will make the guilty parties stop and rethink what they are doing. Such acts are a reflection of panic and ignorance, not patriotism. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your recent column about rape and the stigma that goes along with it got me to thinking. I was raped 19 years ago on Sept. 11. The violent acts of terrorism that occurred on Sept. 11, 2001, are much like being raped. It was not our fault. We were unable to see it coming. We couldn't stop it from happening. Americans lost their sense of security and became afraid. This is what happens to rape victims. Just like rape victims, Americans' lives have been forever changed. -- DOUBLE VICTIM IN INDIANA
DEAR DOUBLE VICTIM: Thank you for a thought-provoking letter. Our country has much to be proud of. Our people are united in a way we haven't been for 60 years, and we're receiving overwhelming support from the family of nations. These are challenging times, but America is at her best when faced with challenges.
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