Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HUSBAND'S DOUBLE LIFE ONLINE LEAVES WIFE FEELING BETRAYED
DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old woman who never thought she would be writing to you. I have been married 33 years. The past several years have not been the happiest.
I found out at the beginning of this year that, for the past several years, my husband has been talking online to gay men. He would be on the computer in our home office, supposedly working, while actually "instant messaging" someone. When I'd walk into the room, he would delete the instant message. This went on for several weeks.
I thought in the beginning that he was having an affair with a woman, so when he was gone one afternoon, I decided to log onto his laptop and investigate. That's when I found his "gay name" for himself, and lots of names on his buddy list. I wrote down all the names so I could look them up later.
For the next few months I followed him online. One time I even made up a gay name for myself, and he and I instant-messaged each other. I made copies of everything and finally confronted him.
He swore he never did anything but talk; he never met any of the men on his buddy list, or the ones he talked to online. However, when he and I messaged each other, he gave me the name of his hotel and the room number where he was staying. I asked him why. He said he was very unhappy in our marriage, because he didn't think I loved him anymore. He promised he would stop, and deleted everything from his computer. He even closed his private Internet access account and began using the one from our computer at home.
Today, while checking our e-mail, I found a message from a man on the buddy list saying he was sorry he missed my husband's call. I was going to delete it, but left it there to see what my husband would do. When I went back online, it had been deleted.
Abby, I don't know what to do. We should go to counseling, but he is rarely in town. -- BETRAYED WIFE IN TAMPA
DEAR BETRAYED: Make an appointment with your physician to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Although your husband is trying to blame his straying on you (the best defense is a good offense), do not accept it. While unhappily married men sometimes seek relationships outside of marriage, most of them do not do so with other men. Your husband is bisexual, and how long he has been cheating is anybody's guess.
You should definitely get professional counseling. If your husband cannot or will not get it with you, I urge you to go alone. It will help you to decide whether your marriage is worth continuing, knowing what you now know about your spouse.
DEAR ABBY: My mother and grandmother have been living with me and my two young daughters for the past couple of years. I think it's time they moved out, but whenever I bring it up, they just blow me off.
Abby, I need my life back. What can I do? If I throw them out, I'll be the family pariah -- even though nobody else is willing to take them in. I believe Mom and Grandma could live together on their own, but they refuse. Help! -- SMOTHERED IN MARYLAND
DEAR SMOTHERED: Set a deadline for them to relocate. Then find an affordable apartment for them and help them move. After that, change your locks and batten down the hatches, because you will receive criticism for having asserted yourself. Stand firm, and you'll be free at last.
Planning Helps Students Get Good Letter of Recommendation
DEAR ABBY: I must differ with something you stated in a recent column. For high school teachers and some counselors, being asked to write a letter of recommendation is not always a compliment. There are many students (and parents!) who think that teachers OWE them a letter. Around college application time, teachers are flooded with requests. The result is that teachers write generic letters that often have little bearing on the true abilities of the students, simply because of the volume of letters requested.
Students are not always thoughtful in making their requests, so please allow me to offer a few suggestions that will guarantee worthwhile teacher recommendations:
(1) Teachers are very busy. Don't leave your request for the last minute and expect it to be accommodated.
(2) Provide the teacher with all of the relevant information about your high school career, such as student activities, work experience, future plans for study and career, and why you're applying to a particular school.
(3) Provide a stamped, addressed envelope if the recommendation is to be mailed.
(4) Write a thank-you note to the teacher for taking valuable personal time to help you. This is good practice for job applications later on.
(5) Parents, this is your child's job, not yours. However, if a teacher has played a significant role in your child's life, a handwritten note from you is more precious than any "teacher-themed" trinket gift, and appropriate at any time of the year.
Most teachers want to see their students succeed. A little planning and good manners make all the difference. -- A POPULAR TEACHER, MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR POPULAR TEACHER: Your suggestions are excellent. I hope that students will take note of them and do some advance planning before asking their teachers for letters of recommendation. That way everyone will be a winner.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife and I divorced several years ago. After a three-year court fight, I was awarded custody of our two daughters. In spite of this, my ex and I are on friendly terms. I have remarried and have a stepchild. My ex had a baby by a man who is now locked up for two years in a drug rehab facility. She has just informed me that she's planning on moving in with another man and wanted me to know he is a registered sex offender. I looked it up on the Internet and learned he committed aggravated assault on a 10-year-old child.
Abby, I am concerned about sending my girls over to stay with their mother on weekends. I want to trust her judgment, but not at the risk of jeopardizing my children. I went to my mom for advice. All she could say was, "I know you will do the right thing."
I don't know what to do. I want my ex to be happy. Maybe this is the soul mate she's been looking for, but I can't help being concerned about my children's safety. What should I do? -- A DAD IN A DILEMMA
DEAR DAD: Your ex-wife told you about her boyfriend's criminal record to give you the opportunity to call the shots -- so do it. Since her taste in men is so poor, you must safeguard your daughters' welfare. Tell her for the children's safety, they will not be staying at her house.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter Cries for Father Who Didn't Want Her Born
DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 4-year-old daughter. I have raised her alone, with no help and no child support. The father has never seen her. I dated him for two years and broke up before I knew I was pregnant. He and his family tried desperately to convince me to abort, almost threatening me if I kept the baby.
Four years later, my little girl is now saying, "I don't have a daddy," and weeping about it. I tell her that God is her father and he's my father, too.
Abby, this guy is extremely volatile, spiritually weak, fickle and disrespectful. It took me a while to grasp all he was about, and when I did, I left.
My daughter has a great life, is very grounded, feels safe, has a one-home, one-church family and incredible grandparents. I do not want to disrupt her life by bringing a man into it who made it clear he wants no part of her, and who is not the role model I want for my child.
What's the next step regarding conversations with her, getting child support, etc.? -- SAD GIRL'S MOM
DEAR MOM: While I sympathize that your daughter doesn't have a father figure, based on your description of her father, you used sound judgment in ending your relationship. To reconnect with him now could lead to your daughter being rejected once again, not only by him, but by his family as well. You were also wise to forgo child support. If you demanded it, the father would be in her life, for better or worse.
In order to fulfill your child's need for a father figure, enlist the help of a male relative or longtime male friend to function as a surrogate father, or at least a part-time male presence in her life. Another option is to join a group for single parents so your daughter can see she's not the only child without a dad.
An appointment with a child psychologist to discuss what else may be causing your daughter to weep could also be helpful.
DEAR ABBY: The letter about taking food to families in mourning reminded me of a similar experience. After I had major surgery, some friends offered to bring lunch that we could share. They planned to stay and visit with me. I told them I wasn't up to socializing due to pain and discomfort. Two weeks later, they offered again. I thanked them, but declined for the same reason.
In the meantime, another friend called to say she wanted to drop off some meals she had prepared. She told my husband she would not stay, but that I could call her if I felt like talking.
My recuperation lasted longer than I anticipated, but she brought us more meals. You can imagine how we welcomed those homemade meals. I've told her many times over I'm forever grateful for her kindness.
This taught me a valuable lesson. I promised myself I would perform this same act of kindness in the future. When the first group of friends called for the third time, I hinted that I appreciated the home-cooked meals my other friend brought. Their answer: "We'll go out to lunch when you're better." -- A MORE COMPASSIONATE PERSON, SOMEWHERE IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR PERSON: Talk about a letter with an important message. Thank you for sharing this valuable lesson. Many can learn from it.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)