Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Decision to Give Up Daughter Brings Harsh Judgment to Mom
DEAR ABBY: I am 34 and a professional. Last summer, I placed my firstborn child in an adoptive home, something I thought long and hard about before doing.
In the last two jobs I've had, my female co-workers judged me harshly for this choice. Every day I had to endure comments about my decision, to the point I dreaded going to work. I quit one of these jobs, in part due to the stress it caused me. Now I'm in a new job, and I vowed I'd lie about my decision.
Unfortunately, lying has gotten me nowhere. Now my co-workers think I have custody of my child and wonder why I don't bring pictures or talk about her. I don't talk about her or bring pictures because I fear it will open up more questions, and I'll get caught in another lie.
I haven't forgiven myself for abandoning my daughter. I couldn't meet her financial, emotional, physical or mental needs -- and yet I feel a tremendous amount of guilt.
I am fortunate that this was an open adoption. I get e-mails, letters, pictures, cards and gifts from the adoptive parents on a regular basis, and we have a great relationship. As much as I want to be able to be honest with my friends at work, my fear has kept me from saying anything and has caused me even more stress.
Please advise me, Abby. I really need some feedback. -- TORMENTED IN TEXAS
DEAR TORMENTED: Please stop punishing yourself. Since you have already divulged that you have a daughter, a short explanation -- that you placed her where she could receive what you were unable to give her -- is in order. If the questions and comments do not stop, you may have to change jobs again.
If that's the case, don't sabotage your work environment. When you mention to your co-workers that you have a daughter, you invite questions. When you are asked if you have children, you wouldn't be lying to say no. (Her adoptive parents "have" her; you don't.)
Since you were unable to meet your daughter's needs, placing her with a family who is able to do so was an act of love. I commend you for loving her enough to allow others to give her what you could not.
Counseling will help you come to grips with your decision. Your physician can give you a referral. Please don't put it off.
DEAR ABBY: Speaking as a physician, I want you to know that the issues you raised in your recent (Dec. 14) column about the subject of babies, touching and germs are controversial.
Of course we should wash our hands, avoid sneezing in people's faces, and generally act as responsible social individuals. But remember, if you don't get your cold from Sally Sneezy, you'll probably get it from Peter Presymptomatic.
And if we overuse antibacterial products, we run the risk of generating resistance germs to replace the benign, helpful variety, in a fashion similar to overuse of antibiotics. (Fortunately, the public is finally beginning to accept the principles of responsible antibiotic usage.)
Finally, there is evidence that excessive protection of our kids from germs and other allergens may increase their risk of allergic problems and asthma. It may turn out that folks should, in fact, encourage family, friends and admiring strangers to touch their kids. -- GUY ANTHONY ROWLEY, M.D., M.P.H., CHICAGO
DEAR DR. ROWLEY: Perhaps. Since as you say, the topic is controversial, parents who are in doubt about it should consult with their pediatrician about the safest way to proceed.
Freeloading Couple Are Costly Burden for Frustrated Friends
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are friends with a couple who constantly weasel out of paying their share when we socialize with them. They're part of a large group we spend time with, as opposed to one-on-one. They have good jobs, new cars, and probably more in savings than all of us other couples combined.
This couple gets a kick out of telling us that they go to happy hour at local bars to fill up on free pretzels and popcorn so they don't have to buy dinner. They also brag that they attend parties so they can eat for free.
They tell us they don't like Chinese food, but when several couples are going out for Chinese, they insist on being included. When it's time to order, they share one order of fried rice and ask to "try" each of our dishes, which winds up being a full plate of food. When the bill arrives, they pay only for their one dish of fried rice. They even joke about the fact they had sampled everyone else's food, and laughingly ask if they should pay a part of everyone's order. Of course, no one takes them up on the sarcastic offer.
The Mrs. planned a surprise birthday party for the Mister at an expensive steakhouse. When the bill arrived, she initiated the breakdown of the bill by saying, "Now you don't really have to pay for us ..." Well, not only did we pay for the "birthday boy"; the birthday party was a free meal at an expensive steakhouse for both of them.
Last month we received an invitation to their house for a holiday party. The invitation read, "Bring your favorite hors d'oeuvres and beverages." When we got the invitation, all of us laughed, saying they're the only people who could have a party at their house that would cost them nothing!
Should we stop socializing with them? My husband and I think they're nice people, but no longer feel we can subject ourselves to the unnecessary frustration every time we see them. How would this affect our relationship with the other couples? -- ALWAYS SHELLING OUT IN ARIZONA
DEAR SHELLING OUT: Nice people? Those professional freeloaders have turned taking advantage of others into an art form. Before you allow yourselves to be taken advantage of again by Mr. and Mrs. Freebie, ask yourselves what you really have in common with them. I'm betting it's very little.
As for your relationships with the other couples in the group, I'm sure that at least some of them are as fed up with the Freebies as you are and would also like to do some socializing without them.
DEAR ABBY: Everyone needs a grandmother like ours. She was 86 years old when she passed away. She was in bed the last 15 years of her life, but always had a smile on her face.
She played board games with us, and every Christmas she made all of us something. She had 60 grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I am going to miss her.
She would tell us stories of her life and raising her daughters. Boy, what a life she had!
Please tell all grandchildren to enjoy their grandparents as long as possible. Thank you. -- WESTLEY (AGE 11), SUN VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR WESTLEY: What a warm and loving tribute to your grandmother. How proud she would be that you wrote about her. I hope your letter will provide an incentive to people of every age to reach out to relatives they love. They are God's gift to us, just as we are to them.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TAKING FOOD TO GRIEVING FAMILY IS NOT CUSTOMARY EVERYWHERE
DEAR ABBY: I would like to address funeral etiquette. I'm aware of how times have changed, but certain manners and traditions should continue.
When my parents died, generous friends and neighbors brought food to my family's home for all of us to share. They came and sat with us; we ate and shared comforting stories.
My husband died eight years ago. Again, I was blessed with neighbors and military friends bringing food and prepared meals.
Recently, a friend's father passed away. I knew I couldn't attend the funeral because they live thousands of miles away -- so I ordered a ham to be delivered to their home.
My friend and her family haven't stopped thanking me. I was later told that relatives arrived empty-handed. No one brought food, nor did they make an effort to go to a store to purchase any! They expected to be fed and waited on. I am so upset knowing these lazy relatives did nothing to help the widow and children.
It's terrible that people today don't think about the needs of the grieving family. -- UPSET IN OCEANSIDE, CALIF.
DEAR UPSET: Funeral traditions vary among religious and ethnic groups, not to mention geographic areas of the country. Sometimes it is expected that the family of the deceased will provide food for mourners who come to express their condolences. Sometimes fellow church members provide food. In many cases, food is brought to the grieving family by compassionate friends who realize there may be little time to prepare meals in the midst of funeral preparations.
However, your reminder is a good one. It expresses compassion and concern for people in their time of sorrow. Better to have too much comfort food on hand than too little.
DEAR ABBY: When my nieces were small, their young mother couldn't care for them. She left them with their grandmother for a number of years while she prepared to be a full-time mom. My husband and I developed a close relationship with the girls while they lived with Grandma. Today, the girls live with their mommy and her new, and very kind, husband.
Unfortunately, Mommy is a chronic -- if not pathological -- liar. Every time we chat with the girls, they innocently repeat another of their mother's outrageous lies. Normally I say nothing. But the other day, "Sheila," the younger girl, told me she was mad at Grandma for having taken Mommy to court to get custody of them. I told Sheila she was mistaken; Grandma never took Mommy to court. But Sheila insisted it was true, because Mommy said so. It's not the first time Mommy has told the kids a story that makes Grandma look like "the bad guy."
My husband says the kids will eventually catch on to Mommy's lying, and I should keep quiet. However, I hate to let the kids believe this hateful lie and remain angry with Grandma. She is elderly and may not be around by the time the truth comes out.
What should I say or do when the girls talk about "the custody battle" or any other lies making Grandma look bad? -- BITING MY TONGUE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BITING: Don't pit the children against their mother, but do correct them by explaining that Mommy is "mistaken."
Later, when they find out that Mommy can't be trusted, they will know they can talk to you when they need to hear the truth.
P.S. Consider talking privately with their mother and explaining how hurtful and destructive her remarks are to family unity. If she's having trouble handling her guilt for past behavior, she should consult a professional rather than lie to her children.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)