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TAKING FOOD TO GRIEVING FAMILY IS NOT CUSTOMARY EVERYWHERE
DEAR ABBY: I would like to address funeral etiquette. I'm aware of how times have changed, but certain manners and traditions should continue.
When my parents died, generous friends and neighbors brought food to my family's home for all of us to share. They came and sat with us; we ate and shared comforting stories.
My husband died eight years ago. Again, I was blessed with neighbors and military friends bringing food and prepared meals.
Recently, a friend's father passed away. I knew I couldn't attend the funeral because they live thousands of miles away -- so I ordered a ham to be delivered to their home.
My friend and her family haven't stopped thanking me. I was later told that relatives arrived empty-handed. No one brought food, nor did they make an effort to go to a store to purchase any! They expected to be fed and waited on. I am so upset knowing these lazy relatives did nothing to help the widow and children.
It's terrible that people today don't think about the needs of the grieving family. -- UPSET IN OCEANSIDE, CALIF.
DEAR UPSET: Funeral traditions vary among religious and ethnic groups, not to mention geographic areas of the country. Sometimes it is expected that the family of the deceased will provide food for mourners who come to express their condolences. Sometimes fellow church members provide food. In many cases, food is brought to the grieving family by compassionate friends who realize there may be little time to prepare meals in the midst of funeral preparations.
However, your reminder is a good one. It expresses compassion and concern for people in their time of sorrow. Better to have too much comfort food on hand than too little.
DEAR ABBY: When my nieces were small, their young mother couldn't care for them. She left them with their grandmother for a number of years while she prepared to be a full-time mom. My husband and I developed a close relationship with the girls while they lived with Grandma. Today, the girls live with their mommy and her new, and very kind, husband.
Unfortunately, Mommy is a chronic -- if not pathological -- liar. Every time we chat with the girls, they innocently repeat another of their mother's outrageous lies. Normally I say nothing. But the other day, "Sheila," the younger girl, told me she was mad at Grandma for having taken Mommy to court to get custody of them. I told Sheila she was mistaken; Grandma never took Mommy to court. But Sheila insisted it was true, because Mommy said so. It's not the first time Mommy has told the kids a story that makes Grandma look like "the bad guy."
My husband says the kids will eventually catch on to Mommy's lying, and I should keep quiet. However, I hate to let the kids believe this hateful lie and remain angry with Grandma. She is elderly and may not be around by the time the truth comes out.
What should I say or do when the girls talk about "the custody battle" or any other lies making Grandma look bad? -- BITING MY TONGUE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BITING: Don't pit the children against their mother, but do correct them by explaining that Mommy is "mistaken."
Later, when they find out that Mommy can't be trusted, they will know they can talk to you when they need to hear the truth.
P.S. Consider talking privately with their mother and explaining how hurtful and destructive her remarks are to family unity. If she's having trouble handling her guilt for past behavior, she should consult a professional rather than lie to her children.
WIDOWER DAD APPEARS TO BE SHIFTING HIS FAMILY ALLEGIANCE
DEAR ABBY: Six years ago my mother died. A year after that, our father met a lady, "Alice," who made him very happy. My sister and I loved her from the start; our brother did not. Father has been engaged to this lovely lady for three years with our blessing.
Our brother decided that Dad had no right to happiness and has disowned the family over "that woman." We have all accepted our brother's decision not to be a part of the family.
The problem is, as time has gone on, our father spends less and less time with his children and grandchildren -- who all live in the same town -- and more and more time with her children and grandchildren. Dad now knows her granddaughter better than his own great-grandchildren.
During the past two years, he has spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas with her children. Dad and Alice show up to spend an hour or two with our side of the family for these holidays, and then leave for her children's home to celebrate. We had mentioned very early in the year that our family would like them to join us for at least one of the holiday dinners.
In short, this is my and my sister's dilemma: We lost our mother, we have lost our brother, and now we feel we are losing our father. We don't know how to broach the subject without causing hard feelings on the part of Dad's fiancee. We do love Alice; she has made our dad very happy. But this is beginning to cause resentment from my sister, our children, grandchildren and me.
How do we get them to understand that they need to give our family equal time without causing a rift? We love both Dad and Alice, and don't want our family splintered any more than it is. -- FAMILY TIES, TUCSON, ARIZ.
DEAR FAMILY TIES: I think you've said it very well. Tell your dad and his fiancee exactly what you have told me. (If you feel unable to honestly express your feelings, then clip this column and give it to them.) You and your sister are not asking too much. In fairness to all concerned, an adjustment needs to be made.
Invite Alice's family to join your family for one, warm, blended family event. Life is too short to feel resentful.
DEAR ABBY: I can top "Mystified in Fort Worth," who was shocked at an offering basket put out to defray the cost of an anniversary party.
Last year, a neighbor went door-to-door inviting people to a "Millennium New Year's Eve party." She and her husband were charging $230 per couple. She said that was a fair price to ask, since it was less than some of the fancy hotels were charging for a New Year's Eve party.
As it turned out, they had a dozen guests or so, some inexpensive entertainment and decor, and a catered meal. But nothing could top the look on those paying "guests'" faces when in walked a bride and groom -- and those poor souls realized they had been duped into paying for a wedding reception for the host's son! While it's the rudest thing I've ever heard of, it's so outrageous we're still laughing about it. I swear this is a true story. -- ALMOST SCAMMED IN SCOTTSDALE
DEAR SCAMMED: Your letter qualifies for Ripley's Believe It or Not. I applaud you for laughing at the outrageous situation.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Canceled Wedding Raises Question of Returning Gifts
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine just canceled her wedding that was to take place a month from now. We already had an engagement party and a bridal shower for her.
I assumed since the wedding was canceled, the gifts would be returned. Instead, my friend asked me how much I spent so she could reimburse me, because she likes my gift too much to return it. She further stated that members of her family had refused to take back their gifts when asked. I was too shocked to respond to her question.
How should I have answered her question about how much I spent for her gift? (By the way, she was engaged once before but canceled the wedding before the shower.)
The gifts from the engagement party were never returned -- so now I have given two engagement gifts and a shower gift to someone who never got married.
Which leads to another question -- should she ever become engaged again, must I give her a third gift? -- CONFUSED IN WEST CALDWELL, N.J.
DEAR CONFUSED: Since you have already given two engagement gifts and a shower gift, I see no reason why you should feel obligated to give again should your friend get in the way of cupid's arrow. Tell her exactly how much you spent for the wedding gift she's keeping so she can reimburse you for the expense. She's trying to do the right thing and shouldn't be criticized for it.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Not Very Graceful in Provo, Utah," who asked how women in high heels could walk so gracefully.
When I went through modeling school in the 1950s, we were taught to walk in high heels by:
(1) Placing the toe area down first, followed very quickly by the heel, so the whole foot was down at the same time.
(2) Walking with knees slightly flexed.
(3) Pulling our ribs "out of the abdomen" (figuratively speaking) without doing anything special with the shoulders, not to lean back, and most important, standing up straight.
If she follows these instructions, she will walk smoothly. Balancing a book on top of the head can be added later. I'm sure models are still taught these techniques. -- DEIRDRE MADDEN, MEDINA, OHIO
DEAR DEIRDRE: May I be frank? Thank you for the input, but it seems like a lot to remember just to make it from point A to point B. I also heard from a foot specialist who asked me to remind women that more important than walking gracefully in high heels is to wear shoes that fit properly. An entire industry (bunion removal) was spawned by the popularity of ill-fitting, spike-heeled shoes.
DEAR ABBY: My mother recently passed away. I have been receiving fruit baskets, flowers, Mass cards and sympathy cards from my friends, co-workers and family.
I realize that I must send thank-you notes for baskets, flowers and Mass cards. Is it also necessary to send a note back if someone sent me a printed card with their signature or a printed card with a written note to me? -- MOURNING IN WORCESTER, MASS.
DEAR MOURNING: I would. Everyone who has made the effort to reach out to you in your time of sorrow should be acknowledged.
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