What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
LIVING TOGETHER IS NOT A SIN FOR SENIORS SHARING EXPENSES
DEAR ABBY: I just had to write after reading the letter from the lady who signed herself, "Tired of All This Misbehaving."
I am 80, and I found her remarks offensive. When I was retired by my employer, I couldn't manage on my Social Security check. I tried to find another job, but no one wanted to hire me at my age.
A male acquaintance retired soon after, and realized that he, too, didn't have the funds to keep his apartment. I had a five-bedroom townhouse, and thought of renting out some rooms. However, a lawyer friend told me that if I advertised for roomers I would have to rent to anyone who had the money; I could not pick and choose. I was afraid to do that because I would continue to live there, too.
So I invited this man, who was a trusted neighbor, to share my home and expenses. This way we both could live in comfort, and it would cost us less money. We go shopping and attend church together. We also visit friends who are now in nursing homes. We have never slept together or had sex.
I know of other seniors who have similar arrangements so they can live decently and not go broke in the bargain. Recently, another senior male has joined us. We share expenses and household chores so it's easier on all of us. We get along like a family of sisters and brothers. Marrying just so outsiders won't criticize one's living arrangement is not always the right thing to do.
Please print this, Abby. I want people to know that it isn't always "living in sin" or "shacking up" as that lady thinks. –- AN ABBY FAN IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR FAN: I'm please to print your letter. As I said to the woman whose letter prompted yours, "Seniors who live together choose to do so for a variety of reasons, which are usually well thought out." People should not judge others.
DEAR ABBY: My fiancee is having financial problems. I want to help her, but she insists that I shouldn't because she'll be mad at me. I really want to help her. I don't like to see her struggle, and I have the money to do it -– plus, we're being married soon, so what's the big deal? What should I do? –- IN LOVE IN FLORIDA
DEAR IN LOVE: Don't force your help on your fiancee after she has refused it. This could be an important learning experience for her, and it's a chance for you to see her level of ingenuity and perseverance. I respect her stance and for not taking the easy way out. For the time being, be patient and keep your checkbook closed.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend whose husband tries to scare his 2-year-old child by jumping out of closets, from behind trees, etc.
I have seen the child tremble, cry and turn pale. The man thinks it is a "fun time" with his child.
What do you think of his behavior? He will see your answer. -– CONCERNED IN PHOENIX
DEAR CONCERNED: I hope you'll make sure he sees it. There is nothing "fun" about traumatizing a child. The father is sadistic, and he should consult with a psychotherapist to understand why he gets pleasure out of his child's pain, and to learn firsthand how damaging his "scare tactics" are.
If he refuses to stop, he should be reported to Children's Protective Services.
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired 80-year-old general surgeon. I am writing because I disagree with your response to "Grieving in L.A.," whose friend died of cancer and was never told that she was terminally ill. The writer felt guilty.
The greatest factor in living, and in recovery from any illness or injury, is the patient's determination to live and recover. It is more important by far than the best of medical advice, supervision and treatment. To destroy hope is to seed defeat. The focus at home and in the professional environment should be directed at encouragement and a positive attitude. Any emphasis on "you are going to die" is, therefore, totally counterproductive. -- EUGENE S. KILGORE JR., M.D., TIBURON, CALIF.
DEAR DR. KILGORE: Intelligent minds can differ. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Before my first wife died of cancer in 1960, her doctor called me into his office. He said he would tell her all the facts and how much time she had left. I told him it was my responsibility. The doctor said it was her right -- that she might want to say something to the family or have something done. He was right! When I gave her the facts, she told me to get our minister, as she wanted to be baptized.
Abby, my wife literally got out of her deathbed to be baptized at the hospital.
Every person who is dying has the right to know. I have never regretted doing what I did. Please tell your readers who are wrestling with this question not to hold back the truth. -- L.L. IN FORT SMITH, ARK.
DEAR L.L.: You have made a compelling argument. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My husband was diagnosed with cancer early last year. Throughout his treatment, we were given optimistic scenarios which, one by one, proved to be unfounded. I pleaded with the doctors, hospital personnel and visiting nurses to give me honest answers about his chances for recovery. No one would.
My greatest sorrow is that we were never given the opportunity to properly say goodbye. There was much I wanted to say, and advice I needed to hear. The end came suddenly from cardiac arrest.
PLEASE TELL HEALTH CARE PERSONNEL TO TELL THE TRUTH WHEN PATIENTS OR FAMILY ASK FOR IT. Some people may not want to hear it -- that's their choice -- but when others seriously ask for it, please respond realistically. Had we been given honest answers, we could have expressed our heartfelt farewells, then enjoyed each remaining day as it came. -- GRIEVING IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR GRIEVING: My heart goes out to you. This is a question for which there is no one right answer. A Washington reader wrote that she and her husband joined a cancer support group. During one session, a surgeon asked if they would want to be told if they were terminal. To her surprise, all the patients said, "No."
Another reader's mother asked her, "Am I dying?" She replied: "I don't know. But let's do whatever we need to do as if you were. Let's talk and share; then if you don't die, we'll be all the richer." When her mother died two years later, her father said, "These were the happiest sad moments of my life." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My message is for "Grieving in L.A.": You are going over in your mind (and heart) a thousand ways you could have handled your dear friend's pre-death days. Please stop beating yourself up. Hindsight is always 20/20. You were between the proverbial "rock and a hard place." You were handling the end of you and your friend's relationship from the perspective of her husband's wishes, her mother's and her doctor's. Obviously, you were the best friend your friend could ever have had. It sounds to me like you did an exemplary job of juggling a difficult life situation. Your letter brought back a thousand memories. -- BEEN THERE IN FAIRFIELD, IDAHO
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Grandfather Tunes Into Life Thanks to New Hearing Aid
DEAR ABBY: We recently moved back to Texas to be closer to my parents, allowing me to spend some wonderful time with my 88-year-old grandfather. My letter is for all people who wear hearing aids. He has just returned with his digital hearing aid, and it is like he is alive again!
He tried many different kinds, and actually had a shoebox he threw them into when they didn't work. So far, this one has done the trick. He hears everything without having to adjust the volume. It doesn't pick up the background noise that he has always complained about.
He went running into the kitchen because he thought he heard the washing machine making a funny noise. It was actually the refrigerator motor. He said he hasn't heard that humming noise in years! He also told me he hears traffic noises he hasn't heard in quite some time. (A good thing!)
Please tell your readers not to throw away their old hearing aids because there are organizations that will take them. Doctors use them for children in poor countries. And please, Abby, urge anyone who has difficulty hearing not to be embarrassed to have their hearing checked. It could be the beginning of a whole new life. -- SUSAN IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR SUSAN: Hear, hear! An estimated 20 million Americans suffer from some kind of hearing loss. I was once told about a sign hanging in an audiologist's office: "Your hearing loss is far more obvious to everyone else than your hearing aid will be."
Anyone with a hearing aid to donate should contact HEAR NOW, a national nonprofit organization that provides hearing aids to people with limited financial means. The hearing aids should be mailed in a small box or padded envelope to: HEAR NOW, 4248 Park Glen Road, Minneapolis, MN 55416. The contribution is tax deductible, so please include a self-addressed, stamped envelope for your receipt for tax purposes.
DEAR ABBY: What makes you think that the wife who is "visiting" her friends at 2 a.m. might be hanging out with a colony of bats? No self-respecting bat is home at that time. During the night hours, they are hard at work ridding the world of hundreds of billions of bugs or pollinating millions of plants and trees.
Unlike some unhappy humans, bats don't have the luxury of too much time on their hands. A bat mom likes nothing so much as hanging out with her baby and all her other bat mom friends and their babies. There's no time for bat hanky-panky.
Please, Abby. Our friends the bats don't need more bad publicity, or to have their reputation endlessly maligned. Humans must realize that their fear of bats stems from ignorance. Instead of posing a threat, bats are highly beneficial to humans. The reality is that less than one person a year in the United States dies from bat rabies. That's minuscule compared to the number who die from bee stings, bicycle accidents, lightning strikes, drowning while swimming or spousal abuse.
I recommend bat education for all. -- BAT ADVOCATE IN SEATTLE
DEAR BAT ADVOCATE: (Now here's a topic we can sink our teeth into.) I respect your going to bat for your furry flying friends; however, when I questioned whether the wife was hanging out with a colony of bats, I was alluding to the fact that they are nocturnal creatures. I was not implying that they were promiscuous or poor mothers. Personally, I've never met a bat I haven't liked. If you were offended, please forgive me.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)