To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired 80-year-old general surgeon. I am writing because I disagree with your response to "Grieving in L.A.," whose friend died of cancer and was never told that she was terminally ill. The writer felt guilty.
The greatest factor in living, and in recovery from any illness or injury, is the patient's determination to live and recover. It is more important by far than the best of medical advice, supervision and treatment. To destroy hope is to seed defeat. The focus at home and in the professional environment should be directed at encouragement and a positive attitude. Any emphasis on "you are going to die" is, therefore, totally counterproductive. -- EUGENE S. KILGORE JR., M.D., TIBURON, CALIF.
DEAR DR. KILGORE: Intelligent minds can differ. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Before my first wife died of cancer in 1960, her doctor called me into his office. He said he would tell her all the facts and how much time she had left. I told him it was my responsibility. The doctor said it was her right -- that she might want to say something to the family or have something done. He was right! When I gave her the facts, she told me to get our minister, as she wanted to be baptized.
Abby, my wife literally got out of her deathbed to be baptized at the hospital.
Every person who is dying has the right to know. I have never regretted doing what I did. Please tell your readers who are wrestling with this question not to hold back the truth. -- L.L. IN FORT SMITH, ARK.
DEAR L.L.: You have made a compelling argument. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My husband was diagnosed with cancer early last year. Throughout his treatment, we were given optimistic scenarios which, one by one, proved to be unfounded. I pleaded with the doctors, hospital personnel and visiting nurses to give me honest answers about his chances for recovery. No one would.
My greatest sorrow is that we were never given the opportunity to properly say goodbye. There was much I wanted to say, and advice I needed to hear. The end came suddenly from cardiac arrest.
PLEASE TELL HEALTH CARE PERSONNEL TO TELL THE TRUTH WHEN PATIENTS OR FAMILY ASK FOR IT. Some people may not want to hear it -- that's their choice -- but when others seriously ask for it, please respond realistically. Had we been given honest answers, we could have expressed our heartfelt farewells, then enjoyed each remaining day as it came. -- GRIEVING IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR GRIEVING: My heart goes out to you. This is a question for which there is no one right answer. A Washington reader wrote that she and her husband joined a cancer support group. During one session, a surgeon asked if they would want to be told if they were terminal. To her surprise, all the patients said, "No."
Another reader's mother asked her, "Am I dying?" She replied: "I don't know. But let's do whatever we need to do as if you were. Let's talk and share; then if you don't die, we'll be all the richer." When her mother died two years later, her father said, "These were the happiest sad moments of my life." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My message is for "Grieving in L.A.": You are going over in your mind (and heart) a thousand ways you could have handled your dear friend's pre-death days. Please stop beating yourself up. Hindsight is always 20/20. You were between the proverbial "rock and a hard place." You were handling the end of you and your friend's relationship from the perspective of her husband's wishes, her mother's and her doctor's. Obviously, you were the best friend your friend could ever have had. It sounds to me like you did an exemplary job of juggling a difficult life situation. Your letter brought back a thousand memories. -- BEEN THERE IN FAIRFIELD, IDAHO
Grandfather Tunes Into Life Thanks to New Hearing Aid
DEAR ABBY: We recently moved back to Texas to be closer to my parents, allowing me to spend some wonderful time with my 88-year-old grandfather. My letter is for all people who wear hearing aids. He has just returned with his digital hearing aid, and it is like he is alive again!
He tried many different kinds, and actually had a shoebox he threw them into when they didn't work. So far, this one has done the trick. He hears everything without having to adjust the volume. It doesn't pick up the background noise that he has always complained about.
He went running into the kitchen because he thought he heard the washing machine making a funny noise. It was actually the refrigerator motor. He said he hasn't heard that humming noise in years! He also told me he hears traffic noises he hasn't heard in quite some time. (A good thing!)
Please tell your readers not to throw away their old hearing aids because there are organizations that will take them. Doctors use them for children in poor countries. And please, Abby, urge anyone who has difficulty hearing not to be embarrassed to have their hearing checked. It could be the beginning of a whole new life. -- SUSAN IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR SUSAN: Hear, hear! An estimated 20 million Americans suffer from some kind of hearing loss. I was once told about a sign hanging in an audiologist's office: "Your hearing loss is far more obvious to everyone else than your hearing aid will be."
Anyone with a hearing aid to donate should contact HEAR NOW, a national nonprofit organization that provides hearing aids to people with limited financial means. The hearing aids should be mailed in a small box or padded envelope to: HEAR NOW, 4248 Park Glen Road, Minneapolis, MN 55416. The contribution is tax deductible, so please include a self-addressed, stamped envelope for your receipt for tax purposes.
DEAR ABBY: What makes you think that the wife who is "visiting" her friends at 2 a.m. might be hanging out with a colony of bats? No self-respecting bat is home at that time. During the night hours, they are hard at work ridding the world of hundreds of billions of bugs or pollinating millions of plants and trees.
Unlike some unhappy humans, bats don't have the luxury of too much time on their hands. A bat mom likes nothing so much as hanging out with her baby and all her other bat mom friends and their babies. There's no time for bat hanky-panky.
Please, Abby. Our friends the bats don't need more bad publicity, or to have their reputation endlessly maligned. Humans must realize that their fear of bats stems from ignorance. Instead of posing a threat, bats are highly beneficial to humans. The reality is that less than one person a year in the United States dies from bat rabies. That's minuscule compared to the number who die from bee stings, bicycle accidents, lightning strikes, drowning while swimming or spousal abuse.
I recommend bat education for all. -- BAT ADVOCATE IN SEATTLE
DEAR BAT ADVOCATE: (Now here's a topic we can sink our teeth into.) I respect your going to bat for your furry flying friends; however, when I questioned whether the wife was hanging out with a colony of bats, I was alluding to the fact that they are nocturnal creatures. I was not implying that they were promiscuous or poor mothers. Personally, I've never met a bat I haven't liked. If you were offended, please forgive me.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 55 and retired. My husband, "Mark," is 60 and an alcoholic. I want him to read this letter in your column.
I've gone through hell putting up with his alcoholism. He falls asleep with a cigarette still burning between his fingers. He uses the stove, forgets about it, and falls asleep. He talks to himself. I believe he has three personalities: the friendly talker; the one who "shuts down" and is angry at the world; and the rude, obnoxious person who emotionally abuses me.
Mark's famous words are, "I have never hit you." Physically, no -- but mentally I am beaten regularly.
We have no social life because he has to drink before we go anywhere -- so I don't accept invitations. When he's not working, he drinks 95 percent of the time. Within the last two years, he's had two DUI citations (driving under the influence), so either I or one of our three children must provide his transportation to and from work.
All three kids say I should leave him. They love their father, but do not enjoy being around him. Mark has one brother, but they don't talk because of Mark's drinking. Besides the children and me, Mark has no one else.
He refuses to go for treatment. He promises to stop drinking, but doesn't. If he isn't in bed, I can't sleep at night because I'm afraid he'll burn the house down.
I want Mark and other alcoholics to know that besides complicating their own lives, they are ruining the lives of all the people around them.
I have concluded that I would be happier and have more peace of mind living alone in a trailer than in my house with an alcoholic. -- SEEKING PEACE IN MISSOURI
DEAR SEEKING PEACE: First, contact Al-Anon. They offer information and emotional support to family and friends of alcoholics. Call 1-800-344-2666 for meeting information, 1-800-356-9996 for introductory literature. Their Web site is www.al-anon.org.
Second, listen to your children. They have your best interests at heart.
Third, speak to an attorney and ask for a trial separation. The attorney will protect your financial interests.
Fourth, ask your husband to leave. You must stay in your home to protect it from fire.
This may appear to be a drastic solution, but it's the only way to get his attention and find peace of mind. Don't feel guilty. You deserve to be happy, respected and safe.
DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend, who is 36. My problem is he's experiencing problems having sex with me. He says he loves me too much to be able to have sex. He says he almost thinks of me as a child. He also told me that the best sex he's ever had was with someone he always argued with. Is this normal? -- SEXLESS IN EDMONTON
DEAR SEXLESS: Some people find conflict to be a turn-on. This may be normal for him -- but it isn't for you. I would be concerned about being with a man who thinks of you as "a child" and not as a mature woman. You have the right to a healthy, intimate relationship.
The two of you might benefit from couples counseling. It will give you more insight into this man. It will also give you the opportunity to express what you expect from each other, and what you want for yourselves. I wish you luck.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)