What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughters' Hanging of Posters Causes Dad to Climb the Walls
DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughters like to decorate their room with lots of posters and whatnots. The girls hang them using thumbtacks and constantly rearrange them. As a result, their walls are full of tiny holes. I don't mind their hanging one or two posters, but the number they hang (and move from place to place) is destructive and shows little respect for our home.
My wife disagrees. She is right when she says we can repair the walls when the girls are older, but I feel we are not teaching them discipline by allowing them to be so destructive. My wife is angry that I won't let this go.
Abby, if the girls refuse to respect my decision on the number of posters they can hang in their room, it makes it difficult for me to respect their decisions. Should I just shut up and allow them to hang and move their posters as they please? -- TICKED OFF IN LOUISIANA
DEAR TICKED OFF: Posters are important to young people. These "interior design statements" are part of growing up. It has nothing to do with a lack of respect for you.
Look at it this way: The holes in the wall can be easily repaired when the girls outgrow this phase -- as they will eventually. It's harder to "repair" an overly strict relationship. Loosen up, Dad, and don't sweat the small stuff.
DEAR ABBY: About two years ago, I received a letter from a woman incarcerated in a California state prison. To make a long story short, I ended up sending her stationery, envelopes, stamps and many money orders -- one for more than $600.
She told me she had no family and needed a place to live after she was paroled. Well, I took the bait, hook, line and sinker, and "helped" her for more than 18 months.
I'm 43 years old and thought I had finally found my future mate. Her letters seemed sweet and sincere. I felt sorry for her. She even sent me a document that looked genuine showing her "release date."
All of it was a lie. I'm sick to my stomach, not only because of the amount of money I sent her, but because I was hurt by someone I thought I could trust.
A few months ago I received the same story in a letter from a woman inmate in a Texas prison. Do you think these prisoners are passing my name around? Also, is there any way I can get my money back? -- FEELING USED IN UTAH
DEAR FEELING USED: Write the wardens at both prisons, giving the names of the women who have contacted you. Prison officials should be aware that some inmates are committing still more crimes via the U.S. mail. As for the money you lost, you have learned an expensive lesson; consider it tuition in the school of experience.
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago I had an affair with a handsome, intelligent man who turned out to be too good to be true. I discovered he had fabricated most of the information he gave me about himself, including his marital status and name.
I gave birth to his son out of wedlock. This man supports our child financially, but does not see him. This is his choice, not mine.
Abby, my question is this: Does my precious little boy deserve to go through life as a secret to his father's entire family, or do his grandparents on his father's side deserve to know of their grandchild?
My feeling is that if I were a grandparent in the autumn of my life, I would want to know this child, see him and love him. Please ask your readers to respond. Thank you for any insights. -- PROUD MOM
DEAR PROUD MOM: Instinct tells me I will get strong opinions on both sides of this important question. Readers?
Daughters in Law Need Their Own Set of Commandments Too
DEAR ABBY: I read the "Ten Commandments for Mothers-in-Law" in your column. It implies that if the relationship is troubled, the fault is hers. However, relationships are a two-way street.
My son -- a "rescuer" -- married an insecure, controlling young woman. She is threatened by any participation on our part in their lives. Our son seems happy in his marriage, so we are getting on with our own lives without involvement with them or our grandchildren. A tragedy? Yes. One we can fix from our end? No. (Ironically, I scored high on your "Commandments for Mothers-in-Law.")
Adult children also bear a responsibility for making the relationship a success. To all daughters-in-law and sons-in-law who read the "Ten Commandments for Mothers-in-Law" and said, "Amen!" I offer this slightly modified version:
TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
1. Thou shalt love, honor and respect your mother-in-law and father-in-law.
2. Thou shalt allow them complete independence.
3. Thou shalt speak only kindly and loyally about them.
4. Thou shalt not find fault.
5. Thou shalt not visit them too frequently, and never enter their home without knocking.
6. Thou shalt say thank you when they do something nice for you or your children.
7. Thou shalt not give them advice unless requested.
8. Thou shalt not deny them access to their grandchildren as a bargaining chip to get what you want.
9. Thou shalt respect their taste in home decorating, though it differs from your own.
10. Thou shalt petition the Heavenly Father, in whose love they abide, for their happiness.
I would also suggest that daughters-in-law remember that they are providing their children with a blueprint for how they themselves should be treated one day in the future when they become mothers-in-law.
Please print this, Abby. I know I speak for tens of thousands of mothers-in-law who will read this and say, "Amen!" -- DISAPPOINTED MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Touche! I'm with you all the way.
DEAR ABBY: I have a question regarding the proper way to pay someone back when they "pick something up" for you. In many cases when someone says, "I'm going to the store; would you like anything?" they come back from the store and won't accept any money.
We always intend to repay these people for the products they purchase. I've even tried stuffing the money into purses or diaper bags, but they always find it before they leave or just plain won't accept it.
Any suggestions? -- INDEBTED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR INDEBTED: Yes. Take a moment to consider if there is something special you might do for these "angels." Consider knitting something for their baby, embroidering some tea towels or guest towels, or preparing homemade pastries or candy from a family recipe. Because it's something you made yourself, the gift would be doubly meaningful.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Son Fails to Make Good His Promise of Payment to Mom
DEAR ABBY: My son and daughter-in-law asked me to baby-sit my new grandson when she returned to work three days a week. They also told me they wouldn't "let me" unless I agreed to accept $10 an hour. My son is very successful and makes more than $100,000 a year. They know I have few opportunities to earn spending money.
My son returned from work at the end of my first day of baby sitting and didn't pay me, so I went home. Later, I ran into my daughter-in-law at the market, and she asked if my son had paid me. I said, "No," but since they were coming over for dinner on Saturday night, I told her they could pay me then. We had dinner Saturday night and neither one of them paid me. (They are very forgetful people.)
Should I ask them for my money? My husband says if they aren't going to pay me, I will have to find other part-time work if I want my own spending money. -- GEORGIA GRANDMA
DEAR GRANDMA: There's no harm in reminding your son and daughter-in-law if they forget to pay you. Raise the subject of the money by asking them whether you should submit a weekly invoice for their tax purposes. Then agree on a payment schedule so all three of you have a clear understanding about how often you should expect to be paid.
DEAR ABBY: Both my husband and our 12-year-old daughter are stutterers. We recently discovered an organization that has helped them enormously, and I would like to share it with your readers: The National Stuttering Association (NSA), a self-help organization for people who stutter, provides literature for parents of children who stutter and, in addition, a video for children.
After years of difficult times at school, our daughter had poor self-esteem. Through NSA, we were able to learn about the various speech therapies that are available, and our daughter is in an excellent therapy program near our home. Her self-esteem has now improved.
My husband has also gained confidence by attending NSA meetings (there are chapters all across the country). NSA has helped him realize that there are other people out there just like him, so he is not alone.
Please tell your readers about NSA so other families like mine can be helped. -- GRATEFUL WIFE AND MOTHER
DEAR GRATEFUL: With pleasure. Thank you for sharing your family's success story. The National Stuttering Association can be reached at (800) 364-1677. The address is 5100 E. LaPalma Ave., Suite 208, Anaheim Hills, CA 92807. The Web site is: www.nsastutter.org. The e-mail is: nsastutter(at)aol.com.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to add this "tragic" experience to your "You know you're getting old when ..." collection. (Yes, it happened to me!)
You know you're getting old when your son greets you by saying, "Hi, Mom. I just joined AARP!" -- FEELING OLD IN ARKANSAS
DEAR FEELING OLD: Don't let it get to you. I hear they're taking 'em younger and younger.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)