To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Confession Is Good for Soul, but Not for Future Marriage
DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, I met a man through a mutual friend. We've been inseparable since our first lunch date. A month later he said he had a "confession." I thought, "Wow, so do I ...!"
He told me he was still married. I thought, "What a relief, so am I!"
I recently finalized my divorce, but to this day, he is still married. He says he is having all kinds of problems with his wife. It has reached the point where I can't take it any longer. I've gotten involved in his mess, and it's driving me away from the man I love with all my heart.
I know I should have waited until his divorce was final, but he assured me that it would be over "soon." Well, that was four months ago. What should I do? -- DISENCHANTED IN DALLAS
DEAR DISENCHANTED: It's time to disengage. Four months could easily turn into four years -- or even decades. This relationship was conceived in dishonesty. As much as you may think you love him, he is not a free (or honorable) man. Run as if your life depended on it.
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is being married soon. She and her fiance are vegetarians, and they are insisting on having a strictly vegetarian buffet at their reception.
Her father and I feel that it's improper to literally force their dietary beliefs down the throats of the wedding guests. Since we are splitting the cost of the wedding with them, we feel we should have a say in the selection of the food.
This situation has caused some bad feelings on both sides and has put a damper on an otherwise happy occasion.
What do you suggest we do? -- GOING MEATLESS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR GOING MEATLESS: I suggest you put aside your preconceptions and take your lead from your daughter and future son-in-law. A vegetarian buffet can be filled with rich and satisfying food. Your guests won't feel deprived.
P.S. My congratulations to you all.
DEAR ABBY: In "Doyleston, Pa.'s" letter about depression, she said, "I'm constantly alert so that I keep my depressive tendencies under control." This is so true! Those of us who have been there and were able to regain control of our lives know what this means.
The group that helped me to find the tools I needed to accomplish this goal is called Recovery Inc. It is one of the best-kept secrets for mental health insurance. We are always trying to get the word out to health-care professionals and to potential members who would benefit from attending our group meetings.
Please pass the word along and feel free to use my name. Recovery meetings are held throughout the United States and many other countries. -- GENEVA KOEBEL, WOODLAND, CALIF.
DEAR GENEVA: I have mentioned Recovery Inc. before, and I'm pleased to do it again. Recovery is not a substitute for professional care, but is an adjunct to it. This effective self-help group has been selected as the winner of the 2000 Arnold L. van Amerigen Award in Psychiatric Rehabilitation from the American Psychiatric Association in recognition of contributions to the field of psychiatric rehabilitation.
Those interested in learning more about this organization should write: Recovery Inc., 802 N. Dearborn St., Chicago, IL 60610 (be sure to include a self-addressed, stamped envelope), or call (312) 337-5661. No fee is required.
Unsupervised Kids in Streets Drive Neighbors to Distraction
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I live in a community outside New Orleans. It is a new residential area with homes that all have nicely fenced back yards. However, when we return from work in the evenings, we encounter toddlers on the streets with their tricycles and abandoned toys -- and the parents are not within three houses of their youngsters. It's an obstacle course.
Frankly, we are sick to death of taking responsibility for the safety of their children. As we pass, the parents give us dirty looks and yell things like, "Watch the kid, will ya!" as we swerve to avoid children who are not old enough to be playing in the street.
We make every effort to drive under the speed limit and are always very careful. However, at least once a week we find ourselves slamming on our brakes to avoid an unsupervised child. When tragedies happen, these parents are quick to place the blame elsewhere.
When I was a child, we were allowed to play only in a fenced yard with a padlock on the gate so we couldn't escape. Or we played in designated play areas with our parents keeping a close eye on us. We were not allowed to ride bicycles on the street until we had been taught road safety and demonstrated the skills and knowledge needed to cycle on public streets without harm.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. It felt good to vent. I hope my letter will open the eyes of some parents to reality. -- PAMELA IN SLIDELL, LA.
DEAR PAMELA: So do I. Perhaps this is the time for a public service announcement. Supervision of small children -- who by definition are impulsive and quick -- is a full-time job. It requires one's full attention, particularly if the child is playing in a driveway or on a sidewalk near a street with traffic. Carrying on adult conversations, reading a magazine, running into the house "for just a moment" are distractions that can lead to tragedy in the blink of an eye. Hard work? You bet! But the joys are boundless.
DEAR ABBY: My sister has lived in Europe for most of my son's 9 years. She's 50 and going through a divorce. She is moving back to the United States and now wants to spend more time with my son. She also wants to start a savings account for him to pay part of his school tuition.
I am a single mother raising him alone, and the help would be appreciated. However, my sister does not give freely -- there is a price attached to everything she does. She is manipulative and controlling, and my son doesn't particularly enjoy spending time with her. When she's around, she rarely participates in our life, but expects to be fed and cleaned up after -- the classic "guest" mentality.
While the college fund is something I cannot provide at this time, I don't want to have it held over my head that I or my son "owe" her in some way. Should I take the money and keep quiet for his sake, or say "no thanks"? -- CAN'T DECIDE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: I'm reluctant to decide this question for you. Much depends upon your ability to tolerate her attitude of entitlement. However, feeling as you do, I would be inclined to graciously refuse her kind offer. There will be far fewer hard feelings if you do.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Friends Throw Cancer Patient a Party to Cover Up Her Fears
DEAR ABBY: I experienced such an incredible act of kindness and generosity from my co-workers that I feel compelled to share it.
I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer just seven months after the death of my lovely, sweet mother from the same disease.
Besides being terrified of the disease, I was terrified of the side effects of chemotherapy, especially the hair loss. I work in a busy cancer center at a large hospital, and I have a lot of patient contact. I have observed firsthand the psychological effects suffered by both men and women.
Abby, two wonderful co-workers came up with an idea to help me. One day at work, they surprised me with a "hat and scarf party." My co-workers and people I barely knew gave me the most beautiful accessories. They bought me different colors and patterns of scarves and hats, things I would never have spent money on for myself. I was overwhelmed by their generosity.
When you are first told the diagnosis, shock overtakes you. After the chemo starts, shopping is difficult because the therapy zaps your energy. My hair loss was very traumatic, but because of my co-workers, I already had a wide selection of hats and scarves at my disposal. I will be eternally grateful.
I hope sharing this story will inspire others to do the same for a family member, friend or co-worker who has cancer. There is so much cancer that I'm sure almost every reader will know someone who must undergo chemotherapy. If you want to help but don't know what to do, cook a meal, help with shopping, offer to do laundry or clean the bathroom, or host a hat/scarf party. I guarantee your kindness will be appreciated and boost the morale of the cancer patient.
Abby, I feel very blessed to work with such caring people, so I would like to thank them through your column. Thank you, friends! -- MICHELLE IN DENVER
DEAR MICHELLE: Bless you, and good luck with your therapy. You are in my prayers, and I hope that your treatment will result in full recovery.
DEAR ABBY: My stepson is 18 and living with my husband and me. He is a high school dropout who has been arrested for criminal mischief and theft. He is now out on bail, running up extremely high phone bills calling girls he meets on the Internet.
After several attempts to get my husband to demonstrate tough love, and being met with deaf ears, I finally took it upon myself to cut off our long-distance service to the house. I provided my husband with a 200-minute phone card so he can still call his daughter in Arizona. He is furious with me for doing this "without consulting him," and says I am a control freak. I simply wanted to send a message to his son. Was I wrong in doing this? –- HAD IT IN TEXAS
DEAR HAD IT: If you are the sole support of the household, then you were within your rights. However, if you both work and share the bills or he brings home the paycheck, you should have discussed your plan with him first.
Perhaps your husband feels guilty for the way his son has turned out, and that's the reason he has failed to take a firm stand with him. This young man is putting your marriage in danger. You and your husband would be doing yourselves a big favor to get marriage counseling –- and family counseling –- until his "boy" is either straightened out or is off to the pokey.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)