For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sisters Worry Joint Wedding Will Double Trouble for Guests
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are both being married next year. Several people have suggested that we make it a double wedding. We are very close and neither one of us is opposed to the idea, but we are worried it will be too expensive for our guests.
First, do we send separate invitations? Second, would this be too much of a financial burden for our guests? -- TAMPA BRIDE-TO-BE
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: Send only one invitation. Your and your fiance's name should be on it, and your sister's and her fiance's names as well.
A double wedding should not impose an extra financial burden on your guests. In fact, the cost might be less if you consider travel expenses for two separate weddings.
I wish all four of you every happiness on your special day.
DEAR ABBY: I have read many letters about infighting between ex-spouses. My husband's ex-wife approached me after he and I were married, and told me she felt it would be in the children's best interest for us to be friends.
What a great idea! Since that time, three years ago, she and I have talked, shared feelings, exchanged holiday gifts, been nice to each other in front of the kids, and shown them that it's OK to be friends with and to be nice to someone even though there have been bad times between parents.
This has reduced much stress that the kids were experiencing and allows them to tell us how much they love their mother without feeling guilty, embarrassed or nervous. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN ALABAMA
DEAR BTDT: I commend your husband's former wife -- and you -- for your mature decision to set aside personal animosity for the benefit of the children. Many families could learn from your example.
DEAR ABBY: I foolishly left my car unlocked while parked in downtown Boise for the River Festival. Sitting on the front seat was my cell phone and a few CDs. Needless to say, when I returned a few hours later, they were gone.
I immediately called my insurance company to report the theft and was informed that my deductible was more than the value of the stolen items. I was in despair. Then a glimmer of inspiration hit -- I dialed my cell phone number!
Unfortunately for the morally challenged juvenile who stole my property, his mother was standing next to him when his baggy pants started ringing! Let me tell you, after talking to that woman I would not want to be in that boy's shoes!
My phone and CDs were returned the next morning. She stayed to supervise while her son mowed my lawn and washed my cars.
I understand that for the next couple of months he will not be allowed out of the house without a family member. My greatest hope, however, is that the unfortunate incident helped a mother and son realize that a dangerous path loomed ahead -- and that bigger problems in the future were avoided. -- STILL CONNECTED IN BOISE
DEAR STILL CONNECTED: I'm pleased your story had a happy ending. It's risky to leave tempting articles in a parked car even when it is locked. Better to put them out of sight in the trunk.
NEW MAN IN DAUGHTER'S LIFE MEANS LESS TIME FOR MOM
DEAR ABBY: My mother is a dear lady, and I love her very much. She is long divorced and hasn't remarried. She lives alone quite far from me. We have been very close for the past few years, because I have been single for a long time. We have visited each other often, traveled together, talked on the phone every other day, etc.
I have finally met the man of my dreams. I love him and like to spend a lot of time with him. My mother is not happy for me. In fact, she is devastated that I no longer wish to spend all my vacation time with her or travel with her or talk on the phone quite as often.
I feel I have abandoned her in favor of my new love, and I feel terrible. Yet I also feel it is time to focus on making a life of my own -- maybe even marry and have my own family. However, Mom is living alone, and seems so sad when I tell her I will be spending my vacation with my new love.
Abby, am I being cruel to her? I love my mother very much and don't want to hurt her. -- WAVERING IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
DEAR WAVERING: I'm not surprised that your mother is less than overjoyed at your newfound love. You have been her confidante, travel companion and major source of entertainment for a long time. She'd be less than human if she didn't want that to continue.
Wanting to marry and make a life of your own is not cruel, it's normal. Your mother is unfair to lay a guilt trip on you.
It's time to encourage her to reach out to contemporaries for the emotional support she needs. There are any number of ways she can meet them -- adult education classes, senior citizen centers, volunteer work, square dancing classes; there are even tours especially for seniors. Do not allow yourself to be maneuvered into the role of your parent's parent. It is one that could last her entire remaining lifetime.
DEAR ABBY: My husband has been divorced from his ex-wife since 1992. They did not have children.
Abby, he still has the key to her condo. He says it's because he does work for her. He is a painting contractor. I think he should return the key and get it only when he has work to do there.
She calls him for everything -- from picking her up after a dentist's appointment to starting her car a couple of times a month while she's out of town. I think she should call some of her other friends. She has to call him only once for him to do whatever it is she wants. I have been after him for three years to change the showerhead in our shower. (I purchased it three years ago.) He says I "nag" him. I think three years is a long time to wait. When she calls him, he leaves work and does whatever it is she needs.
Am I being unreasonable by asking him to return her key? If the situation were reversed, I wouldn't be allowed to keep an ex-boyfriend's key and go to his place to do errands for him. Please answer. This is becoming a big problem for me now. -- HURTING IN FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.
DEAR HURTING: Your husband's first marriage may be over, but his emotional bond to his first wife hasn't been severed. I don't blame you for being upset. Most wives wouldn't tolerate what you have.
Tell your handy husband you feel threatened by his maintaining such a close tie to his former wife. You two are overdue for some marriage counseling. Pick up the phone and schedule an appointment. And while you're at it, call a plumber. Three years is too long to wait for your husband to install the showerhead.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Who Wants Marriage Still Waits Single in Seattle
DEAR ABBY: I have been living with a man for more than a year. We get along perfectly, and he says he loves me.
The problem is he will not make a commitment to get married. I do everything a wife would do to make a comfortable home for us. I am approaching middle age, and I want the security of marriage.
Should I wait for him, hoping he will change his mind, or should I move on and find someone who would like to make a commitment? Any help would be appreciated. -- DISAPPOINTED IN SEATTLE
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Sometimes people don't realize how precious something is until it's gone. Tell your roommate he has had enough free samples, that it's marriage or nothing. If he loves you, you'll get your proposal. If he doesn't, you are better off without him.
P.S. A man who loves a woman wants her to have the security that comes with a marriage license.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think my mother's brother and his wife should be invited to my parents' 50th wedding anniversary dinner when, three years ago, they failed to acknowledge the death of my brother? My uncle claimed illness for not visiting the funeral home or attending the funeral. They never sent flowers or even a card. (And their granddaughter owns a card shop!)
They live nearby, and when we saw them later at other family functions, they never offered anyone in our immediate family their condolences. -- HURT AND ANGRY IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HURT AND ANGRY: Please do not be so quick to judge. People grieve in their own way. Not everyone is comfortable attending funerals, and your uncle and his wife may have been afraid to bring up the subject of your brother's death for fear of causing you even more pain.
Unless your parents wish to single these relatives out for exclusion, they should be invited.
DEAR ABBY: My mother died recently. She was ill for five years and lived at home. Four of her adult children lived in the area. One of my sisters took it upon herself to set up Mom's medications and regularly take her to her many doctor's appointments. The rest of us did not ask her to do this, but it was a relief to know that she was able to do it for Mom.
Now that Mom has passed away, my sister has submitted a bill to the estate for $10,000 for "services rendered." Since the entire estate is worth only about $60,000, and the will states that everything is to be divided equally between all five children, the four of us feel her request is unreasonable.
How should we handle this? No matter what we decide, someone will be angry. -- MISSING MOM IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR MISSING MOM: Ask your sister how she came up with that figure. Investigate the current rates for home health-care workers in your area. You and your siblings should decide fairly among you how much your sister's efforts were worth, and reimburse her accordingly. (You may be surprised how reasonable her figure is!)
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)