To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom, Sister Can't Figure Why Brother Sides Against Them
DEAR ABBY: I am 37 years old and have one older brother who is 39. When we were growing up, our family was very close, but something happened when my father passed away eight years ago. Within a few years my mother remarried. Soon after, my marriage to an abusive man fell apart.
My brother decided to support my ex-husband and held me responsible for not giving him a "second chance." This hurt me deeply. When my mother recently divorced -- her husband wanted the divorce -- again, my brother took the husband's side. My brother's wife is a born-again Christian and doesn't believe in divorce, no matter what the reason.
My mother is heartbroken and so am I. I always looked up to my brother. I wish I knew it was his wife's influence and not his choice. He promised our father on his deathbed that he would take care of us. Not only has he walked away from us in our time of need, he has sided against us. I have tried talking to him, but it doesn't work. Is there anything I can do? I still love my brother and always will. -- SNIFFLING SIBLING IN TEXAS
DEAR SNIFFLING: If talking to your brother hasn't helped, there is nothing more you can do. I don't know whether his identification with other men is so strong that it colors the way he views you and his mother -- or whether he is unable (or unwilling) to keep his deathbed promise and can't face either of you. However, the reality is that you and she will have to rely on yourselves. Love him if you wish, but don't count on him for anything.
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, who lives with us, still clings to the cultural values of the old country and expects everybody to conform to them. This sometimes results in confrontation and ill feelings among family members.
My son, who is 16, frequently brings friends home. Most of the time he remembers to introduce them to the family members, but there are times when he thinks he has already introduced them, so he doesn't.
My mother-in-law gets upset when the young people who show up at home do not acknowledge her. She comes from a culture steeped in values such as respect for elders. She feels these young guests should greet her, or smile at her, and that they have to do it first before she will return the greeting.
Although I value such traditions, in my opinion she does not have to wait. She can initiate the introduction. I told her she should just say hello to them and ask them nonchalantly to introduce themselves. She is adamant that she should be greeted first. I explained that we do not know if these young people are shy, or whether they have not been properly taught by their own parents. None of the kids are overtly rude, either to my mother-in-law or me. Who is right in this instance? -- MODERN MOTHER, CERRITOS, CALIF.
DEAR MODERN MOTHER: I don't know where your mother-in-law hails from, but in our culture it is also proper for young people to defer to older people. Make it clear to your son that when he brings friends to the house, he should make a point of greeting his grandmother and asking if she has met them. If she hasn't, he should introduce them. He should also explain to his friends what kind of behavior is expected from him -- and them.
Countertops Aren't Meant to Be Seating for Guests
DEAR ABBY: I'll bet you get mail from your readers about your reply to "Homer in San Diego," who is offended when guests sit on his kitchen counter.
Covered or uncovered, I don't want anyone's "tuckus" on my kitchen counters where I prepare food. How gross! Have you stopped to think where their backsides might have been before they got to your house? I don't even place grocery bags on my counter after they have picked up goodness-knows-what from the market basket, counter or car trunk.
I would usher my guests to chairs and tell them seating was more comfortable there. As for spraying the counter with bleach before they arrive, I'd spray after they left -- not only with bleach but with disinfectant as well. -- SALLY IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR SALLY: What I had in mind by spraying the counter with bleach before counter-sitters arrive was to discourage them from sitting there. A strong scent of bleach would cause them to reconsider their selection of a place to sit.
You're right about my hearing from readers about that answer. Most of them thought my answer was "counter-productive." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: People putting their backsides on a kitchen counter? NOT IN MY HOUSE! I don't want anyone's tush on a counter where I prepare food.
"Homer's" "terrific friends" must have flunked hygiene. -- ARLINE MILLER, THOUSAND OAKS, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: When my son and daughter were growing up in the '60s and '70s, most of our conversations took place in the kitchen with me sitting in a chair and them perched on the counter. Thirty years later, my grandsons still sit on the counter while we talk.
My son died five years ago. I wish I could see him sit on that countertop again. -- GRANNIE IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA.
DEAR ABBY: This is for the friends of "Homer in San Diego":
"Counters are for glasses,
"Not for a----!"
I'm sure you can fill in the blank. -- J.B., VICTORVILLE, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I have an important decision to make, and I'm not sure what it should be. I am engaged to a wonderful man who is perfect in every way -- except one. He hates dogs. I have a beautiful, well-behaved, 4-year-old German shepherd. I love my dog dearly. My fiance will not permit me to keep the dog when we marry. I may be able to give it to a family member, but it is not definite.
Abby, I love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I am not so sure how much it would hurt me to give up my pet. I am 56 years old and just want to enjoy life. Please advise me. -- CAROL, MENTOR, OHIO
DEAR CAROL: Gladly. If you want to enjoy life, keep the dog and give up your fiance. Any man who would demand that you give up your beloved pet is no bargain and doesn't know the meaning of love.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Well Meaning Remarks Add Guilt to Little Sister's Stress
DEAR ABBY: My 9-year-old sister witnessed our mother's murder and her killer's suicide, and she now suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder. She has since come to live with me and has become an important part of my life. Having her with me has helped me to cope with my grief.
When people hear of our shared tragedy, they react with sympathy. However, they seem to feel it's their duty to tell my sister how grateful she should be to me. Both of us find this remark insulting, bordering on a guilt trip.
I think their comments are inappropriate and more than a little insensitive. How do I firmly cut these people short before they cause my sister more undue stress -- but gently, to also spare their feelings? -- PROTECTIVE IN FLORIDA
DEAR PROTECTIVE: I offer my sympathy for the tragedy that befell your mother. When well-meaning but insensitive people start talking about how grateful your sister should be, simply say: "I'm the one who's grateful. I need my sister at least as much as she needs me. We're fortunate to have each other." It's the truth.
DEAR ABBY: I recently moved to a new neighborhood with my husband and children. It's a nice street, nice neighbors, no complaints really -- except one.
My neighbor "Cheryl" won't leave me alone. She wants our children to play together constantly. When our kids aren't playing, she is calling me. I like her, but enough is enough. I have my own family and friends, and I don't have time to talk to her 24/7.
I cannot hide. She knows when I am home and when I'm out. As soon as I get home, the phone starts ringing. Even when I'm out, she calls my cell phone and asks what I'm doing. And now the computer! She checks to see if I'm online!
It's getting to be too much. I don't know how to say anything without hurting her feelings. I actually pray for rainy days so I can stay indoors. Other than moving, what can I do? -- PRISONER IN MY NEW HOME
DEAR PRISONER: Some of this is your own fault. You gave Cheryl your cell phone number and e-mail address, so you shouldn't blame her for using them.
If you want your life back, put some starch in your spine and explain to this needy (and presumptuous) woman that you don't have time to fulfill all her needs -- you already have a family and social life.
When she comes over uninvited, tell her you are busy. If she calls at an inopportune time, explain that you will call her back because it is not convenient to talk "now." (Return the call when you have time to chat.) Ask her not to call you on your cell phone. If she persists, change the number. Do the same with your e-mail address.
In other words, draw some boundaries around your life and kindly (but firmly) insist that she respect them. Your life will not be your own if you don't, and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)