Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Pep Talks Encourage Teen to Find Victory in Defeat
DEAR ABBY: I read with distress the letter from "Depressed Teen in the Desert," the 14-year-old who lost a martial arts tournament. As a youth coach for many years, I am convinced there is entirely too much emphasis placed on winning as a measure of success in sports today.
True success is overcoming adversity and performing to the best of your ability. There will always be someone who is better than you. That doesn't mean you won't win, but most likely, you won't win every match. In sports, success should be measured in progress and effort.
"Depressed Teen" may have come up short on the scoreboard, but he is not a failure. A failure is someone who gives up, or gives less than his or her best effort. -- COACH IN WASHINGTON
DEAR COACH: I hope the young person who wrote takes your letter to heart. Adults recognize that success is a process, a road that is constantly under construction. Young adults often are hard on themselves when they don't succeed right away. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Please remind "Depressed Teen" that Babe Ruth -- who held the record for home runs -- also held the record for striking out. Also, at one time, both Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan were considered not good enough to play on their school's teams. Abraham Lincoln, one of our greatest presidents, lost more elections than he won.
The one consistent factor with all of these guys is that they kept trying. Nobody considers them "losers."
At age 14, "Teen's" body hasn't come close to the peak of what he will be able to do if he doesn't give up now. The fact that he even made it to the tournament puts him way ahead of most spectators.
A loser? No, sir -- no way! Please give him this message. -- T.J., THE TEACHER
DEAR T.J.: Well said! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm 15 and also a martial artist. I have been training for more than three years and have my black belt. After every class, we recite the "Tenets of the Martial Arts." The first is perseverance. Perseverance is vital; it's the key to achieving. If I didn't believe that, I would have given up long ago. Everybody fails before they ever win. (I know I have.) "Teen" should be proud he made it to the state championships (what an honor!). Although he lost, he must get back up and keep trying. It's the only way to succeed. I hope this martial artist doesn't sacrifice his talents because of one loss. -- PERSEVERANCE ALWAYS WINS
DEAR "PERSEY": I'm sure "Depressed Teen" will be grateful for your pep talk. You're very wise. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: May I offer a comment to "Depressed Teen in the Desert"? At age 14, there are many more martial arts tournaments ahead of you. Remember that Thomas Edison tried many times to create the electric light. His last attempt is the one people remember! -- C. JOHNSON, HANFORD, CALIF.
DEAR C: That's succinct and astute. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Please ask "Depressed Teen" to consider this -- Chuck Norris failed his first black-belt test. (Read about it and his successful second attempt in his autobiography, "The Secret of Inner Strength.") In the long run, do you think that experience held him back or pushed him forward? -- TOM NORDLIE, GAINESVILLE, FLA.
DEAR TOM: Good question. I'll bet few people know that Chuck Norris ever failed. Thanks for the interesting tidbit. And thank you to all the caring people who made the effort to offer encouragement to a young athlete who clearly had a bad day.
Questions About New Mom's Age Get Old Really Quick
DEAR ABBY: I am 42 and recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I had my last child at 37. One day I encountered a very rude woman. She raved about how cute my baby was and then proceeded to ask me if he was my grandson! In this day and age, many women have babies in their 40s and beyond. I would never ask a woman of any age that question. I know from experience that it can ruin her day.
I realize I'm old enough to be the grandmother, but the point is that I am not. Since I'm five years older now, I'm sure I'll encounter the same situation. I wonder if I should wear a button that says, "No, I'm not the grandmother. I'm the mother."
Another impertinent question I have been asked is, "Are you going to have your tubes tied now?" Abby, it is no one's business!
Can you please tell me what to say when rude people ask me these questions? -- "GREAT" BUT NOT "GRAND" MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: When someone asks if you're the baby's grandmother, smile and reply, "Why do you ask?" If the person is rude enough to answer that you appear too old to be the mother, inform him or her that you ARE the child's mother and you feel that's "grand"!
When asked if you're going to have your tubes tied, reply, "If that were any of your business, you would already know the answer to that question."
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your response to "Unglued in Massachusetts," who was offended when people use a preprinted mailing label on their correspondence. You asked her what was more important -- the envelope or its contents.
I am a deaf, legally blind man with partially paralyzed fingers on my writing hand. I use the labels for mailing, and give them to people in places like repair shops and medical offices when I'm asked for my personal information.
Abby, my handwriting looks like a doctor's prescription written on a plane in heavy turbulence. However, even in my condition, I still get the impression people think it is rude of me to use the labels. -- SCOTT E. JOHNSTON, APOPKA, FLA.
DEAR SCOTT: Your reasons for using preprinted labels are practical and sensible. Common sense has to rule. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired U.S. postal employee and would like to inform "Unglued" that the U.S. Postal Service recommends and prefers preprinted mailing labels in place of handwritten names and addresses. Our automation equipment can read legible preprinted labels at an enormous rate of speed, thus getting the mail to the addressee much quicker. -- BOB MIKRUT, GLEN ELLYN, ILL.
DEAR BOB: Thank you for writing. For anyone who doesn't know it, the Postal Service also prefers envelopes on which addresses have been typed in capital letters with no punctuation marks.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "HEARTBROKEN PARENTS": "Tolerance is the positive and cordial effort to understand another's beliefs, practices and habits without necessarily sharing or accepting them." -- Joshua Liebman
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Gold Digging Accusations Tarnish Plans for Wedding
DEAR ABBY: I am being married in October, and something is really bothering me. I have a 14-year-old daughter -- and she is a big problem, but not the only problem.
A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from my fiance's mother. She told me the only reason I want to marry her son is for his money. Abby, we have lived together for more than a year. To this day I don't know what he earns or what he has in the bank, and I don't want to know. What she said was extremely hurtful. I never have been and never will be a gold digger. My fiance knows that. She also told me that if he married me, my daughter will receive nothing in his will.
My fiance is now telling me that because he doesn't want my daughter to get any of his money, he wants to get a prenuptial agreement. I don't have a problem with that -- but here's the deal: If we get divorced, I'll get nothing. That's OK with me. But if anything happens to him, I will also be left with nothing -- everything will go to his sons.
Abby, is it wrong of me to want some security for my old age? This is something I didn't think I would have to think about, but now I do. Either way I am being made to look like a gold digger. I'm so hurt I don't know how to deal with it. I love this man with all my heart, but I'm lost and don't know what to do. Please help. -- CRYING IN DEARBORN, MICH.
DEAR CRYING: Dry your tears and take heart. As much as you love this man, you need to consult a lawyer. A prenuptial agreement has to be acceptable to both parties, and you must be represented by an impartial lawyer so that it isn't signed under "duress." The document should offer you some protection, so that you won't be blindsided at some future date.
Discuss with your lawyer whether or not your fiance should sign a similar agreement that plainly outlines what he expects his financial obligations to you will be.
He should be as willing to sign such an agreement as you are. After all, business is a two-way street and there's nothing shameful about it.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Must I Share Everything?" whose husband likes to hang out with her and her girlfriends. May I comment?
I am a 34-year-old woman who is thrilled to have a husband who feels comfortable with my friends. In fact, a couple of weeks ago I had a Pampered Chef party with 25 ladies -- and my husband was the hit of the evening! He had a great time and was even nicknamed "Oven Boy" because he was in charge of putting the food in the oven for the demonstrator. I didn't even mind when my friends wanted to go into the kitchen to check out "Oven Boy's 'buns.'"
That lady should count her blessings. I know I do every day. After all, doesn't it make sense that your "best friend" should get along with your other friends? -- LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD, MIDLOTHIAN, ILL.
DEAR LUCKIEST GIRL: I agree completely. I'd rather have my friends checking out my Oven Boy's buns than trying to find my Turkey who couldn't relate to any of them.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)