Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Gold Digging Accusations Tarnish Plans for Wedding
DEAR ABBY: I am being married in October, and something is really bothering me. I have a 14-year-old daughter -- and she is a big problem, but not the only problem.
A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from my fiance's mother. She told me the only reason I want to marry her son is for his money. Abby, we have lived together for more than a year. To this day I don't know what he earns or what he has in the bank, and I don't want to know. What she said was extremely hurtful. I never have been and never will be a gold digger. My fiance knows that. She also told me that if he married me, my daughter will receive nothing in his will.
My fiance is now telling me that because he doesn't want my daughter to get any of his money, he wants to get a prenuptial agreement. I don't have a problem with that -- but here's the deal: If we get divorced, I'll get nothing. That's OK with me. But if anything happens to him, I will also be left with nothing -- everything will go to his sons.
Abby, is it wrong of me to want some security for my old age? This is something I didn't think I would have to think about, but now I do. Either way I am being made to look like a gold digger. I'm so hurt I don't know how to deal with it. I love this man with all my heart, but I'm lost and don't know what to do. Please help. -- CRYING IN DEARBORN, MICH.
DEAR CRYING: Dry your tears and take heart. As much as you love this man, you need to consult a lawyer. A prenuptial agreement has to be acceptable to both parties, and you must be represented by an impartial lawyer so that it isn't signed under "duress." The document should offer you some protection, so that you won't be blindsided at some future date.
Discuss with your lawyer whether or not your fiance should sign a similar agreement that plainly outlines what he expects his financial obligations to you will be.
He should be as willing to sign such an agreement as you are. After all, business is a two-way street and there's nothing shameful about it.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Must I Share Everything?" whose husband likes to hang out with her and her girlfriends. May I comment?
I am a 34-year-old woman who is thrilled to have a husband who feels comfortable with my friends. In fact, a couple of weeks ago I had a Pampered Chef party with 25 ladies -- and my husband was the hit of the evening! He had a great time and was even nicknamed "Oven Boy" because he was in charge of putting the food in the oven for the demonstrator. I didn't even mind when my friends wanted to go into the kitchen to check out "Oven Boy's 'buns.'"
That lady should count her blessings. I know I do every day. After all, doesn't it make sense that your "best friend" should get along with your other friends? -- LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD, MIDLOTHIAN, ILL.
DEAR LUCKIEST GIRL: I agree completely. I'd rather have my friends checking out my Oven Boy's buns than trying to find my Turkey who couldn't relate to any of them.
Loving Father Offers Prayer for Parents at Wit's End
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 46-year-old father of four, married to the same woman for 23 years. Being a parent is not easy. I know that child abuse statistics are soaring these days.
I've enclosed a prayer that came to mind one day in the midst of the daily chaos. If it causes one parent to pause long enough to avoid verbally, emotionally or physically hurting the child he or she loves, it will have been worth the effort of mailing it to you. -- JUST ANOTHER DAD IN ARIZONA
DEAR DAD: Rest assured, your effort was not wasted. I love the prayer -- and so will my readers. Read on:
PRAYER FOR A TIRED, IRRITABLE PARENT
Healthy children make lots of noise.
They sing, they shout, they belly laugh, they fight, they bang things together, they bounce things, they cry, they scream, they make lots of noise.
They play loud.
God, bless my healthy children. Give me new ears, ears that hear the music of their noise.
Give me new understanding, understanding that doesn't crush their spirits with my intolerance and oversensitivity.
Give me a new Peace, a Peace that is grateful for the sounds created by healthy children.
DEAR ABBY: This letter is prompted by the one about warning beepers on airport carts and heavy equipment. A "start-up" beeper on school buses would greatly reduce child-related accidents when the bus moves. Children forget to be careful after getting off the bus. A warning beep would let them know it is about to move.
It could probably be installed at a reasonable cost. Bus drivers could be mandated by law to wait for the timed beeps to cease before moving the vehicle, thus giving children time to move out of the way.
Don't you think this would save lives if action groups insisted that it be done? I do. -- R.K. COLLINGS, OTTAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR R.K.: I do, too. And the expense would be minimal if you take into consideration the value of a child's life. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In your response to a letter about warning beepers on airport carts, you mentioned back-up beepers on heavy equipment. I am in my mid-80s, and I can't turn around and look behind my car as well as I once could, so I had a back-up beeper installed on my car. It cost less than $50. Other seniors would be wise to have this device installed on their cars to protect those we may not see behind us. --DOMINIC BRUNO, DELTONA, FLA.
DEAR DOMINIC: Why only seniors? I'm sure drivers of every age occasionally put their cars into reverse without looking back. Such a warning for pedestrians, pets and children could save life and limb.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think a woman can be in love with two men at one time? -- PAT IN SPARTANBURG, S.C.
DEAR PAT: No. But she can be infatuated with two men (or more!) at the same time.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Generous Praise Gives Kids the Confidence to Be Winners
DEAR ABBY: I am a teacher with more than 25 years invested in the lives of young people. You stress that parents need to provide their children with sex education because this is what will help them the most to make informed choices. May I present some pearls of wisdom from my experience and observations in working with youth?
Do all that you possibly can to help your children feel successful. Be their greatest fans. Encourage them to participate in activities that challenge and enrich them. Be generous with praise, both for efforts and accomplishments. Take time to write them special notes and look for cards to give them that contain messages of love and pride. (I still treasure the note my mother wrote to me when she felt she had neglected to acknowledge my hardworking efforts.)
Do things together. Hug them. Hug them again. The care and effort you extend to your children, in helping them build strong self-esteem, will generate huge dividends in the form of healthy, wholesome choices when they become teen-agers and young adults.
I can still hear my 30-year-old nephew telling us that as a child he always felt like a "good person" because we always told them what good kids they were. He became a teacher. -- STILL TEACHING AND TELLING THEM THEY'RE TERRIFIC
DEAR STILL TEACHING: Thank you for a terrific letter. I hope parents will take your message to heart. I was touched by the notepaper upon which your letter was written. Printed on it was: "GOALS. No one can predict to what heights you can soar until you spread your wings." How true.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I both have full-time jobs. Whenever I suggest that he help out more, his reply is always, "I do what I can."
Abby, if I had that attitude, our dog would be five years dead and the two cats multiplied to 400. The roof would have caved in on all the dust bunnies, a sink of dirty dishes and matching orange crates. Food in the refrigerator would be green and moldy with no way to cook it because of a broken stove. Utility companies would have turned off the power (but we'd still get a breeze through the broken window). Children's services would have arrested us for neglect, I'd still be wearing my college wardrobe, and my smile would reveal no teeth.
I've decided to throw myself a party. I'm inviting the veterinarian, roofer, appliance salesman, landscaper, but not my husband. He is finally going to have to do something -- like call an attorney. Sadly, however, he won't be left regretting his lack of familial duty. His mother will rescue her "baby boy" again.
Women: Take a lesson from someone who's been there. Find out just what it is he CAN do before buying a wedding dress! -- FINALLY FREE
DEAR FINALLY FREE: I am reminded of that old song, "It's So Nice to Have a Man Around the House." I'm sorry that yours failed to live up to your expectations.
In fairness, women should not automatically expect men to fix a roof (or a cat). However, if necessary, they should be able to call someone who can, and schedule an appointment.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)