For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old divorcee who recently broke off a two-year relationship with a 50-year-old divorced man. We were dating "steadily" (every night and every weekend), and I thought he was faithful and loved me, as he so frequently declared.
I dropped by unexpectedly a year ago, and I caught a woman hiding in his bedroom closet. Before that, he picked up a girl (a stranger!) at a cafeteria at noon and took her home. I accidentally dropped by that time, too. Then I discovered e-mails he had sent to the closet-girl setting up more meetings. (She would come over before I got off work at 5 each night.) There were also e-mails to other women across the country arranging dates. (He's a pilot.)
Each time I caught him being unfaithful, he'd beg me to forgive his indiscretions. I tried, but I couldn't trust him. His schedule is such that he has lots of free time during the day when I'm at work, so my imagination would run rampant.
He was unfaithful in his marriage, too. I think he has no intention of ever being faithful to one woman, and that tormented me. I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone. Did I do the right thing in ending the relationship? -- CRYING IN MEMPHIS
DEAR CRYING: Absolutely! And you'd also be doing the right thing to schedule an appointment immediately with your doctor to be examined for sexually transmitted diseases.
Your former boyfriend appears to be addicted to sex. Unless he is willing to accept the fact that his behavior is out of control and to get professional help, he cannot be the person you would like him to be.
Now, dry your tears. Get on with your life and be glad that you didn't waste more than two years on this pilot with broken wings and a tarnished halo.
DEAR ABBY: I recently received a promotion at work over someone who had been with the company for a long time. Since then, most of my co-workers have treated me badly. They snub me, gossip, and constantly look for errors in my work they can bring to the supervisor's attention. I thought the supervisor would support me, but she just humors them.
For seven months I have tried to be courteous and nice to them, but they are determined to make my life miserable. One woman in particular is very intimidating. She seems to thrive on generating hostility and bad feelings.
I leave work every day frustrated and with hurt feelings. I don't want to quit, but I am at a loss as to how to handle this. -- JUST DOING MY JOB
DEAR JUST: What you are experiencing may not be pleasant, but it comes with the territory. You can't be in management and be "one of the girls," too. The higher you climb the job ladder, the more of these situations you will encounter and be expected to handle. If you're going to be an effective manager, you must learn to accept it.
There are books and management seminars available. If your immediate supervisor isn't willing to mentor you, perhaps someone else on a supervisory or personnel level would be. Check it out.
Grandma of Adopted Baby Girl Celebrates Her Birth Mother
DEAR ABBY: Please print this so my feelings of love and undying gratitude will reach the young woman who is the birth mother of my new granddaughter.
My daughter and her husband, after years of indescribable pain and disappointment, just went to the hospital to pick up their brand-new baby girl. Their joy and happy tears would warm the coldest of hearts.
I want the birth mother to know that her love, courage and feelings of loss have not been forgotten in our moments of joy. Your baby will know from the beginning that you had choices and you chose to give her life. You performed the most unselfish act I can imagine, and I question if I would have had your strength of character.
Saying thank you seems inadequate. I wish I could put my arms around you and say "I love you," and I hope my new granddaughter inherits your heart and courage. May the rest of your life be blessed as you have blessed ours. -- HAPPY NEW GRANDMOTHER, DALLAS
DEAR HAPPY GRANDMOTHER: I'm sure your letter will warm the hearts of tens of thousands of young mothers who have placed their precious infants for adoption. I'm certain very few of them wanted to give her child away, and the sacrifice was made to ensure the baby had a better future than she could provide.
DEAR ABBY: Three weeks before our wedding day, my fiance canceled our engagement with only a feeble explanation. We had gone together for five years.
What should I do with the bridesmaid dresses (that he paid for), the engraved invitations and my beautiful fitted wedding gown? Would it be tacky to keep it for the future? -- DISAPPOINTED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Sometimes good fortune comes disguised as disaster. Under the circumstances, ask the bridesmaids if they would like to keep the dresses. If they decline, give or sell them to a consignment shop -- and, yes, give the money to your ex-fiance. Throw away the invitations, but because you love it, keep your beautiful wedding gown. Have a quality dry cleaner carefully preserve it for a happier wedding day in the future.
DEAR ABBY: I have not seen my problem in your column, so I thought I would write and get your opinion.
"Tony" and I are not married, but we have lived together for more than 15 years. I have always been included in his family's celebrations and have helped them in times of crisis.
Tony's sister died a few months ago. Of course, I attended the funeral. What stuck in my craw was that her relatives -- from parents to nieces and nephews -- were listed as survivors in the obituary, but my name was not included. I am hurt by the omission.
Considering the length of my relationship with Tony, shouldn't I have been named in the obituary? -- LEFT OUT IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR LEFT OUT: Regardless of how close a relationship one may have with a relative of the deceased, traditionally only family members are named in the obituary. Technically, you are a friend of the family, not a relative. Sorry.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Asks How Old Is Too Old When Choosing a Mate
DEAR ABBY: I am in love with a wonderful man who meets all my specifications for a lifetime mate, except one.
He is honest, healthy, good-looking (could pass for 58 to 60), financially secure, generous, very active socially, has a great attitude on life, a great set of friends, we are sexually compatible, and he loves my family and me more than any man ever has.
My problem? He is 70 years old. I am 52. I have told him if he were 58 I would marry him.
I greatly value your opinion. Could I be making the biggest mistake of my life? -- CONFUSED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR CONFUSED: I don't know if it's the biggest -- but it's certainly in the top 2 percent. You say he's healthy and vigorous -- what could be your fear? If it's that you might be a young widow, consider this: You could marry a younger man with whom you have less in common, but he could keel over tomorrow. None of us has a contract with God.
DEAR ABBY: I know my question is probably one that you have answered many times, but it is still on my mind.
I have met the most amazing guy -- and he's just indescribably delicious. I love him more than anything. From the first moment I saw him, it's been like magic.
I need to know: Is it possible to find true love in your teen-age years? What are the odds? And if so, what is the chance it will last? -- LIZ IN LONG VALLEY, N.J.
DEAR LIZ: Yes, it's possible to find true love in your teen-age years. I did. I was 16 when I met my husband-to-be, Morton Phillips, who was in his freshman year of college. (I didn't find out until later that he was 6 weeks younger than me!) Of course, we waited until we were 21 to be married, and people married younger back then. We've been married 62 years.
Today I advise couples to wait to marry until they have both completed their education. People grow as they mature, and sometimes they grow in different directions. I also urge young women to refrain from marriage until they have acquired enough education to support themselves and their children should they have to, because unfortunately, they often have to.
DEAR ABBY: When my children play outside, their friends ask them for snacks and drinks. While I usually encourage them to share, I simply cannot afford to feed all the neighbors' kids in addition to my own four. How do I say no and still set a good example? -- ON A BUDGET IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR ON A BUDGET: I'm not sure you should say no. Surely, once in a while you can provide something nutritious to the hungry children without bankrupting yourself. A pitcher of lemonade and a bowl of popcorn or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is affordable -- and the "fixings" can be purchased in bulk for little money. I hope you'll reconsider your stance in this matter.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)