CONFIDENTIAL TO MARTHA IN MOBILE: Look carefully before you leap. Experience is the comb life gives you after you've lost your hair.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from Lowell K. Allen, who served on the submarine "Cato" in World War II, contained some errors. First and foremost, there never was a submarine called the Cato. Also, there is not now, never has and never will be a 20 mm submachine gun. I think the man meant to say a Thompson .45-caliber submachine gun.
He did correctly point out, however, that even the so-called "educated" make mistakes. I spent 30 years in the Navy, 1943-1973, and there are documented cases of deck guns being fired "accidentally." -- J. PAUL SURPREMANT, LCDR U.S. NAVY (RET.), FLORIDA
DEAR PAUL: Thank you and the other readers who pointed out the inaccuracies in that letter. Because of a typographical error at my syndicate, Mr. Allen's ship was referred to as the "Cato." Mr. Allen served on the USS Gato (SS212).
I contacted Mr. Allen, who apologized for incorrectly referring to the gun as a 20 mm submachine gun, and said it was probably a .45-caliber submachine gun as many readers accurately guessed. Also, two initials were transposed in Mr. Allen's rank. He was RMCS, meaning Radio Man, Chief, Senior.
I appreciate the fact that so many people took the time to write and point out the errors. You are all heroes in my book. However, I didn't write that column because I have an "anti-gun agenda." I wrote it because I am anti-gun from the bottom of my heart.
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Marty," and his wife, "Darla," recently spent a week with me in my home. I worked very hard to make their visit enjoyable. One evening I planned a lovely dinner. After we finished, I asked Darla if she would help me clear the table. She looked at me as if I had mortally wounded her -- and walked out of the room!
Later, I approached Marty and told him how upset I was over Darla's behavior. He replied, "This isn't the 1950s, Mom. She doesn't have to help." He also said that Darla was never taught to express appreciation and wasn't raised to do housework. (She didn't lift a finger the entire week.)
That was three weeks ago. I haven't heard a word from them since they left. Was I wrong in asking my daughter-in-law to help? -- UPSET MOM IN FLORIDA
DEAR UPSET: Certainly not. And I hope your son didn't just sit there, since I assume you raised him to lend a hand when there's a job to be done.
You are not going to change Darla. The next time they visit, go to restaurants or buy take-out food and serve it on paper plates.
I hope that when you pay them a visit, they pamper you as you pampered them -- but don't hold your breath. As tempting as it would be not to lift a finger, I know it's not in your DNA to play the helpless houseguest.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom's Memory Lets Smoker Give Swift Kick to the Butts
DEAR ABBY: I quit smoking today. It may not seem like a great accomplishment to most people, but I'm 37 years old and have smoked since I was in seventh grade. Like many others, I tried for years to kick the habit, but I guess I never really had the proper motivation to do it.
I was looking at some photographs I took while my family was home last Christmas, and came to the last picture I ever took of my mother. We lost her just after New Year's. It was something none of us in the family ever expected. She had a massive heart attack.
Burying my mother was the toughest thing I have ever done. I don't want my kids to see me in a casket before I reach retirement age. Mother had very high blood pressure, for which she had been treated. We thought she was doing pretty well. Her treatment included quitting smoking a year ago. Unfortunately for her, she quit too late.
Please remind your readers that cancer isn't the only possible result of smoking. Smoking can also lead to high blood pressure that leads to heart trouble. -- SMOKE-FREE IN INDIANA
DEAR SMOKE-FREE: I offer my sympathy for the untimely loss of your mother. It's sad to say, but sometimes it takes the death of someone near and dear to convince us that we're not immortal. I commend you for your decision to finally quit smoking. If someone is looking for a reason to quit, your letter may provide an incentive.
DEAR ABBY: A fifth couple in our circle of friends recently ended their marriage. When I asked the husbands what happened, each said much the same thing: "When we were first married, I was the most important person in my wife's life. With each child, my place was shifted farther and farther back until I felt totally forgotten."
These husbands told me that "neglect" made them vulnerable to someone who did show them some attention. You know the rest.
When I asked the wives what happened, they said they didn't know -- but guessed that they "just drifted apart and their interests changed." None of them knew how their husbands felt.
I have also heard women say that their affair was the result of not feeling important at home. If only both spouses knew how important a little TLC is to his or her partner, there might be more lasting marriages. Abby, please warn your readers not to take their spouses for granted. Their partners should never feel they are at the bottom of the priority list. -- HAPPILY MARRIED HUSBAND
DEAR HAPPILY MARRIED: While doing your research, you picked up valuable information about the demise of many marriages: When children arrive, it's a given that life becomes busy and complicated. However, couples must make finding time for each other a priority. Both spouses need to remember that one day "the kids" will fly the nest, and for a marriage to survive, it must be infused with the necessary nutrients -- love, attention and respect, to name a few.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Gifts for Teachers Should Be Tokens of Students' Affection
DEAR ABBY: Recently your column dealt with suggestions from readers about the best kinds of gifts to give classroom teachers. Unfortunately, one of the responses ("Avid Reader, Winter Haven, Fla.") contained inaccurate information about the policy in our local school district.
The Polk County School Board has never prohibited students from giving gifts to teachers. Whether the gift is an apple, a restaurant gift certificate, a handmade craft, a stack of school supplies or a bottle of perfume, I think we all recognize that the true gift is the love exchanged between teacher and child. These gifts are merely tokens of affection for the teacher, and our teachers accept them gracefully and appreciatively, regardless of their monetary value.
The only restriction in our policy prohibits employees from accepting gifts from vendors and suppliers. Thank you for helping us correct this inaccuracy. -- FRANCES MC MICHAEL, COMMUNITY RELATIONS DIRECTOR, SCHOOL BOARD OF POLK COUNTY, FLA.
DEAR FRANCES: You're welcome. However, I must confess that when I printed the letter from "Avid Reader," I thought the policy described in the letter was sound, sensitive and well-thought-out -- not to mention a relief to poor families who are unable to compete in the area of gift-giving.
Teachers deserve to receive respect all year long for the hard work they do. They also deserve thanks for a job well done and to be paid salaries they can live on so they may provide for their families and their retirement. However, I'm not sure that student gift-giving is appropriate, since not all of them can comfortably do so.
DEAR ABBY: I know that you are an animal lover, and that each year you warn your readers not to leave their pets locked in enclosed vehicles because they can quickly die from heat stroke. But this year would you also add this important message?
Dehydration is a slow, painful death. Outdoor animals need open, fresh water constantly available in order to avoid dehydration. (In the winter when water often freezes, we also carry warm water to all of our outside livestock three times a day.) This includes: dogs, cats, rabbits, geese, goats, horses and cattle.
Please, Abby, don't ask -- TELL your readers to get out there and water their pets, or to find them a better home. -- SUNNY IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.
DEAR SUNNY: I agree -- your letter contains an important message to pet owners. I hope they read it and heed it.
DEAR ABBY: I recently found out that my husband of two years met a girl on a bus trip. He had been e-mailing her for almost two months.
I confronted him, and he promised me that he loved me and wanted only me. He swore that nothing had happened between them. However, in the e-mails that he had sent her, he told her about a fight we had -- and he said things that could be interpreted to mean he wanted to have an affair with her.
She lives in Oregon not far from where we live. Should I be worried, or should I take his word for it and let it go? He promised he wouldn't e-mail her anymore or have any contact with her. -- HURT IN EVERETT, WASH.
DEAR HURT: If I were you, I'd keep a sharp eye on him. Talk is cheap. Divorces are expensive -- and not just monetarily.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)