What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Doubts She Can Find Compassion for Cruel in Laws
DEAR ABBY: I know you have heard in-law horror stories for decades, but I believe mine takes the cake. My in-laws actually threw a second wedding reception for our guests because they didn't feel ours had enough food. It was a catered affair in their home immediately following ours.
When I had children, they told me they knew their daughter's children were their "real" grandchildren, but they could never be too sure mine were! They save their cruelest words for me and our children for when my husband is not around.
They call my husband "henpecked" because ours is an equal partnership, and he shares in the child-rearing, cooking, cleaning and shopping.
My mother-in-law complained last year that my husband is "too close" to his children. She says if my husband has time to coach our son's soccer team, he should have time to fix their storm windows.
My in-laws have repeatedly returned gifts to me saying, "I never cared for that scent of perfume" or "This shirt makes me look long-waisted."
They have also overindulged my husband's sister's children to such a degree that neighbors and other family members have commented on it over the years. My husband has truly supported me throughout these in-law tribulations. We have a fantastic marriage.
My problem is, after 18 years of being on the receiving end of these absurd in-law antics, my elderly in-laws expect me to assist them. They are now in their 80s and infirm. My husband feels obligated to assist his parents, however I don't think I can.
Am I a small person, or is there a limit to what I or anyone should give to people who have been mean and miserable for years on end? -- RESENTFUL IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR RESENTFUL: You are not a small person -- your feelings are more than justified. Your in-laws are so self-centered they do not consider how their words and actions affect other people. However, resentment can do more damage to the person who harbors it than it does to the target.
Should you help these people? Under no circumstances should you be expected to tolerate any more abuse. However, since your husband feels obligated to help his parents, and he has "truly supported you" throughout the years, I think you'd feel better if you returned the favor and supported his efforts. He's sure to need the help. If "helping" conflicts with something that is important to you, call an attendant care agency and let someone else help for a day or two. To do otherwise will only add to your resentment.
DEAR ABBY: What do you do when your best friend knowingly names her dog the name that you had picked for your future daughter (should there be a daughter)? Am I being silly to feel upset? -- HURT IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR HURT: What your friend did was doggone insensitive, and could create real problems should you have a daughter during her pet's lifetime. What does she think will happen if she calls her dog within earshot of your daughter?
Tell her you have a bone to pick with her. If she refuses to rename her dog, consider that a clue about how she prioritizes your feelings.
Planning Ahead Helps Families Achieve a Peaceful End to Life
DEAR ABBY: It was about 3 a.m. The call came in as a signal 14. In laymen's terms, it means someone died. A 47-year-old, terminally ill woman had succumbed to stomach cancer. The call was close to the station so we beat the ambulance to the scene.
When we arrived, it seemed like her entire extended family was there. As we were about to enter the bedroom, the daughter asked if we were there to pick up her mother. We asked if they had DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) papers. She said yes, but they were at the hospital. Instead of starting CPR (which is what we are supposed to do when the DNR papers are not present), our paramedic called medical control, the doctor in charge of our service. Fortunately, he agreed that CPR should not begin.
Abby, this scenario has happened more than once, and I am getting a little angry. My anger is toward the system that sometimes puts family and loved ones between a rock and a hard place. The hospital and doctor know that a copy of the DNR papers has to be with the patient at all times or they technically don't exist. Instead of letting their mother die in peace, that family almost experienced the sight of her receiving advanced care life support. For anyone who is not aware, this is far more than giving chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth. She would have had a tube down her throat to aid in breathing, a succession of body-wrenching shocks would have been given, IV lines, drugs, etc.
When my stepfather lost his battle with lung cancer, my mother had worked everything out in advance with the hospice facility. All she had to do was call hospice, and they sent a medical examiner to pick him up. No ambulance. No fire truck. Just a peaceful, dignified way to deal with a very traumatic situation.
Everyone will have to deal with this situation at some time or another. Please, Abby, tell your readers that when this happens to them, or to someone they know, to make sure they know the right things to do. -- CARING FIREFIGHTER IN TEXAS
DEAR FIREFIGHTER: You have taken care of that -- and graphically, I might add. Although some people want every effort made to be resuscitated, many do not. Those who do not should keep in mind your warning that for their wishes to be obeyed, they must be written down, discussed with family members and doctors, and copies must be readily available. Thank you for your urgent reminder.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Bob" for seven months. We're both 25. I am in love with him. He is changing jobs and moving out of state in four months. I want to get married and start a family, but any mention of the word "marriage" makes him very nervous. He says he loves me -- that I am "perfect" for him -- but he doesn't want me to move out of state with him. He says he can't ask me to make that commitment because he's not sure what he wants.
Do you think I'm wasting my time with Bob, or should I give him more time and hope he changes his mind? -- COLORADO LADY IN WAITING
DEAR COLORADO LADY: I admire his honesty, and whether this has been a waste of time remains to be seen. Absence can make the heart grow fonder, so give him time to realize how much he cares for you and misses you.
If, three months after he moves, you see no change in attitude and he's still nervous at the mention of marriage, start looking for a man who is not afraid of commitment.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Who Got Eyeful Gets an Earful From Her Friends
DEAR ABBY: I am a 66-year-old woman, married 48 years. We own a family farm not far from our home, which we share with our daughter and her husband, who are in their 40s. We are a close family and always have been. The farmhouse is old and has never been updated, so my son-in-law has built a shower outside. He works hard when we are there, mowing, etc., and the shower works better for him than a tub bath.
Recently I was sitting in a lawn chair not too far from the shower, and he came in from hours on the tractor in the hot sun and commented that he was going to take a shower. I didn't think he meant just then, but looked up to see him naked in the water. I didn't really mind -- I wasn't offended. Besides, he's a good-looking man, and I'm happy for my daughter. He obviously didn't mind and wasn't the least bit inhibited.
I later mentioned the incident to a group of my friends when we were discussing in-laws. They were very upset with me. They called me a "voyeur" and said I should have excused myself immediately.
Help, Abby. What have I done wrong? -- CONFUSED IN HOUSTON
DEAR CONFUSED: You blabbed the story to your friends. Everything was just fine until then. It's a wise person who learns from her mistakes.
DEAR ABBY: I hope my letter will benefit others.
I am going to be 50 next year, and recently started a job in a 22-story office building. I have never been self-motivated when it comes to exercise. However, I recently hit on the idea of using the stairwell in my office building to get regular exercise, and it is working out very well.
I arrive at work half an hour early and change into shorts and a T-shirt in the washroom. Then I go to the stairwell, and walk up all 22 stories, take the freight elevator down to the bottom and do it again. Sometimes I do it a third time if I have the time and energy to spare. Just walking up gets my heart really pumping, so I thought your readers might appreciate this idea. It's cost-free, convenient and not time-consuming -- unlike going to the club after work.
Because I don't perspire much, I just wipe myself down with a wet paper towel, dry myself with another one, change my underwear, get dressed and go in to work. I am so awake and alive by the time I start the day -- I recommend this to anyone.
The challenge each day is whether I can do it faster than the day before, and there is a real sense of accomplishment when I reach the top. I feel this would not be the case if I just ran around the block a couple of times. -- FIT AND HAPPY IN TORONTO
DEAR F AND H: I commend you for your commitment to personal fitness. However, your regimen could be dangerous to anyone with an undiagnosed heart condition. Those who decide to try it should first consult their doctor about having a stress test.
May I also suggest that most people who exercise strenuously tend to perspire profusely (perhaps more than you think) -- and a sponge bath with a damp paper towel may not be enough to deal with the problem. Out of consideration for your fellow employees, perhaps you should consider running the stairs after work instead of before to avoid the possibility of offending anyone. (Whew!)
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)