Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Playing With Fire Can Have Deadly Serious Consequences
DEAR ABBY: It's almost the end of the summer school break, and students who haven't returned to classes may be bored or curious and do something as ignorant and foolish as I did long ago.
Now retired, I was a teacher and administrative assistant. Once, however, I was very heedless and stupid. I have never told this to anyone.
One afternoon, when I was about 12, I was bored to tears. I was in a small study room in a private academy, and somebody had left a book of matches nearby. (This was in the era when smoking anywhere and everywhere was perfectly acceptable.) I had been doodling on some paper and didn't like what I had done, so I tore up the paper. A large ashtray caught my eye -- and I thought, "I'll just pile the scraps in the ashtray, set them on fire, and watch them crumple into ashes like in the movies when someone burns a picture or letter from someone he's angry at!"
To my horror, I found that life is not like a scene in the movies. The little pieces of burning paper quickly scattered red-hot fiery ashes, propelled by some unseen air currents in the room (not expected). I tried stomping them out. The tiny pile of scraps flamed higher, rapidly getting out of control. I became terrified that something else would catch fire and possibly harm someone.
Madly stomping, I finally had the presence of mind to throw a nearby tin pencil box cover on the burning papers in the ashtray. The flames subsided and nothing else was set on fire. However, after that occasion, never did I ever want to strike a match or burn anything. I had learned my lesson, and thank the Lord, neither I nor others were hurt.
The most deadly fires have been started by "children playing with matches." Please, parents, talk to your children. Teach them fire safety and how a fire behaves. Fire is NOT a toy! Take them to your local fire station and have them meet the firefighters. Even let them see how terrible a burn can be in a hospital, where they may also cheer or give a lift to children injured by fire.
I was very lucky. Someone else may not be so fortunate. Please emphasize fire safety and the serious consequences of not treating fire with respect. -- EXTREMELY REPENTANT IN BOSTON
DEAR EXTREMELY REPENTANT: This is the worst forest fire season in half a century in some parts of the country, so thank you for the timely reminder. Children are curious, and they can also be mischievous (surprise!) -- and any parents who haven't discussed fire safety with their families should waste no time in doing so. Too many lives, homes and possession have gone up in smoke because of carelessness or ignorance.
DEAR ABBY: My friends and I have been having a discussion about weddings and how to properly wear your wedding ring. I say the engagement ring comes off before the ceremony, and after the ceremony, the engagement ring goes back on in front of the wedding band. Some of my friends agree with me and others do not.
Can you please tell us which way is the proper way to wear your wedding ring? -- SANDI IN JEROME, IDAHO
DEAR SANDI: The wedding ring is worn closest to your heart. The engagement rings serves as a "guard" for the wedding ring and is worn on the outside.
Widow Never Dreamed She'd Be in Such Nightly Distress
DEAR ABBY: Here's a new twist to what I believe is an old story. Four years ago, my husband (Jim) passed away, leaving me a widow. A year later, Jim's sister passed away, leaving her husband (John) a widower.
John and I were always good friends, and for three years now we have enjoyed an intimate, compatible friendship. Not unusual, for according to Jewish tradition, a surviving brother-in-law cared for the surviving sister-in-law.
My problem: In many of my anguished dreams, John's wife appears, reclaiming her relationship with John. She asks me what I'm doing in John's bed! While my husband Jim would be more understanding, John's wife wants what was once hers! We argue back and forth over our individual women's rights, while John sits back and says nothing. Eventually, I capitulate! Can you tell me why?
Am I a female milksop? Does being 78 have anything to do with it? How can I dream myself out of this? -- LADY IN L.A.
DEAR LADY: You can't, so let's look at this with our eyes wide open. As much as you enjoy the relationship with your former brother-in-law, I suspect you unconsciously feel some guilt about it. You know his wife wouldn't approve. And because he hasn't made a formal commitment to you, in a sense he still belongs to her. ("He just sits there and says nothing.") I find it interesting that at the end of the dream you "capitulate." Perhaps deep down you feel he will always be hers and never yours.
Instead of trying to "dream" your way out of it, have a talk with John and describe the dream in detail. Then ask him if the relationship is going anywhere. The dream is less important than what's going on in the clear light of day.
DEAR ABBY: I have been working full-time since I was 18. I am now 35. I just left my job as a recruiter where I worked for three years, and have been doing some administrative temp jobs. My problem is nothing seems to excite or fulfill me anymore. I'm not afraid to work hard, but I'm not sure of what kind of work I want to do now.
I have done many different things in the past. I have had my own computer service business, done administrative assisting, been a recruiter. Is something wrong with me? I feel lost right now because I can't pinpoint what I want to do next.
My husband is very supportive. We can survive on his salary, but I have to do something. We have no children yet. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- CHRISTIE IN SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR CHRISTIE: There is nothing wrong with you, so stop worrying. Career counseling and testing to discover untapped interests and aptitudes could be very helpful. Many colleges and universities offer such programs. Also, since you are not under pressure economically, consider doing some volunteer work to widen your interests, or taking some adult education classes.
Please let me hear from you in six months. I predict you'll be doing something you enjoy.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Transsexuals Want to Be Seen as People, Not as 'Mistakes'
DEAR ABBY: I have recently "come out" to my family for who I really am -- a transsexual. I have felt this way as long as I can remember. At 26, I could no longer hide myself and, after seeing a therapist, I have begun the process of changing my gender. Some members of my family support me. However, my father and grandparents are staunchly against this. They say they will not accept it because to do so would be to admit that God makes mistakes.
Abby, I am not a "mistake," and neither are others like me. I have had tests, and they confirm that this is genetic. In no way do I think that God makes mistakes. God made me this way, and I must deal with it in the way that makes me happiest. Since I have come out, I have been happier than I have ever been, and I plan to finish my transition over the next few years.
Every move I have made on this journey has been considerate of those around me, changing gradually rather than shocking them by completely altering my appearance overnight.
Could you please help me educate my family and others who know so little about what the transgendered community goes through? We struggle to lead normal lives and try to be productive in society. We are teachers, lawyers, doctors and office workers. As few as we are, we are not mistakes as my father claims. Still, we face prejudice on a daily
basis. We need our families to stand behind us as we make our way through this challenging journey. Please, Abby, help educate people to see that we are just like them. -- TRANSGENDERED IN CHICAGO
DEAR TRANSGENDERED: You are not a mistake. Followed to its logical conclusion, your father's attitude would make the entire medical profession unnecessary. Transsexualism is inborn. Children as young as 3 have insisted that their true gender is not their birth gender. I congratulate you for being honest about who you are, knowing it might be difficult for some people to understand. I also applaud those family members who support you.
The usual gender transition involves a period of psychotherapy to consider all of the ramifications, followed by hormonal therapy, and then living full-time in the new gender for at least a year before seeking sexual reassignment surgery.
This is not an easy process for the transsexual person, nor for the family. Parents often experience many of the same emotions that occur in the grief process -- shock, anger, denial, guilt, sadness, and finally acceptance. Learning to use the new name is difficult; new pronouns are even harder. All of this takes time and commitment, but is a necessary part of the process.
Loving parents who want their child to be happy must learn to be accepting. Many transsexuals live very successfully in their new gender, and claim they are truly happy for the first time in their lives. Many families are proud of their "new" sons and daughters and report their relationships have vastly improved since their child's transition.
I would urge any family in this situation to contact PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). They have many resources available for transgendered people and their families. Their mailing address is: PFLAG, 1726 M Street, NW, Washington, DC 20036 and the Web address is www.pflag.org.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)