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Transsexuals Want to Be Seen as People, Not as 'Mistakes'
DEAR ABBY: I have recently "come out" to my family for who I really am -- a transsexual. I have felt this way as long as I can remember. At 26, I could no longer hide myself and, after seeing a therapist, I have begun the process of changing my gender. Some members of my family support me. However, my father and grandparents are staunchly against this. They say they will not accept it because to do so would be to admit that God makes mistakes.
Abby, I am not a "mistake," and neither are others like me. I have had tests, and they confirm that this is genetic. In no way do I think that God makes mistakes. God made me this way, and I must deal with it in the way that makes me happiest. Since I have come out, I have been happier than I have ever been, and I plan to finish my transition over the next few years.
Every move I have made on this journey has been considerate of those around me, changing gradually rather than shocking them by completely altering my appearance overnight.
Could you please help me educate my family and others who know so little about what the transgendered community goes through? We struggle to lead normal lives and try to be productive in society. We are teachers, lawyers, doctors and office workers. As few as we are, we are not mistakes as my father claims. Still, we face prejudice on a daily
basis. We need our families to stand behind us as we make our way through this challenging journey. Please, Abby, help educate people to see that we are just like them. -- TRANSGENDERED IN CHICAGO
DEAR TRANSGENDERED: You are not a mistake. Followed to its logical conclusion, your father's attitude would make the entire medical profession unnecessary. Transsexualism is inborn. Children as young as 3 have insisted that their true gender is not their birth gender. I congratulate you for being honest about who you are, knowing it might be difficult for some people to understand. I also applaud those family members who support you.
The usual gender transition involves a period of psychotherapy to consider all of the ramifications, followed by hormonal therapy, and then living full-time in the new gender for at least a year before seeking sexual reassignment surgery.
This is not an easy process for the transsexual person, nor for the family. Parents often experience many of the same emotions that occur in the grief process -- shock, anger, denial, guilt, sadness, and finally acceptance. Learning to use the new name is difficult; new pronouns are even harder. All of this takes time and commitment, but is a necessary part of the process.
Loving parents who want their child to be happy must learn to be accepting. Many transsexuals live very successfully in their new gender, and claim they are truly happy for the first time in their lives. Many families are proud of their "new" sons and daughters and report their relationships have vastly improved since their child's transition.
I would urge any family in this situation to contact PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). They have many resources available for transgendered people and their families. Their mailing address is: PFLAG, 1726 M Street, NW, Washington, DC 20036 and the Web address is www.pflag.org.
Aunt Welcomes Big Family but Not All Their Friends
DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman (no children) who hosts several family parties during the year. I have six brothers and sisters. All are married, and they have a total of 16 children. Everyone in the family is invited to these family get-togethers -- and I used to looking forward to seeing them. The problem is, my brother's five children each bring a boyfriend or girlfriend. I never know when these "extra five" people are coming, and it makes planning a party difficult. (If all the nieces and nephews started bringing their friends, there would be 32 children!)
My brother never tells me that their kids' friends are coming -- and when they do come, they socialize only with each other. When I was a teen-ager, if we did not want to attend a family gathering, we stayed home; we did not invite our friends. Isn't it inconsiderate to bring uninvited guests to someone's home?
My mother tells me not to say anything, just to be happy we all get together and get along. My feeling is if others approve of uninvited guests at their parties, that is their decision. I believe it is my choice who attends a party I host. Do you think I am being old-fashioned? -- IRRITATED AUNT IN OHIO
DEAR IRRITATED: There's nothing old-fashioned about good manners. Inform your siblings you would prefer that your parties be "family only" -- then relax the rule once a year and make it an open house where everyone is invited.
You are fortunate to have a large, loving family. Not everyone is so blessed.
DEAR ABBY: I am trying to find out what "business casual" means. The dress code for men has just changed in my office, and ties and suits are now optional. Most wear dress shirts and khaki pants. Some men are sporting necklaces. Where do you draw the line? -- FASHION-CONFUSED IN L.A.
DEAR FASHION-CONFUSED: You've asked an intelligent question. Everyone would be better served if some guidelines were issued. The problem lies in the hesitance of many employers to issue a specific dress code, which has left many people confused. What is or is not acceptable attire is a line that must be drawn by the employers.
Whether employees wear a suit and tie, slacks and a sport coat, or khakis and a casual shirt, attire in the workplace should always look neat and professional. While some employers feel that casual dress improves productivity, I have received mail from readers telling me just the opposite.
DEAR ABBY: My brother has asked me to be his best man. The problem is, I am not a man -- I am a girl. I am honored to have been asked, but I don't know what to wear. I don't want to wear what the bridesmaids are wearing because I will look like I walked the wrong way or something. Are there tuxedos for women? -- STUCK IN FRANKLIN, TENN.
DEAR STUCK: Yes, there are elegant tuxedos for women -- some with pants and some with skirts. If the wedding isn't formal, a simple, elegant dinner suit would also be appropriate. Ask your brother and future sister-in-law which they would prefer.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Motorcyclists Are Vulnerable in Ways That Drivers Are Not
DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Worried Mom," who opposed her son buying a motorcycle. You agreed with the father, who thought "Ray" old and responsible enough to make his own decisions.
On May 30, I buried my son, Tommy. He was only 28, but he spent the last eight years of life in a bed or wheelchair -- unable to talk, walk, eat, etc. He wore diapers instead of jeans. A trachea tube protruded from his throat and a feeding tube dangled from his abdomen. The brain injury my precious son incurred when his motorcycle collided with a van left him in a persistent vegetative state.
His friends and family abandoned him; his father and I grew old and exhausted from the daily struggle to preserve his life and protect his dignity. It was a nightmare of suffering and horror -- a walk through hell. Now Tommy is gone; we continue to struggle with pain and loss that will last a lifetime.
Being "mature and responsible" is no protection in the event of an accident. Cyclists are far more vulnerable and at risk of death and injury than occupants of an enclosed vehicle.
Tell "Worried Mom" to trust her feelings and stick to her guns. Her worries are valid. As long as her son lives under her roof, she has every right to veto his choice. I'll spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn't say "no" to my son. (You may print my name.) -- LAURA BURBACK, ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR LAURA: I offer my deepest sympathy for the tragedy that befell your son. The responses to that letter have been 90 percent in agreement with your opinion on this issue. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I strongly disagree with your advice to "Ray's" parents to let him get a motorcycle. When my son was 16, he wanted a motorcycle. I was hesitant and mentioned my fears to a doctor at UCLA. He said: "Just send your son to me. I'll take him through the wards and show him all of the boys there with broken backs, broken necks, broken everything. Most of them will never walk again. A motorcycle has no bumpers; it's just out there waiting to be demolished."
My son didn't get a motorcycle and is now in his 40s with his bones and all his faculties intact. -- POLLY FLEMING, LOS ANGELES
DEAR POLLY: At this point, I regret having endorsed the young man's decision. However, the man in the original letter was 22, not 16. In fairness to the "opposition" -- read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was impressed with your advice to the mother of the 22-year-old who wanted a motorcycle. I was also pleased to read your closing line, " ... pray that your son will be one of the thousands of motorcyclists who ride safely." Bravo for you, Abby! While motorcycling can pose greater risks than driving a car, for example, thousands DO ride safely every day. Your reader's son took the first step by enrolling in a motorcycle safety course. By learning to identify your risks, you can also learn to avoid them.
The American Motorcyclist Association (AMA), motorcycling's largest organization and lobbying group, strongly recommends and supports safety training for enthusiasts of all abilities. The Motorcycle Safety Foundation (MSF) provides or sanctions training classes in all 50 states; the (unofficial) motto is "minimize the risk/maximize the fun."
For information on the AMA or locating MSF courses, readers may call 1-800-262-5646. Thank you again for dispensing such thoughtful and open-minded advice. -- ERIK NOTTLESON, AMA LIFE MEMBER, JAMAICA PLAIN, MASS.
DEAR ERIK: I'm printing your letter so that all who are determined to engage in this risky pastime can, at least, prepare themselves as well as possible to avoid injury.
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