For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
'Personal Touch' in Sex Ad Gives Octogenarian a Laugh
DEAR ABBY: Last month, your column carried a letter about people receiving advertisements for weight-loss products with supposedly "personal" Post-It notes attached, advising the recipient to "Try it, it works!" The notes are never signed with more than an initial. I immediately wrote to thank you for running that letter because I received one of those ads two years ago, and it was hurtful.
Would you believe yet another one of those ads arrived in the mail yesterday? This time it is for a product that will purportedly ignite a man's sexual performance, but the Post-It was omitted. Written in ballpoint pen in the margin was the same little message, signed with the initial "R." Am I supposed to know who "R" is?
What makes this latest mailing laughable is that I am an 86-year-old single woman who has been without a mate for almost 12 years. What do I need this for?
The advertisement featured a picture of a man who is supposed to be a doctor, and a California postmark -- but, of course, no return address. So much for this "amazing formula ... a magical combination of the world's most potent and scientifically documented male sexual restorers."
Dare I hope that you can give this topic more publicity so these ridiculous ads will stop? -- CONCERNED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for sending me the ad. The text reminded me of a bodice-ripper novel. What a hoot!
Things that seem too good to be true often are too good to be true. Therefore, I don't recommend "miracle" products. I don't know whether this one will work or not; however, the one thing that product is sure to "inflate" is the manufacturer's bank balance.
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 57 years, who suffered from Alzheimer's disease, is gone now. I was her caretaker until the day before she passed away. Sometimes she would do things that made me angry and I would raise my voice to her. I knew she was not responsible for her actions.
How I wish that instead of raising my voice, I had given her a big hug and told her, "It's all right." I will regret to my dying day that I didn't show her more love and compassion.
Abby, had I known then how I would feel now, I would have hugged her from the time she woke up until she went to sleep. I would like to tell all those who have a partner or a loved one who is incapacitated to love them and adore them even if they don't appear to respond to your love. Please don't wait until it's too late. -- BROKENHEARTED HUSBAND
DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Caring for a loved one who cannot give back is bound to try anyone's patience. You are only human with limited emotional resources, and that you occasionally raised your voice is not unforgivable. Please forgive yourself. I'm sure your love overshadowed your lapses. You showed her your love by caring for her steadfastly and apparently lovingly.
Today, it is understood that full-time caregiving can stress people to the breaking point, and caregivers are encouraged to take a break now and then to replenish their souls. Caregivers can be more effective if they can get away for a rest. Services to caregivers are available; the Alzheimer's Association is an excellent resource.
Perhaps others who are now in the situation you were in could benefit from your experience. You might consider volunteering with your local Alzheimer's group.
DRESS CODE HELPS SWIMMING INSTRUCTORS AVOID EMBARRASSMENT
DEAR ABBY: I'm sure you'll get a lot of mail about the letter from the man who was accused of sexual harassment after he commented that the bathing suit his child's instructor was wearing had become transparent.
I agree the father should have discussed the transparent suit with his wife or another woman for guidance. You are right; the woman would have nipped the "problem" immediately. However, as a former water safety instructor for the American Red Cross, and a former pool manager at the Piedmont Park Pool for several years (1983-86), I feel the need to comment.
Certified swimming instructors take their jobs seriously. If they do not, they should be dismissed. Their job is to teach water safety to children, adolescents and adults. Women and men learn at a young age which colors become transparent due to contact with water; it is safe to say that light-colored suits (white, tan and yellow) are inappropriate for lifeguards or swimming instructors.
All of that said, I blame the parents (today's society always blames the parents) for allowing their 17-year-old daughter to wear a transparent suit while teaching. Second, I blame her employer for not providing guidance -- a dress code -- as to what is acceptable swimwear. Young women on my staff knew to wear dark-colored suits. The suits had to be functional, not cut high at the legs or low at the chest. The uniform code helped to prevent distraction due to dress -- or lack of it. This would have saved the well-meaning parent, who happened to be male, embarrassment.
My advice to the father: Find another instructor for your daughter and another aquatic facility with a swimming program where safety is the No. 1 job description. -- LAURA E. DeMARS, ATLANTA
DEAR LAURA: You have written a sensible letter -- and believe me, I received fire and brimstone from readers who thought my answer was sexist for not taking the young woman to task. However, one letter in particular did not. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like you to know that the young swimming instructor was NOT wearing a transparent suit, but rather a Speedo one-piece. It is the type worn by almost all girls who take part in swimming competition or instruction. The "problem" was not the suit -- it was that she was cold. Even though the dad distorted the facts, he still didn't get the verification he was seeking. His actions were inappropriate and humiliating to the girl. In the future, he should pay attention to his daughter instead of the instructor. Thank you. -- PROUD UNCLE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR PROUD UNCLE: Thank YOU.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's late wife died of pancreatic cancer in 1987. We were married in 1989 and have enjoyed a wonderful life except for one thing: He carries two pictures of her in his wallet.
It's been gnawing at me. Should I just ignore it as I have for the past 11 years, or ask him to remove the pictures? I will do as you advise. -- JUST JULIE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR JUST JULIE: Without anger or criticism, share your feelings with your husband. He may not have any idea how you feel. Tell him you respect his paying tribute to his deceased wife by carrying her photos, but that it would delight you to know he is also carrying pictures of you.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, your readers were reminded to never leave their dogs and other pets inside cars during the warm summer months. In that vein, I would like to bring to your attention a more common practice than some would think: children left in the car by well-meaning parents during a hectic day of running errands or driving the kids to various activities.
Since 1998, the New Jersey Department of Human Services has promoted the "Not Even for a Minute" campaign, which warns against the dangers of leaving children in a car alone. Window decals and posters distributed through day-care centers, schools, police stations, retailers, the AAA and new car dealers remind parents not to leave their children in cars, "Not Even for a Minute."
Children's health experts warn that on a breezy day with the outside temperature only in the low 70s, a closed automobile can heat up to 125 degrees within 15 minutes. Even with the windows cracked, a small child can dehydrate within minutes. The result can be deadly, as the family of a 13-month-old baby in New Jersey recently learned.
Whatever the season, leaving children alone in cars is risky. In less than a minute, a child can climb out of a car seat and shift the car into gear. And it takes only a minute for someone to break into a vehicle and abduct a child.
It's easy to underestimate the time a child will be left alone in an automobile. We've all had the experience of finding ourselves standing in the unexpected line or of running into someone we know, having a conversation and losing track of time.
Abby, please urge your readers to make themselves a promise: When you walk away from your car, take your child, too. It takes only a minute. -- MICHELE K. GUHL, COMMISSIONER, NEW JERSEY DEPARTMENT OF HUMAN SERVICES
DEAR MICHELE: Thank you for an important letter. There is nothing more precious than a child's life. I hope all parents heed your warning -- and other states initiate similar campaigns.
DEAR ABBY: Last January, my boss promised to give me a raise for taking on a new responsibility at work. This responsibility involved taking a class away from home, which I completed.
Now that I've taken the class and am doing the work, he tells me there is no money in the budget for the promised raise (even though he just bought a new vehicle for the office) and says I'm doing the work anyway -- so why should I get the raise?
Should I refuse to do any more work associated with this added responsibility, or just keep doing it and hope for the best later on? -- TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF IN KANSAS
DEAR TAKEN: You'd be wise to look for another job. Your employer is ethically challenged, and it's unrealistic to hope he'll change "later on." If you opt to remain with this company and your boss makes any more promises, get them in writing.
DEAR ABBY: How do you know when a guy is thinking about marriage? What sign should I be looking for? -- WANNA-BE WIFE, NORTH PROVIDENCE, R.I.
DEAR WANNA-BE: An engagement ring.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)