Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
DRESS CODE HELPS SWIMMING INSTRUCTORS AVOID EMBARRASSMENT
DEAR ABBY: I'm sure you'll get a lot of mail about the letter from the man who was accused of sexual harassment after he commented that the bathing suit his child's instructor was wearing had become transparent.
I agree the father should have discussed the transparent suit with his wife or another woman for guidance. You are right; the woman would have nipped the "problem" immediately. However, as a former water safety instructor for the American Red Cross, and a former pool manager at the Piedmont Park Pool for several years (1983-86), I feel the need to comment.
Certified swimming instructors take their jobs seriously. If they do not, they should be dismissed. Their job is to teach water safety to children, adolescents and adults. Women and men learn at a young age which colors become transparent due to contact with water; it is safe to say that light-colored suits (white, tan and yellow) are inappropriate for lifeguards or swimming instructors.
All of that said, I blame the parents (today's society always blames the parents) for allowing their 17-year-old daughter to wear a transparent suit while teaching. Second, I blame her employer for not providing guidance -- a dress code -- as to what is acceptable swimwear. Young women on my staff knew to wear dark-colored suits. The suits had to be functional, not cut high at the legs or low at the chest. The uniform code helped to prevent distraction due to dress -- or lack of it. This would have saved the well-meaning parent, who happened to be male, embarrassment.
My advice to the father: Find another instructor for your daughter and another aquatic facility with a swimming program where safety is the No. 1 job description. -- LAURA E. DeMARS, ATLANTA
DEAR LAURA: You have written a sensible letter -- and believe me, I received fire and brimstone from readers who thought my answer was sexist for not taking the young woman to task. However, one letter in particular did not. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like you to know that the young swimming instructor was NOT wearing a transparent suit, but rather a Speedo one-piece. It is the type worn by almost all girls who take part in swimming competition or instruction. The "problem" was not the suit -- it was that she was cold. Even though the dad distorted the facts, he still didn't get the verification he was seeking. His actions were inappropriate and humiliating to the girl. In the future, he should pay attention to his daughter instead of the instructor. Thank you. -- PROUD UNCLE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR PROUD UNCLE: Thank YOU.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's late wife died of pancreatic cancer in 1987. We were married in 1989 and have enjoyed a wonderful life except for one thing: He carries two pictures of her in his wallet.
It's been gnawing at me. Should I just ignore it as I have for the past 11 years, or ask him to remove the pictures? I will do as you advise. -- JUST JULIE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR JUST JULIE: Without anger or criticism, share your feelings with your husband. He may not have any idea how you feel. Tell him you respect his paying tribute to his deceased wife by carrying her photos, but that it would delight you to know he is also carrying pictures of you.
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, your readers were reminded to never leave their dogs and other pets inside cars during the warm summer months. In that vein, I would like to bring to your attention a more common practice than some would think: children left in the car by well-meaning parents during a hectic day of running errands or driving the kids to various activities.
Since 1998, the New Jersey Department of Human Services has promoted the "Not Even for a Minute" campaign, which warns against the dangers of leaving children in a car alone. Window decals and posters distributed through day-care centers, schools, police stations, retailers, the AAA and new car dealers remind parents not to leave their children in cars, "Not Even for a Minute."
Children's health experts warn that on a breezy day with the outside temperature only in the low 70s, a closed automobile can heat up to 125 degrees within 15 minutes. Even with the windows cracked, a small child can dehydrate within minutes. The result can be deadly, as the family of a 13-month-old baby in New Jersey recently learned.
Whatever the season, leaving children alone in cars is risky. In less than a minute, a child can climb out of a car seat and shift the car into gear. And it takes only a minute for someone to break into a vehicle and abduct a child.
It's easy to underestimate the time a child will be left alone in an automobile. We've all had the experience of finding ourselves standing in the unexpected line or of running into someone we know, having a conversation and losing track of time.
Abby, please urge your readers to make themselves a promise: When you walk away from your car, take your child, too. It takes only a minute. -- MICHELE K. GUHL, COMMISSIONER, NEW JERSEY DEPARTMENT OF HUMAN SERVICES
DEAR MICHELE: Thank you for an important letter. There is nothing more precious than a child's life. I hope all parents heed your warning -- and other states initiate similar campaigns.
DEAR ABBY: Last January, my boss promised to give me a raise for taking on a new responsibility at work. This responsibility involved taking a class away from home, which I completed.
Now that I've taken the class and am doing the work, he tells me there is no money in the budget for the promised raise (even though he just bought a new vehicle for the office) and says I'm doing the work anyway -- so why should I get the raise?
Should I refuse to do any more work associated with this added responsibility, or just keep doing it and hope for the best later on? -- TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF IN KANSAS
DEAR TAKEN: You'd be wise to look for another job. Your employer is ethically challenged, and it's unrealistic to hope he'll change "later on." If you opt to remain with this company and your boss makes any more promises, get them in writing.
DEAR ABBY: How do you know when a guy is thinking about marriage? What sign should I be looking for? -- WANNA-BE WIFE, NORTH PROVIDENCE, R.I.
DEAR WANNA-BE: An engagement ring.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Young Couple's Separation Can Be Education for Both
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my girlfriend for six months. We have a close relationship and are deeply in love. She is going away to college this fall. The school is two hours from our hometown. We had a talk about what we are going to do when school begins. She wants to break up with me because we won't see each other as often. I personally believe we can work it out.
How can I convince her that we should remain a couple? In my heart, I feel we are meant for each other. --HEARTBROKEN IN HAWTHORNE, CALIF.
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: If you want to keep the lines of communication open with your girlfriend, do not pressure her into an exclusive relationship when she goes off to college. She wants the entire "college experience," to meet new people and not feel tied down. It is a healthy attitude -- for both of you.
Couples in love give each other the freedom to be themselves. To do otherwise is controlling, and people run away from those who make them feel smothered. If you are meant for each other, you can get together when she comes home on weekends and holidays. She will be far more interested in seeing you if you have not made her feel guilty about other men with whom she may have seen a movie or gone for coffee.
While she's gone, think of new ways to broaden YOUR life. This should be a period of exciting growth for both of you.
DEAR ABBY: I am an income tax accountant. During the past two years, I have encountered several widows and widowers who are unaware that they qualify for Social Security benefits at age 60. This is true even though they may have been divorced from their spouse at the time of his or her death.
Is there any way you can spread the message? -- CHUCK IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR CHUCK: Absolutely. This comes right out of the Social Security Handbook:
If you are divorced, you can receive benefits on your ex-husband's (or wife's) Social Security record if he (or she) is receiving Social Security benefits (or is deceased) and your marriage lasted 10 years or longer; you are presently unmarried; and you are age 62 or older. (If he or she is deceased, you can collect benefits at age 60; age 50 if you become disabled.)
Those who feel they may qualify for benefits or have other questions about Social Security should contact the nearest Social Security office, or call 1-800-772-1213. The deaf or hard-of-hearing may call a toll-free TTY number: 1-800-325-0778. The Web site is www.ssa.gov.
DEAR ABBY: In your reply to "Sneezing in New Jersey," who asked if it was OK to blow one's nose at the table, you replied, "... if the nose-blower sounds like the first blast of Gideon's trumpet ..."
Abby! The name of the archangel messenger of God who blew the trumpet is Gabriel, not Gideon. Gideon was a judge. Just thought you would want to know. -- SARA IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR SARA: Not to be tooting my own horn, but I wasn't wrong. Gideon was a liberator as well as a judge. In Chapter 7 in the Old Testament book of Judges, Gideon leads a force of 300 men against the Midianites. Gideon and his men blow trumpets as they attack, which makes it seem as though a huge army surrounds the Midianites -- who flee in terror.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)