Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Young Couple's Separation Can Be Education for Both
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my girlfriend for six months. We have a close relationship and are deeply in love. She is going away to college this fall. The school is two hours from our hometown. We had a talk about what we are going to do when school begins. She wants to break up with me because we won't see each other as often. I personally believe we can work it out.
How can I convince her that we should remain a couple? In my heart, I feel we are meant for each other. --HEARTBROKEN IN HAWTHORNE, CALIF.
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: If you want to keep the lines of communication open with your girlfriend, do not pressure her into an exclusive relationship when she goes off to college. She wants the entire "college experience," to meet new people and not feel tied down. It is a healthy attitude -- for both of you.
Couples in love give each other the freedom to be themselves. To do otherwise is controlling, and people run away from those who make them feel smothered. If you are meant for each other, you can get together when she comes home on weekends and holidays. She will be far more interested in seeing you if you have not made her feel guilty about other men with whom she may have seen a movie or gone for coffee.
While she's gone, think of new ways to broaden YOUR life. This should be a period of exciting growth for both of you.
DEAR ABBY: I am an income tax accountant. During the past two years, I have encountered several widows and widowers who are unaware that they qualify for Social Security benefits at age 60. This is true even though they may have been divorced from their spouse at the time of his or her death.
Is there any way you can spread the message? -- CHUCK IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR CHUCK: Absolutely. This comes right out of the Social Security Handbook:
If you are divorced, you can receive benefits on your ex-husband's (or wife's) Social Security record if he (or she) is receiving Social Security benefits (or is deceased) and your marriage lasted 10 years or longer; you are presently unmarried; and you are age 62 or older. (If he or she is deceased, you can collect benefits at age 60; age 50 if you become disabled.)
Those who feel they may qualify for benefits or have other questions about Social Security should contact the nearest Social Security office, or call 1-800-772-1213. The deaf or hard-of-hearing may call a toll-free TTY number: 1-800-325-0778. The Web site is www.ssa.gov.
DEAR ABBY: In your reply to "Sneezing in New Jersey," who asked if it was OK to blow one's nose at the table, you replied, "... if the nose-blower sounds like the first blast of Gideon's trumpet ..."
Abby! The name of the archangel messenger of God who blew the trumpet is Gabriel, not Gideon. Gideon was a judge. Just thought you would want to know. -- SARA IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR SARA: Not to be tooting my own horn, but I wasn't wrong. Gideon was a liberator as well as a judge. In Chapter 7 in the Old Testament book of Judges, Gideon leads a force of 300 men against the Midianites. Gideon and his men blow trumpets as they attack, which makes it seem as though a huge army surrounds the Midianites -- who flee in terror.
Woman Feels Trapped in Affair With Man Who Nobody Likes
DEAR ABBY: I'm in my late 30s and have no one to confide in. I couldn't find any available men, so last year I ended up having an affair with an unhappily married man. A few weeks later, his ex-wife kicked him out. I gladly took him in. I deeply regret not getting to know him first. His kids refuse to speak to me, and he doesn't want any more children.
My family dislikes him and warned me about getting involved in the first place. His relationship with his own family is poor, and he has no close friends.
I'm beginning to understand why he was unhappy in his marriage, but it's too late to give him back to his ex. I feel stuck with him because he left his family to be with me. I can't even leave because we're in my house. -- TRAPPED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TRAPPED: There are no good excuses for becoming involved with a married man, and believe me, I've heard them all. You have learned the hard way and are paying the price.
As I see it, you're far from "trapped." You both made a choice that you now realize was a blunder, but he's not your responsibility -- so don't compound your mistake. Ask him to leave.
DEAR ABBY: I am going to an evening wedding in a few weeks, and I have a question about proper attire.
My mother always told me not to wear white or black to a wedding, but that was 45 years ago. I have seen both at many weddings in the past 20 years.
After a long search for a dress to wear, I found a stunning black dress with a large, bold, red flower painted across the front and back. It fit and I bought it. Friends have agreed that because of the print, it is OK for this evening wedding, but I keep hearing my mother's voice. What is your opinion? -- VOICE FROM THE PAST
DEAR VOICE: Your mother's fashion advice may have been appropriate 45 years ago, but in the ensuing decades, the rules have relaxed. While I would not advise anyone to wear white to a wedding -- unless specifically instructed to do so -- it is now acceptable to wear black. Enjoy the dress. It sounds lovely.
DEAR ABBY: I am getting married in a couple of months. Unfortunately, I am already having in-law problems. My future sister-in-law wants to invite 14 of her friends to our wedding. Our guest list is already too long for our budget. Even if we could afford it, I certainly don't want the church filled with people we don't know on our wedding day. (Nobody in my family wants to invite their friends.)
What should I do? My future sister-in-law is throwing a fit. -- READY TO ELOPE
DEAR READY: Your fiance must explain to his sister that if she wants to invite 14 people to a party, she should throw one at her place.
Let her have a fit, but draw a "line in the sand" and refuse to give in to her demands. Consider it an opportunity to establish that she will not be permitted to run your life or interfere with your marriage.
Best wishes for a long and happy marriage!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Old Mammogram Films Help Doctors Find Anything New
DEAR ABBY: I am a mammography technologist. Please help me tell mammogram patients how important it is for them to bring in their old mammogram films when they go to a new X-ray office for this test.
Only if the radiologist who reads the films has the old ones for comparison can he or she determine if the shadows are old or new. Without those films for comparison, the patient may have to undergo more mammography X-rays, and perhaps also a biopsy that might have been avoided had the old films been available to the doctor.
Because of changing insurance, it is not always possible for women to have mammograms done at the same place every time. A patient needs only to keep track of where her mammograms were taken so she can call and ask about the procedure for releasing the films to her. The films will be at the X-ray office where they were taken, not at her doctor's office. If she can't remember, her doctor should be able to tell her.
Don't let anyone tell you that mammograms aren't necessary! -- HOLLY GORDON, FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR HOLLY: Thank you for giving women this important reminder, and for giving me the opportunity to reprint these recommendations from the American Cancer Society for early breast cancer detection.
(1) Women age 40 and older should have a screening mammogram every year.
(2) Between the ages of 20 and 39, women should have a clinical breast exam by a health professional every three years. At age 40, women should have a breast exam by a health professional every year.
(3) Women age 20 or older should perform a breast self-exam (BSE) every month.
(4) If a change occurs, a woman should see her health provider as soon as possible for evaluation.
The American Cancer Society can provide free information on how to perform a BSE by calling (800) 227-2345. You will be referred to your nearest ACS office.
DEAR ABBY: My grandmother lives close to where I work. Sometimes I stop off and have lunch with her, get her groceries, keep up the yard and do a little work around her house. The problem is, she wants to pay me for everything I do. She's not rich, but she's not poor either.
Last week, I vacuumed her basement because she didn't want the furnace man to see it dirty. She slipped me a $20 bill, I refused to take it. She shoved it into my pants pocket and said that if I didn't help her, who would?
I'm uncomfortable taking her money because she's helped other family members her whole life. I feel it's only right to return the favor. How should I handle this? -- LUCKY GRANDSON
DEAR LUCKY: You are fortunate to have such a generous grandmother -- and she's blessed to have a caring grandson like you.
Your grandmother has a lot of pride. Instilled in her generation was the conviction that you "pay your way" in the world. I understand your hesitation, but take the money. Consider applying part of it to something she might enjoy -- a newspaper or magazine subscription, a recording of her favorite music, a prepaid telephone card -- something she might not buy for herself.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)