To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sisters, Mom Hold Winning Hands for Weekend Getaway
DEAR ABBY: Once a year, my mom, my two sisters and I go away for an "all-girl" weekend without husbands and children. We love this tradition and get along great.
My problem is the past few years we have gone to a casino. My sisters and mom love to gamble, but I don't enjoy it as much as they do. I get headaches when I'm in the casino for any length of time, and find myself spending money just to be around them. I've told them how I feel about the casino atmosphere, but it hasn't made a difference.
This year I suggested we go somewhere that doesn't have gambling, but one of my sisters insists that this is her only chance to gamble, so she wants to go somewhere that has a casino. For some of us, this getaway weekend is our only chance to see each other. If I say I don't want to go, I'll miss out on our reunion. If I go, I'll be miserable. Any suggestions? -- MIFFED SIS IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIF.
DEAR MIFFED: An official vote is in order. State your case clearly, as you have for me. If you're outnumbered and the gang wants to plan next year's trip to another casino, ask them to at least make some compromise on the amount of time spent gambling and mixing in some other entertainment during the weekend.
Keep in mind you needn't spend every minute with them. Find other things to do that will be of more interest to you -- and then join them for meals away from the casino.
Alternatively, consider making the next vacation a short cruise. Some of the larger ships offer gambling -- and many other enjoyable activities.
If it's any comfort, I'm with you all the way. Gambling has never appealed much to me. I prefer a sure thing!
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently discovered that my son and his girlfriend, "Lois," are sexually active. They have been seeing each other about nine months and both of them will be 18 in a few months. When her parents found out, they called us and the six of us had a discussion at our home.
Lois' father suggested -- and I agreed -- that they should stay apart for a time and think about their relationship and the consequences of sexual activity. At the time, I presumed that they would be allowed to see each other again at some point.
Abby, these are basically good kids. Neither experiments with drugs. Both get good grades and are involved in school activities. They are good people who made an error in judgment. I feel we must make sure they understand that sex is special and not for just anyone, and that they need to know the importance of safe sex.
My son told me today that Lois' father is considering not letting her leave for college in the fall, and her mother may quit her job to stay home to keep an eye on her during the day. What do you think? -- SAN FRANCISCO DAD
DEAR DAD: I think the young woman's parents have overreacted. They can't keep her under lock and key forever. They have failed to consider that their daughter will be 18 in only a few months and can legally move out of the house.
Your attitude is a far healthier one for all concerned. As much as they might wish to, they cannot protect their daughter from the realities of life -- and by age 18, sex is very much a reality to many people.
Heating Daughter's Pool Is Raising Dad's Temperature
DEAR ABBY: My daughter and son-in-law earn twice as much as my wife and I do. They insist that we visit them each year in California. My wife and I both have arthritis and find a heated pool therapeutic. They have a swimming pool, but they expect us to pay to heat it when we visit.
This is embarrassing because my three stepdaughters never expect us to pay for anything when we visit them, and we never ask our children to pay for anything when they visit in our home. Last year, my son who lives in Ohio paid to have his sister's pool heated while we were visiting in California.
Should we refuse to pay to heat my daughter's pool or keep our mouths shut and ante up? -- "HEATED" DAD IN MICHIGAN
DEAR "HEATED" DAD: It costs more to live in some areas of the country than others. Although your daughter and her husband earn twice as much as you do, their living expenses may be greater than yours, and it's possible their budget won't stretch to include heating the swimming pool.
If you haven't done so already, discuss this problem calmly with your daughter to determine if there is a reason for their request. Should you find their budget cannot accommodate heating the pool for you, ante up without complaining. If it causes you financial hardship, shorten your visits.
A word of caution: It never works in anyone's favor to compare one child with another, since their financial realities could be entirely different -- and comparisons could create hurt feelings.
DEAR ABBY: I was recently named executor and sole beneficiary of the estate of a dear relative who passed away. One of my cousins had the nerve to contact the attorney for the estate and demand to know why she hadn't received her inheritance.
Please, let me share a few "truths" that may save a lot of time, expense and hurt feelings for other families:
1. People of sound mind have the right to disburse their assets the way they choose.
2. No one owes anyone anything at the time of death (beyond paying personal debts, and final medical and funeral expenses).
3. An inheritance is a gift, not an obligation.
4. If your name is not on the list of beneficiaries, the deceased obviously had his or her reasons not to leave you anything.
If you loved and cared about the person who died, you will always have beautiful memories to treasure -- and in the end, isn't that what really matters? -- BLESSED IN IOWA
DEAR BLESSED: Your letter reminds me of a quotation by Henry Fielding (1707-1754): "If you make money your god, it will plague you like the devil."
WORTH SHARING: "The age of a person doesn't mean a thing. The best music is played on the oldest violins." -- Jesse Andrews (submitted by Herman M. Katz, Sierra Vista, Ariz.)
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Gladly Rises and Shines to Send Husband Off to Work
DEAR ABBY: I can't believe that "Sleepless in New Jersey" complained because her husband woke her at 4 a.m. to say goodbye before leaving for work.
My husband also gets up at 4 a.m., but I am right by his side -- fixing his breakfast, packing his lunch, kissing him goodbye, making sure he starts his day off right. A hassle? Sure it is, but I do it because my husband sacrifices for our family each day by working at a job that requires him to get up early so I can stay at home with the children.
I have three young children to take care of, a home-based business and many other things I give my all to each day. I am sometimes tired and do occasionally nap. My husband is able to come back in the afternoon, and the rest of the day is family time.
It sounds to me as though "Sleepless's" husband is doing anything he can to make her pay some attention to him. Any book on divorce will tell her that if she doesn't fulfill her husband's needs, he'll find someone who will. She may find that if she thinks less of herself and puts forth more effort for her husband, she may no longer need separate bedrooms. -- HAS A GREAT MARRIAGE IN INDIANA
DEAR GREAT MARRIAGE: I received a slew of mail regarding that letter, and reactions to it were all over the map. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Sleepless" should thank God she has a husband to "disturb" her at 4 a.m. to offer a loving goodbye. How I wish I could be disturbed once more. My husband, my love, was robbed and shot to death at our family business last Feb. 23 at 6:10 a.m. It happened right after he telephoned me to say, "I just called to tell you how much I love you."
You don't know what you will miss until it is taken from you. You may print my name. -- CAROLYN IVEY, MARION, ALA.
DEAR CAROLYN: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your tragic loss. My heart is with you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Sleepless" said she and her husband have separate bedrooms because his snoring keeps her awake. My husband is also a snorer. He has sleep apnea. Our saving grace is a breathing machine (CPAP) that allows him to get enough air. Yes, it makes a bit of noise -- nothing like snoring -- and is a bit unromantic. But we've adapted, and we both get a good night's sleep. I suggest her husband check with his doctor. -- CHARI IN OCEANSIDE, CALIF.
DEAR CHARI: An excellent suggestion. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 21 years snored loudly, too. We had separate beds, and he always left for work without breakfast or a kiss from me. Today he shares his life with another woman -- his new wife. He had minor surgery to correct the snoring and lost some weight. He's a happy, healthy man.
For all those women who feel inconvenienced by their husband's needs or minor flaws, I have three suggestions: (1) Prepare to support yourself financially; (2) remind yourself not to miss a man's love, touch and companionship; and (3) send him my way. I'll take him! -- READER IN CLEVES, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: "Sleepless" needs to get a grip! If she feels she's abused, tell her to talk to a battered woman. -- HACKENSACK, N.J.
DEAR ABBY: Tell "Sleepless" to purchase a night-light so her husband can see her when he kisses her.
I wonder who the "abuser" in that marriage really is. Didn't she say she locked him out of the bedroom so he wouldn't wake her? -- AWAKE AND IN LOVE IN ILLINOIS
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)