Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Ringing Declaration Sets Bride's Confusion Straight
DEAR ABBY: "Too Many Rings in Arizona" wrote you that her fiance had given her his grandmother's ring as an engagement ring, but that she preferred to wear her deceased mother's rings, which her father had been keeping for her marriage. She asked whether it would be wrong for her to ask her fiance to allow her to wear her mother's rings rather than his grandmother's.
You said to go ahead and ask him, and to offer to wear the grandmother's ring on her right hand -– or, if that bothered him, to have her mother's rings made smaller and wear them as a pinky ring on her left hand.
I disagree! When you marry, you promise to forsake all others, keeping thyself only unto him as long as you both shall live. With that in mind, which ring is more significant to the union, his choice or her father's?
If "Too Many Rings" values her father's pledge to her mother more than her fiance's commitment to her as his chosen member of his family, then she can wear her mother's rings rather than his heirloom. -- TWICE A WIFE, TWICE WIDOWED IN EDISON, GA.
DEAR TWICE: More than a few -– but not all -– of those who responded to that letter agreed with you. To me, the most important thing was that the young woman and her fiance be able to communicate frankly with each other -– and possibly reach a compromise –- about something that is obviously important to both of them. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Here's another idea for "Too Many Rings in Arizona." Before my wife and I became engaged last year, she expressed her desire for a ring with a three-diamond setting. She also inherited both of her grandmothers' engagement rings. My college roommate is a jeweler and was able to use the two diamonds and add a third in making my wife's dream ring. The ring has additional sentimental value because two of the diamonds had belonged to her grandmothers, and it was made by my college roommate. -- NEWLYWED IN LEXINGTON, S.C.
DEAR ABBY: A bride-to-be does NOT wear rings inherited from her parents on the hand she "gives" to her husband. She wears HIS rings -– the rings HE gives her -– as a traditional and deeply meaningful symbol of their union. She may certainly wear any other jewelry her taste allows, including inherited rings, on her right hand (although one would hope not at the wedding).
With the engagement and marriage, she ceases to be Mommy and Daddy's little girl, and that's an important part of the ring symbolism. She wouldn't want to send her betrothed, her parents and the rest of the world the wrong message, now, would she? -- JOHN IN POWDER SPRINGS, GA.
DEAR ABBY: A possible solution might be to take all of the rings in question, melt them down, and have a jewelry designer design something to the couple's specifications. That way material from all of the rings would be incorporated into their rings, and there would be added sentimental value.
More than 30 years ago I had wedding bands designed for my wife and me, and I still haven't seen anything else like them. -- JAY IN CANDIA, N.H.
DEAR JAY: Your idea warms my heart. There's something appealing about having all that family history combined into something they could both wear to symbolize their love for each other and their future together.
Tale of Toddler's Tumble Is Word to the Wise for Parents
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday I treated a 2-year-old who had fallen three stories out the window of his suburban home. I was moved by the little fellow's plight, and the obvious emotional and physical effects of the trauma. For me it was deja vu because eight years ago, my darling nephew, who lived just across the road from me, did the same thing. He fell two stories to the back yard below.
On my way home yesterday, I mentioned the small sky diver to a neighbor. To my astonishment, she informed me that another neighbor had a near miss recently with her 2-year-old. Mom caught her just as the little one popped a second-story screen out of the window.
Abby, I don't know how often this happens, but I have a feeling it's a growing problem. Many modern suburban homes have tall windows that start just a few inches above the floor. A 2-year-old is too young to realize the risk, but heavy enough to lean against a window screen and dislodge it.
In my family's case, the child's mom thought she'd open the window just enough to let some fresh air into his room while he napped. Unfortunately, he woke quietly and fooled with the window screen while his mother thought the baby was safely sleeping.
All three children survived, but I am truly concerned. Please warn parents. -- DR. ANN KOSA, CHIROPRACTOR, ALPHARETTA, GA.
DEAR DR. KOSA: Stories of children falling out of windows are becoming more common. Parents and caregivers should never assume screens are so securely attached that they will support the weight of a small child. Parents who can afford it would be wise to install interior "decorative" guardrails at the base of windows. An exuberant child doesn't have to fall two stories to be injured. The glass itself could be a hazard.
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and a serious martial artist. I am depressed because I lost a fight at the state championships. Everyone said I was going to sweep all the medals, but I lost. I tried and tried -- I fought with everything I had. But I couldn't avoid my opponent's kicks.
Everyone now looks at me like I'm a loser. Maybe I lost because I'm inexperienced, because it was my first tournament. Or maybe I just don't have what it takes to be a winner. I lost my will and confidence, and this little voice keeps telling me I'm a loser and don't deserve to fight anyone because I'm nothing.
Is it possible to become better at something even though you think you're at the peak of your ability? -- DEPRESSED TEEN IN THE DESERT
DEAR TEEN: Certainly! No one reaches the top without having failed -- usually more than once. Everyone has setbacks. We often learn more from our failures than our successes.
Consider yourself a champion in the making. Look back over the tournament, see what your weaknesses are, and work on correcting them. One loss does not a loser make. The trait that makes a champion is perseverance. Don't give up. Continue striving to be the best you can be, and you'll climb the ladder of success.
A HAPPY FOURTH TO MY READERS. What a great country we live in. In the words of an Irving Berlin song, "God Bless America."
Please celebrate this holiday safely, with joy and gratitude to our forefathers, our military, and all of those who work to keep this the land of the free and the home of the brave.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY WOMB-MATE: Happy birthday, Sissy!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Second Graders Are Spellbound by Grandpa's Stories of Youth
DEAR READERS: Mail still continues to arrive regarding the 80-year-old talkaholic. People identified strongly with that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Take this storyteller to any grammar school, rest home or veterans hospital. The list is endless.
Our 7-year-old grandson invited Grandpa to visit his second-grade classroom and tell them about growing up on a ranch and being a real cowboy. The children hung on my husband's every word. (Grandpa also brought relics to show.) Our 10-year-old grandson was green with envy and quickly asked Grandpa to visit his classroom -- another success.
Rotary, church and civic groups all ask this natural storyteller to reminisce when a scheduled speaker fails to appear. They know Russ remembers details about the development of our area's water, roads, subdivisions, politics -- even though he may not recall today's date.
These "talkaholics" are a national treasure. Please urge your readers to utilize these people. They have the time, plus priceless memories to share with all age groups. -- TALKAHOLIC'S PROUD WIFE IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR PROUD WIFE: You're right. Our seniors are a precious resource, and like our other national resources they should not be ignored because they cannot last forever. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: That 80-year-old gentleman's family might suggest to him that a written account of his youth is needed because his experiences are far too important to lose. These stories should be recorded for future generations.
If for some reason he's unable to record them himself, enlist the help of another family member -- perhaps a grandchild -- to record those stories and preserve those precious memories. If necessary, use a tape recorder or video camera.
I would treasure such an account. The older you get, the more interesting are the lives of family members who came before you. Every life has experiences, both good and bad, that are worth preserving. Someday, an enterprising family member might want to combine all the accounts into a book. Wouldn't you love to have such an account of your family? I would! -- CURIOUS ABOUT GRAMPS, SLIDELL, LA.
DEAR CURIOUS: Yes, I would. Unfortunately, my parents -- and many other relatives -- were reluctant to discuss in detail what life was like in Russia before they immigrated to the United States. Those stories are forever lost to me. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Older people tell us the world as they see it. The stories they relate may be entertaining, teach a moral, involve an old trauma they are trying to work through, or be part of the significance of their lives or relationships. These stories are pure gold.
Ask for details about how things looked, when it happened, who else they knew at the time, where their brothers, sisters and parents were when it happened, what foods they served and what music was popular. If you're tired of a particular story, ask lots of questions. Help them remember another story you haven't heard -- anything they might recall that could have taken place in their lives.
I wish my father, aunts and uncles would have allowed me to tape-record their stories, but none would. Perhaps they were ashamed of their accents. They are all dead now. How I wish I could enjoy them just once more. -- ARLYNN GRIMM, LIVERMORE, CALIF.
DEAR ARLYNN: Hold a good thought. If you believe in an afterlife, your wish will come true.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)