To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
No Matter What They Call It, They Are Still Shacking Up
DEAR ABBY: A 70-year-old man wrote that he has been seeing a recently widowed woman, and they are considering living together. He asked how he should introduce a live-in companion to friends. You gave him a variety of choices, running the gamut from "best friend," "partner" and "sweetheart" to "friend."
Abby, there is NO acceptable term to call someone you are shacked-up with. A person's age does not matter. If they are living together in sin, that is what it is!
We need to stop accepting unacceptable behavior. Your best advice for "Confused" should have been to do the right thing: Marry the lady. -- TIRED OF ALL THIS MISBEHAVING, SANTEE, CALIF.
DEAR TIRED: I disagree. The gentleman did not ask whether or not he should marry the lady. Times have changed. Seniors who live together choose to do so for a variety of reasons, which are usually well thought out. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Tell the 70-year-old Florida widower not to hesitate in calling the widow his wife. Long before governments issued licenses, a marriage was -- and still is -- essentially an oral contract. A license per se does not keep people married. A license is simply a matter of record against any litigation.
If an elderly couple has spelled out all their health and financial involvements for each other, let them be husband and wife. Our courts still rule fairly whether every detail is spelled out or a marriage license is in sight.
Certainly the license concept is good, as it prohibits underage unions and marriage falsifications. But for the government to use it as a gun to rob the elderly of pension or handicap benefits is a disservice.
Why California needs to charge a $60-plus marriage license fee (tax) is another issue. It's an impediment to the poor. Maybe Florida charges as much. Yes -- she can be his "best friend," etc., but in God's eyes and those of their witnesses, that couple can also be husband and wife. -- PASTOR WIL NUCKOLLS, FAIR OAKS, CALIF.
DEAR PASTOR NUCKOLLS: I admire your compassion and your wisdom. I know there are pastors such as yourself who are willing to perform "commitment ceremonies." I hope the couple in question takes your letter to heart.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband passed away recently. We were married for 17 years -- divorced for 16 -- and we had three children. Both of us had happily remarried years ago.
Since his death, my closest friends (and even my sister) keep asking me, "Are you OK?" "Are you going to be all right?" I find this very annoying.
I think their sympathy should be expressed to my children instead of me. Have you any suggestions as to what I can say to them? -- EX-WIFE IN KENTUCKY
DEAR EX-WIFE: Your certainly don't want it to appear that you don't care that your ex-husband has died. Simply say: "Yes, I'm fine. I'm sure the children would love to hear from you."
DEAR ABBY: I would like to add this to your "You Know When You're Getting Old" collection:
You know you're getting old when you don't recognize a single celebrity in the "Today's Birthday" column of your newspaper! -- JOSEPH H. ZIMMERMAN, WILMINGTON, DEL.
Surgeon Keeps Office Hours for Patients, Not for Family
DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of five siblings. There is a large age gap between my older siblings and me, and quite frankly, despite the fact that I am now a 38-year-old physician, they seem not to take me seriously.
My problem is that my family members insist upon calling me while I am at work. I am a surgeon, and although you might find this hard to believe, these folks think that because they are "family" it's OK to contact me at any time during the day. I have tried to explain that I need to focus on my patients during office hours, but they continue to call, write and send packages to me at the office.
I have instructed my staff not to interrupt me and to inform any family member who calls that I prefer to be called at home, unless there is a life-threatening emergency. My father and oldest brother have actually been rude to my staff and have later chastised me for my policy. Every member of my family has my home address and telephone number, but the behavior continues. Complicating the matter, my family has never cared much for my beloved wife of eight years, whom they have wrongly accused of not passing on messages.
What steps would you take to remedy this behavior? My family members read your column, so your response would be greatly appreciated. -- TROUBLED IN TACOMA
DEAR TROUBLED: I don't blame you for feeling annoyed. Despite your considerable achievements, your parents and siblings still regard you as the baby of the family who should be available to them at the drop of a scalpel. That you have a medical practice to maintain is less important to them than immediate gratification. Since your requests to receive personal calls at home are ignored, instructing your staff to protect you is about the best you can do.
P.S. Perhaps if you returned their calls promptly, your wife would not be blamed so often for failing to relay phone messages.
DEAR ABBY: My family needs your help to solve a serious problem that is causing hard feelings. My wife's cousin, who is from a middle-class family, is being married this summer. He and the bride are planning a large wedding, and we were told the invitations will state "formal attire."
Abby, very few, if any, of the guests own formal attire, and family members feel the dress code is rude and inconsiderate. It creates an expense we should not have to bear to attend the wedding.
I also need to know if we will be expected to purchase a gift for the couple if we go to the expense of buying formal attire. It seems to us that our presence in expensive formal attire should be present enough. What should the family do about attending the wedding with this restriction on the attire of the guests? -- CONFUSED IN OVERLAND PARK, KAN.
DEAR CONFUSED: The cost of attire is not a substitute for a wedding gift. If you rent or buy formal wear and attend, you should stretch your budget far enough to get the couple at least a token gift. However, if attending a formal wedding will create a financial hardship, send the couple your very best wishes on this happy occasion, along with your regrets for skipping the ceremony.
DEAR ABBY: The item in your column, "You know you're getting older when ...," prompts this letter. This really happened to me:
You know you're old when your doctor is the same age as your grandchildren. What a wake-up call that was! -- BRIAR MC CUTCHEON, PORTLAND, ORE.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman's Claims on Husband Clash With Those of His Wife
DEAR ABBY: I met a really nice guy at a child's birthday party. About a week later we ran into each other at a museum. We talked and exchanged e-mail addresses. A week later I e-mailed him and the conversations began. I found out he was unhappily married.
We continued to e-mail each other. During every conversation, he told me how much he wanted to remove himself from his marriage; however, he didn't want to leave his children. He asked several times to take me to lunch or dinner. Because he was married, I refused.
Then last January, he asked if he could take me out for my birthday. I agreed to lunch. We had a wonderful two hours, and I kissed him at the end of lunch. What a great kiss it was! In March, he moved out of their home and into his own place. Then he filed for legal separation. (I saw the paper with both signatures.)
Since his move, his wife has begun to question him about seeing other people. According to him, she doesn't want him back, but she doesn't want him with anyone else. She insists he keep the children every weekend and any evening he isn't working.
Over the past month, our communication has declined. He's exhausted from working two jobs and spending every non-working moment with the children. He says repeatedly that he wants us to continue seeing each other, but he no longer has the time to see me or even e-mail me. Frankly, I don't see his wife changing her pattern anytime soon.
Last weekend, he told her he couldn't pick up the children on Friday night because he had "other plans." When he arrived at his apartment, she was sitting in the parking lot and insisted he take the children. He refused; she became angry and violent. He did not pick up the children that evening, but picked them up bright and early Saturday morning. What do you think is best for everyone involved? -- HIS FRIEND IN VIRGINIA
DEAR FRIEND: Right now, your new friend is in "no man's land." He's not exactly married, but he's not free either.
What's best for everyone involved? Marriage counseling for the man and his wife to see if they can resolve their differences. If they can't be resolved, then a divorce.
As for you, keep your distance and stay out of the line of fire. He may be separated, but he's still a married man. If you're looking for a future with him, it could be years -- and a lot of frustration and heartache -- away.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think of a woman who accepts a marriage proposal at her deceased fourth husband's memorial luncheon? And are we, her circle of friends, wrong to be shocked, scandalized and disapproving of this? She says it's "God's will." Does God run a dating service? Please advise. -- ASTONISHED IN GOODYEAR, ARIZ.
DEAR ASTONISHED: Unless the man who made the marriage proposal was one of the waiters, it's safe to assume that the grieving widow and the suitor are well acquainted. Have you never heard of a "match made in heaven"? If you are truly her friends, try to be less judgmental and happier for her.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)