For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Surgeon Keeps Office Hours for Patients, Not for Family
DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of five siblings. There is a large age gap between my older siblings and me, and quite frankly, despite the fact that I am now a 38-year-old physician, they seem not to take me seriously.
My problem is that my family members insist upon calling me while I am at work. I am a surgeon, and although you might find this hard to believe, these folks think that because they are "family" it's OK to contact me at any time during the day. I have tried to explain that I need to focus on my patients during office hours, but they continue to call, write and send packages to me at the office.
I have instructed my staff not to interrupt me and to inform any family member who calls that I prefer to be called at home, unless there is a life-threatening emergency. My father and oldest brother have actually been rude to my staff and have later chastised me for my policy. Every member of my family has my home address and telephone number, but the behavior continues. Complicating the matter, my family has never cared much for my beloved wife of eight years, whom they have wrongly accused of not passing on messages.
What steps would you take to remedy this behavior? My family members read your column, so your response would be greatly appreciated. -- TROUBLED IN TACOMA
DEAR TROUBLED: I don't blame you for feeling annoyed. Despite your considerable achievements, your parents and siblings still regard you as the baby of the family who should be available to them at the drop of a scalpel. That you have a medical practice to maintain is less important to them than immediate gratification. Since your requests to receive personal calls at home are ignored, instructing your staff to protect you is about the best you can do.
P.S. Perhaps if you returned their calls promptly, your wife would not be blamed so often for failing to relay phone messages.
DEAR ABBY: My family needs your help to solve a serious problem that is causing hard feelings. My wife's cousin, who is from a middle-class family, is being married this summer. He and the bride are planning a large wedding, and we were told the invitations will state "formal attire."
Abby, very few, if any, of the guests own formal attire, and family members feel the dress code is rude and inconsiderate. It creates an expense we should not have to bear to attend the wedding.
I also need to know if we will be expected to purchase a gift for the couple if we go to the expense of buying formal attire. It seems to us that our presence in expensive formal attire should be present enough. What should the family do about attending the wedding with this restriction on the attire of the guests? -- CONFUSED IN OVERLAND PARK, KAN.
DEAR CONFUSED: The cost of attire is not a substitute for a wedding gift. If you rent or buy formal wear and attend, you should stretch your budget far enough to get the couple at least a token gift. However, if attending a formal wedding will create a financial hardship, send the couple your very best wishes on this happy occasion, along with your regrets for skipping the ceremony.
DEAR ABBY: The item in your column, "You know you're getting older when ...," prompts this letter. This really happened to me:
You know you're old when your doctor is the same age as your grandchildren. What a wake-up call that was! -- BRIAR MC CUTCHEON, PORTLAND, ORE.
Woman's Claims on Husband Clash With Those of His Wife
DEAR ABBY: I met a really nice guy at a child's birthday party. About a week later we ran into each other at a museum. We talked and exchanged e-mail addresses. A week later I e-mailed him and the conversations began. I found out he was unhappily married.
We continued to e-mail each other. During every conversation, he told me how much he wanted to remove himself from his marriage; however, he didn't want to leave his children. He asked several times to take me to lunch or dinner. Because he was married, I refused.
Then last January, he asked if he could take me out for my birthday. I agreed to lunch. We had a wonderful two hours, and I kissed him at the end of lunch. What a great kiss it was! In March, he moved out of their home and into his own place. Then he filed for legal separation. (I saw the paper with both signatures.)
Since his move, his wife has begun to question him about seeing other people. According to him, she doesn't want him back, but she doesn't want him with anyone else. She insists he keep the children every weekend and any evening he isn't working.
Over the past month, our communication has declined. He's exhausted from working two jobs and spending every non-working moment with the children. He says repeatedly that he wants us to continue seeing each other, but he no longer has the time to see me or even e-mail me. Frankly, I don't see his wife changing her pattern anytime soon.
Last weekend, he told her he couldn't pick up the children on Friday night because he had "other plans." When he arrived at his apartment, she was sitting in the parking lot and insisted he take the children. He refused; she became angry and violent. He did not pick up the children that evening, but picked them up bright and early Saturday morning. What do you think is best for everyone involved? -- HIS FRIEND IN VIRGINIA
DEAR FRIEND: Right now, your new friend is in "no man's land." He's not exactly married, but he's not free either.
What's best for everyone involved? Marriage counseling for the man and his wife to see if they can resolve their differences. If they can't be resolved, then a divorce.
As for you, keep your distance and stay out of the line of fire. He may be separated, but he's still a married man. If you're looking for a future with him, it could be years -- and a lot of frustration and heartache -- away.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think of a woman who accepts a marriage proposal at her deceased fourth husband's memorial luncheon? And are we, her circle of friends, wrong to be shocked, scandalized and disapproving of this? She says it's "God's will." Does God run a dating service? Please advise. -- ASTONISHED IN GOODYEAR, ARIZ.
DEAR ASTONISHED: Unless the man who made the marriage proposal was one of the waiters, it's safe to assume that the grieving widow and the suitor are well acquainted. Have you never heard of a "match made in heaven"? If you are truly her friends, try to be less judgmental and happier for her.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Divorcee Still Proudly Displays Her Wedding Picture at Home
DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for three years. My ex-husband and I remain on good terms. Our 13-year-old son lives with me.
I was wondering, Abby, if it is appropriate to display a wedding picture of my ex and me in the living room. -- JANICE IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR JANICE: If looking at the wedding picture gives you and your son pleasure and brings back memories of the "good times," there's certainly no harm in displaying it. However, if and when you begin a serious relationship, I'd recommend putting it away -- or giving it to your son for his room.
My instincts tell me you still have romantic feelings for your ex. If he feels the same way, get joint professional counseling and see what develops. It is not unheard of for people to remarry.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are planning a small, intimate wedding in September. He's one of three children. One of his sisters is planning an October wedding. His other sister is being married next month.
His parents have asked us to put our wedding plans on "hold" until both of his sisters are married because 1) they are older, 2) they were engaged first, and 3) three weddings in one year is a lot for one family to handle. Incidentally, Abby, we do not live together and we're paying for our own wedding.
We do not want to wait until 2001 to marry. Are we selfish to want our wedding the way we want it? I'd appreciate your perspective. -- UNCERTAIN IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR UNCERTAIN: Since you're planning and paying for your own wedding, and the groom's family has limited participation in most weddings, I see no reason to postpone the happy event. To put a positive spin on it, your future in-laws will probably refer to the year 2000 as "The Year of the Weddings" in their family.
DEAR ABBY: Please print "Ten Commandments for a Mother-in-Law." They have been a guiding light for me for years. Actually, the title should probably be "Ten Commandments for ALL In-Laws." -- GRATEFUL MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR GRATEFUL: You could be right. They contain much wisdom. Read on:
TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR A MOTHER-IN-LAW by Iola M. Irwin
Thou shalt love, honor and respect the new couple.
Thou shalt allow them complete independence.
Thou shalt speak only kindly and loyally about them.
Thou shalt not find fault.
Thou shalt not visit them too frequently, and never enter their home without knocking.
Thou shalt not expect them to visit you too often.
Thou shalt not give advice unless requested.
Thou shalt not mention how much you look forward to grandchildren.
Thou shalt respect their taste in home decorating, though it differs from your own.
Thou shalt petition daily the Heavenly Father, in whose love they abide, for their happiness.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)