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Kids Who Are Cruel to Animals Often Are Victims Themselves
DEAR ABBY: After 30 years of reading your column, I am impelled to respond to "Seen It in Seattle," the letter regarding the St. Bernard who was teased by a neighbor child until it turned vicious and finally had to be euthanized.
I am sorely troubled by that letter. Do you realize how many systematic acts of cruelty that would have taken, especially for a breed as placid and gentle as a St. Bernard?
One has to ask -- where were the parents, the neighbors, the owners of the dog? Why would so many people look on impassively while a tethered animal was tortured into insanity? The way the helpless are treated is the measure of a society.
People of good will and conscience MUST speak up when they witness abuse. Abby, please encourage readers to be a voice for the voiceless. -- PUZZLED IN CORAL SPRINGS, FLA.
DEAR PUZZLED: I already do -- and with the help of people like you I will continue to do so. All that is needed for evil to thrive is for people of good will to look the other way. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This concerns the letter about the child's cruelty to the St. Bernard. This is a difficult letter to write because, as a child, I physically abused cats and dogs. It was not because I had a "conduct disorder" -- it was because I myself was beaten and sexually molested by my father on a regular basis from the time I was 4 years old until I was a young teen-ager.
The pain I caused those animals haunts me to this day. For the past several years, I have volunteered at my local animal shelter. I have also rescued cats and dogs. It's a small way to make amends for what I did as a child.
The reason for my letter is to warn adults not to just look at the child who is abusing the animals, but to look at who could possibly be abusing the child. -- SURVIVOR IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SURVIVOR: You have written a powerful letter. A child who abuses animals -- or other children -- desperately needs intervention and professional help. You are not the only reader to point out that this could indicate abuse in the household. Children from healthy, loving families rarely become abusers. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The first cruelty in this case was keeping the poor dog tied up all day every day. If the dog's owners could not provide a fenced yard, they should never have taken the dog.
The late, famed anthropologist Margaret Mead said: "One of the most dangerous things that can happen to a child is to torture or kill an animal and get away with it."
The child in this case needs help and isn't getting it, and -- as is usually the sad case -- the poor dog paid the price after having suffered for so long. -- ELEANOR J., COTTONDALE, ALA.
DEAR ELEANOR: Anyone who sees an animal being abused should telephone the SPCA, animal control and/or the police. If the perpetrator doesn't get help, a child could be next.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Troubled in Connecticut" about what to call her in-laws reminded me of a funny story.
After my husband and I were married, he asked my mother what he should call her. Her reply was, "Your Majesty will do." -- HAPPY IN HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR HAPPY: I like her sense of humor. Apparently your "Queen Mother" recognized a prince when she saw one.
One Way Conversationalists May Find Themselves Alone
DEAR ABBY: What has happened to the art of conversation? My husband and I practically run away from some people -- not because of what they are saying, but how much they talk.
We were having dinner in a restaurant recently, and a new acquaintance came in alone. We invited him to join us, and from that moment on, we never spoke again -- just listened as the man droned on and on nonstop. I couldn't believe he could talk and eat at the same time. Another time, a relative we hadn't seen in about 15 years came to our home for dinner. He sat down at our table and proceeded to talk, talk, talk. When he left five hours later, I told my husband that other than knowing where we live, he doesn't know a thing about us.
I have read about young men and women who, even though they are educated, cannot get dates. Perhaps they should ask themselves when they are with new people, who is doing the talking? Both of them? Or is one of them dominating the conversation so there isn't any real give-and-take of ideas?
Please, people: Ask questions about the person you are with. Wait for an answer before jumping in again. I guarantee you'll have friends all around you instead of people walking backward to get out of your range. -- HEARD ENOUGH IN EAU CLAIRE, WIS.
DEAR HEARD ENOUGH: I agree. Being a good listener will do more for a person's popularity rating than being a good talker. People enjoy talking about themselves and their interests if given the chance. And they usually regard the person who's an appreciative audience as a fascinating conversationalist.
Some individuals talk incessantly out of nervousness or because they're compulsive talkers. However, to turn a conversation into a soliloquy is selfish. One of the most appealing traits a person can have is a sincere interest in other people. A person who comes into your company and does all the talking is no less a hog than the person who comes to your table and eats all the food.
DEAR ABBY: I am a day-care provider in Maryland with a touchy problem. The parents of one of my charges (he's 12 months old) have him in an unsafe car seat. It's an infant rear-facing seat for tiny babies that they have turned forward. He hangs over the edges, and I can't even see how it's attached by the seat belt, if it is at all. This child weighs 20 pounds and needs a proper car seat.
If anything happened to him because I didn't say something, I would never forgive myself. But I don't think it's my place to butt in. These are wonderful people, and I really care about their kids. Please advise me. -- DAY-CARE DILEMMA
DEAR D.D.: Speak up. The parents can be excused for their ignorance, but there is no excuse for keeping silent when you know a child is in danger -- and that child is in danger every time he is placed in his parents' car. Please don't procrastinate.
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Offers to Help Can Ring Hollow to Those Who Are Depressed
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from the Minnesota woman whose godson committed suicide at 18. At the funeral the minister asked for a show of hands from people who would not mind a phone call in the middle of the night from a depressed friend who needed to talk. Every hand went up.
I would like to say this: Many people SAY they are open to such a phone call. As someone who deals with chronic depression and has a history of attempted suicide, please let me share some of my experiences with "reaching out": My usually kind mother criticized me to the point of tears. Good friends have gone into their own problems before I could speak, or have been too busy to talk or call me back.
If you DO "raise your hand" as someone willing to take a call, be ready with love, support and understanding. If you feel you cannot do this, please be honest and kind enough to say so. -- HEALING IN RENO
DEAR HEALING: As loving and caring as friends and family might be, everyone must realize that chronic depression is an illness. While they may be willing to lend an ear -- and many are not -- the wisest course of action is to get the person to a doctor ASAP for professional evaluation and treatment. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: After a suicide, people react. The depressed person "should have" sought help. He or she "should have" called. Well, it's not that simple. More often, other people are distant. They don't really want to hear about the hopelessness and distress. Only in retrospect are they available, when it's too late -- and maybe that's the lesson: We are so busy living our own lives that we don't see it coming.
Depression is an isolating condition. Even when one finds help it can be a long, discouraging process. Prozac doesn't work for everyone. Perhaps if people were more aware of how a clinically depressed person sees the world, perhaps if people knew the right questions to ask, perhaps if people understood the depth of the despair and hopelessness, things would be different.
Please don't use my name. I'm constantly alert so that I keep my depressive tendencies under control -- and oh, what a difference in the quality of life! It's like putting on one's glasses and seeing individual leaves on the trees. I wish I'd been diagnosed earlier. -- DOYLESTOWN, PA.
DEAR DOYLESTOWN: Thank you for educating others about depression. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I wish easing the pain of depression was as easy as asking others for help. When your brain is in a blender at full speed, it's difficult for the proper connections to be made. Picking up a phone can be as overwhelming as picking up a 1,000-pound barbell.
What will help people with depression is more funding, research, scientific breakthroughs in medication and education. Our society has a lack of information about depression. Depression is an illness, not a "lack of character."
My heartfelt sympathy goes out to the godmother who lost her godson at such an early age. It's a tragedy. -- A MOTHER IN OREGON
DEAR MOTHER: I agree. The answer lies in research and education. Sick people should not be stigmatized. Anyone suffering from depression that lasts longer than two weeks should discuss it with a doctor and ask for a referral to a mental health specialist. If that's not possible, a suicide or crisis hotline should be contacted.
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