Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Toddler's Accidental Death Ends Another Life as Well
DEAR ABBY: I have started this letter to you a hundred times, but have never been able to finish it. I hope you will print it.
When I was 16, my mother had a baby -- my only sister. Mom was almost 40 and my brother was 12. After we adjusted to the shock, my sister became the joy of our life. Her smile could banish the gloomies, and she was a treasure to us all.
Sadly, less than two years later (only three weeks after my high school graduation), my best friend -- who lived next door -- accidentally backed her car over my sister, killing her instantly. My little sister had escaped from our back yard without our family's knowledge. It was the worst day of my life, and worse still for my friend. My parents did their best to comfort her, but her large family included her own baby sister who was nearly the same age as mine and was a constant reminder of the tragedy.
Abby, people drive through our neighborhood far too fast. I want to run after them and shout, "Don't you know you could never stop at this speed if a child ran in front of your car? Don't you know that if you kill a child, there will be two deaths? Your life will be over, too."
My family recovered from my sister's death, but my friend never did. The accident ruined her life. She had been at the top of her class, and everyone expected a bright future for her. Instead, she lived through failed counseling, broken marriages, and her career crashed -- all because of a tragic accident that wasn't her fault. She just couldn't forgive herself.
At our 20th high-school reunion, a former classmate asked me, "Hey, whatever happened to that girl who killed that kid?" I responded, "That girl was our class secretary and my best friend, and that kid was my sister."
Please remind your readers that no car needs a heavy foot on the gas while navigating a residential area. And for good measure, before starting a car, walk the long way around to the driver's door so you can check behind the vehicle. Investing a few extra seconds for safety may save a precious child's life -- and your own as well. -- LONELY SISTER IN CHESAPEAKE, VA.
P.S. If you print this, I will clip it and anonymously mail it to a couple of neighbors -- mothers who should know better than to race around our neighborhood.
DEAR LONELY SISTER: I'm printing your letter for all to see. Your message is one I hope every driver will take to heart.
DEAR ABBY: My partner and I, who are in our 50s, have two terrific friends who are in their 30s. They are generous, considerate and polite, but have a habit that drives us crazy. Whenever they visit, we usually wind up in the kitchen where they sit their backsides on the counter to talk and visit. There are chairs and barstools in the area. Proper seating should not be a problem.
Are we being old-fashioned or is this impolite? If so, how do we correct the situation? -- HOMER IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR HOMER: Your friends are used to a more casual kind of hospitality than you are used to extending. As long as their backsides are covered, I see nothing wrong with their sitting on the counter. However, since it offends you, request that your guests seat themselves where you prefer. (An alternative would be to spray the counter with bleach before they arrive ... only kidding!)
Sexually Active Teens Must Take Responsibility for Health
DEAR ABBY: I am a third-year medical student completing my pediatrics rotation. I recently saw a 14-year-old girl who thought she might be pregnant because she was experiencing symptoms of morning sickness. As her mother and I listened, she described having had unprotected sex for several months.
I knew she needed a pregnancy test, pelvic exam, a Pap smear to check for cervical cancer, and special tests for various sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). When I explained this to the patient and her mother, they both seemed shocked that we could perform a pelvic exam on such a young teen. (There are smaller instruments made especially for younger girls.) It took much reassurance before we could proceed.
Abby, please inform sexually active teen-age girls that they need a pelvic exam and Pap smear AT LEAST once a year. The best time to start is BEFORE having sex so the teen can learn about "safe sex" -- and lower the risk of pregnancy and STDs.
Most states allow teen-agers to receive confidential medical care and information regarding contraception, pregnancy and STDs without parental permission. Teens can seek free or low-cost treatment from local health departments and family planning clinics.
Of course, sexual activity involves more than one person. Teen-age boys also need to take responsibility for their health and the health of their partners.
If teens are too embarrassed to talk to medical providers about preventing pregnancy and STDs, they are too young and immature to have sex. -- MED STUDENT IN RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR MED STUDENT: I agree. Thank you for your information and insight. It's unfortunate that many young adults engage in sexual relationships for which they are neither physically nor emotionally ready. They need to know it's all right to say no. A mature sexual relationship involves not only taking care of oneself, but also taking care of the partner.
P.S. You are going to be a wonderful doctor!
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and have written a poem. The facts in this poem are real. This happened to someone I know. -- SAD FOR MY FRIEND IN L.A.
DEAR SAD: Your poem is an eye-opener, and I'm sure it will generate comment.
SHE'S 13 YEARS OLD
She used to tell me, "When you are ready." "Take your time." "Don't rush things." "Enjoy life as it is."
Look who's talking ...
She's 13 years old and she's having a baby.
She would say, "It won't happen to me. I'm smart
and I won't make the wrong decisions."
Now look at who's the smart one ...
She's 13 years old and she's having a baby.
She would say, "It'll be so much fun in high school. I'm going to go to all the dances and proms."
Now she'll be stuck at home because ...
She's 13 years old and she's having a baby.
She would say, "I'll go to all the parties and stay out until 2:00 in the morning."
She'll be home at 2:00 in the morning, trying to keep her baby from crying.
She's 13 years old and she's having a baby.
She would say, "My baby will grow up with a father. Not like me."
Now where's the father? He's moving out of state.
She's 13 years old and she's having a baby ... alone.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
PARENTS FEAR REHEARSAL DINNER MAY GROW BEYOND THEIR MEANS
DEAR ABBY: My stepson is being married this summer. Both he and his fiancee have been away from the area to attend college and graduate school. Their friends are scattered throughout the country as well as Europe.
They have chosen a reception hall midway between our hometown and that of her parents. (Each of us will have to travel about 45 minutes.)
My husband and I have offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Her mother is paying for the wedding -- an elaborate cocktail reception. Although the wedding party is small, my stepson's fiancee claims that all out-of-town guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. My husband and I disagree. We feel it is customary to invite parents, siblings and wedding party members and their spouses only. They plan on having 150 to 200 guests at their reception. Please give me your comments, Abby, as I don't feel it is our responsibility to host people they may just want to "party" with. -- MIFFED IN EASTON, PA.
DEAR MIFFED: The etiquette experts are not in complete agreement about whether out-of-town guests "must" be included in the rehearsal dinner.
According to the "Modern Bride Complete Wedding Planner" by Cele Goldsmith Lalli and Stephanie H. Dahl: "The rehearsal dinner may be as formal or as informal as you and the hosts like, and will include all members of the wedding party and their spouses, as well as the clergy, parents and grandparents. OUT-OF-TOWN WEDDING GUESTS SHOULD ALSO BE INVITED." (Emphasis is mine.)
"McCall's Engagement and Wedding Guide" advises: "The rehearsal dinner is likely to be a sizable undertaking. All attendants are always invited; it is also polite to include the husband or wife of a married attendant and to ask the fiance of an engaged attendant. The parents of the ring bearer and flower girls are invited, though they will usually leave these very young attendants with a baby sitter unless the hostess has made special provision for them. If the clergyperson is a family friend or from out of town, he or she is included, as is the spouse. Otherwise, the clergyperson is not invited to this gathering. Special out-of-town relatives MAY also be invited." (Emphasis is mine.)
According to "Emily Post's Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette," it is permissible to exclude out-of-towners at the rehearsal dinner, especially when the wedding party is large and other parties have been planned for those visitors.
Under no circumstances should you entertain more guests at the rehearsal dinner than you can comfortably afford. To help defray the cost, an alternative solution might be for some of the bride and groom's friends to host an informal gathering for the out-of-town guests.
DEAR ABBY: When we were little, my father lovingly changed our evening prayer. As your readers know, it is:
"Now I lay me down to sleep,
"I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
"If I should die before I wake,
"I pray the Lord my soul to take."
My father deleted the last two mournful lines and taught my brother, Andy, sister, Polly, and me to say instead:
"Forgive my doing what was wrong,
"And make me pure and wise and strong."
Perhaps other parents and grandparents would like to say this with their little ones. Do you like this? My father's name was Casper Schenk of Des Moines, Iowa. -- PEGGY SMITH, ARIZONA CITY, ARIZ.
DEAR PEGGY: I like it very much. Your father was a sensible and sensitive man.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)