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Sexually Active Teens Must Take Responsibility for Health
DEAR ABBY: I am a third-year medical student completing my pediatrics rotation. I recently saw a 14-year-old girl who thought she might be pregnant because she was experiencing symptoms of morning sickness. As her mother and I listened, she described having had unprotected sex for several months.
I knew she needed a pregnancy test, pelvic exam, a Pap smear to check for cervical cancer, and special tests for various sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). When I explained this to the patient and her mother, they both seemed shocked that we could perform a pelvic exam on such a young teen. (There are smaller instruments made especially for younger girls.) It took much reassurance before we could proceed.
Abby, please inform sexually active teen-age girls that they need a pelvic exam and Pap smear AT LEAST once a year. The best time to start is BEFORE having sex so the teen can learn about "safe sex" -- and lower the risk of pregnancy and STDs.
Most states allow teen-agers to receive confidential medical care and information regarding contraception, pregnancy and STDs without parental permission. Teens can seek free or low-cost treatment from local health departments and family planning clinics.
Of course, sexual activity involves more than one person. Teen-age boys also need to take responsibility for their health and the health of their partners.
If teens are too embarrassed to talk to medical providers about preventing pregnancy and STDs, they are too young and immature to have sex. -- MED STUDENT IN RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR MED STUDENT: I agree. Thank you for your information and insight. It's unfortunate that many young adults engage in sexual relationships for which they are neither physically nor emotionally ready. They need to know it's all right to say no. A mature sexual relationship involves not only taking care of oneself, but also taking care of the partner.
P.S. You are going to be a wonderful doctor!
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and have written a poem. The facts in this poem are real. This happened to someone I know. -- SAD FOR MY FRIEND IN L.A.
DEAR SAD: Your poem is an eye-opener, and I'm sure it will generate comment.
SHE'S 13 YEARS OLD
She used to tell me, "When you are ready." "Take your time." "Don't rush things." "Enjoy life as it is."
Look who's talking ...
She's 13 years old and she's having a baby.
She would say, "It won't happen to me. I'm smart
and I won't make the wrong decisions."
Now look at who's the smart one ...
She's 13 years old and she's having a baby.
She would say, "It'll be so much fun in high school. I'm going to go to all the dances and proms."
Now she'll be stuck at home because ...
She's 13 years old and she's having a baby.
She would say, "I'll go to all the parties and stay out until 2:00 in the morning."
She'll be home at 2:00 in the morning, trying to keep her baby from crying.
She's 13 years old and she's having a baby.
She would say, "My baby will grow up with a father. Not like me."
Now where's the father? He's moving out of state.
She's 13 years old and she's having a baby ... alone.
PARENTS FEAR REHEARSAL DINNER MAY GROW BEYOND THEIR MEANS
DEAR ABBY: My stepson is being married this summer. Both he and his fiancee have been away from the area to attend college and graduate school. Their friends are scattered throughout the country as well as Europe.
They have chosen a reception hall midway between our hometown and that of her parents. (Each of us will have to travel about 45 minutes.)
My husband and I have offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Her mother is paying for the wedding -- an elaborate cocktail reception. Although the wedding party is small, my stepson's fiancee claims that all out-of-town guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. My husband and I disagree. We feel it is customary to invite parents, siblings and wedding party members and their spouses only. They plan on having 150 to 200 guests at their reception. Please give me your comments, Abby, as I don't feel it is our responsibility to host people they may just want to "party" with. -- MIFFED IN EASTON, PA.
DEAR MIFFED: The etiquette experts are not in complete agreement about whether out-of-town guests "must" be included in the rehearsal dinner.
According to the "Modern Bride Complete Wedding Planner" by Cele Goldsmith Lalli and Stephanie H. Dahl: "The rehearsal dinner may be as formal or as informal as you and the hosts like, and will include all members of the wedding party and their spouses, as well as the clergy, parents and grandparents. OUT-OF-TOWN WEDDING GUESTS SHOULD ALSO BE INVITED." (Emphasis is mine.)
"McCall's Engagement and Wedding Guide" advises: "The rehearsal dinner is likely to be a sizable undertaking. All attendants are always invited; it is also polite to include the husband or wife of a married attendant and to ask the fiance of an engaged attendant. The parents of the ring bearer and flower girls are invited, though they will usually leave these very young attendants with a baby sitter unless the hostess has made special provision for them. If the clergyperson is a family friend or from out of town, he or she is included, as is the spouse. Otherwise, the clergyperson is not invited to this gathering. Special out-of-town relatives MAY also be invited." (Emphasis is mine.)
According to "Emily Post's Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette," it is permissible to exclude out-of-towners at the rehearsal dinner, especially when the wedding party is large and other parties have been planned for those visitors.
Under no circumstances should you entertain more guests at the rehearsal dinner than you can comfortably afford. To help defray the cost, an alternative solution might be for some of the bride and groom's friends to host an informal gathering for the out-of-town guests.
DEAR ABBY: When we were little, my father lovingly changed our evening prayer. As your readers know, it is:
"Now I lay me down to sleep,
"I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
"If I should die before I wake,
"I pray the Lord my soul to take."
My father deleted the last two mournful lines and taught my brother, Andy, sister, Polly, and me to say instead:
"Forgive my doing what was wrong,
"And make me pure and wise and strong."
Perhaps other parents and grandparents would like to say this with their little ones. Do you like this? My father's name was Casper Schenk of Des Moines, Iowa. -- PEGGY SMITH, ARIZONA CITY, ARIZ.
DEAR PEGGY: I like it very much. Your father was a sensible and sensitive man.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIFE FUMES WHEN HUSBAND TRIES TO BE ONE OF THE GIRLS
DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old mother of four. I have had the same problem with my husband ever since we were dating.
My husband is a fifth wheel! When I have friends over, he is always right there. My girlfriends and I can be sitting at the kitchen table talking about anything from childbirth to table settings, and he will come in, sit down, and throw in his 2 cents' worth. It's embarrassing; no one else's husband ever hangs around. They are all somewhere watching football, having a brew or whatever else men do when women aren't around. (And sometimes when we are around!)
It makes me so mad I could spit fire. Abby, I don't sit in the middle when my husband's friends come over. I try to respect his privacy. What would I have in common with a bunch of men anyway? That's why I can't understand why he's always sitting around with all of us women.
How can I tell him to get lost without hurting his feelings? The only thing that has kept me from blowing my stack so far is the fact that I love this man, and I know how sensitive he is. He will be hurt if I tell him I don't want him around my friends and me all the time. No matter how nice I am, he'll take it as an insult. -- MUST I SHARE EVERYTHING?
DEAR MUST I: You married a man who doesn't fit the usual masculine stereotype and appears to have broader interests than your friends' husbands do. Many women would love to have a husband like yours, someone with more than the usual common male interests.
However, since you're feeling encroached upon, rather than waiting until you explode with frustration, find a time when he's receptive and explain that there are times women like to discuss "private" things, that the presence of a male is inhibiting, and your friends need some time alone with you.
DEAR ABBY: The letters about obscene phone calls reminded me of something that happened when I was a teen-ager.
A group of us would hang out at "Charlie's" house after school and on weekends. We'd play pingpong, cards, watch TV or just "shoot the breeze." One night, a boy named "Mark" began making obscene phone calls. He would dial random numbers, make a few crude remarks, and then hang up and laugh. We all wanted him to stop, afraid the calls could be traced and we'd all get in trouble. He refused. He said he was having too much fun to stop.
Another friend, "Clint," said he wanted to make the next call. Mark handed him the phone. Clint dialed a number, then quickly handed the phone back to Mark, saying, "I'm too nervous. YOU talk."
Mark took the phone and made his usual crude remarks. His face turned white as he heard a woman say, "Mark, is that you?" Mark slammed the receiver down and asked, "What number did you dial?!" "Your home phone," Clint replied.
As the rest of us howled, Mark actually burst into tears. Perhaps it was a cruel lesson, but Mark never again made an obscene phone call. -- STILL LAUGHING IN L.A.
DEAR LAUGHING: It may have been cruel, but the day your friend "talked trash" to his mother was a day I'm sure none of you will forget!
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