What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Your response to the grandparent who was concerned because her 13-year-old granddaughter had a mustache was incomplete. You focused only on the cosmetic problem when she may have a true medical problem. She should be evaluated by her primary-care physician to rule out a medical basis for her excess body hair.
For example, she may have polycystic ovaries syndrome, which is associated with hirsutism (excess body hair), obesity, menstrual irregularities and enlarged ovaries. It may later reveal itself as a cause of infertility, adrenal or ovarian tumors. Also, certain medications could cause excess body hair.
Most cases of hirsutism are benign, and a complete history and physical by a physician can provide the much needed reassurance that a teen-ager is normal. The visit also gives pediatricians (or family practitioners) an opportunity to touch base with a population notorious for avoiding doctors -- adolescents. Not only are they underimmunized, they are also the group most in need of anticipatory guidance on issues such as abstinence, safe sex, birth control, STDs, drugs, alcohol, smoking, guns, nutrition, school performance, sports and safe driving.
Thank you, Abby, for championing these issues with such candor in your column. -- JENNIFER FORDAN-HERMAN, M.D., VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.
DEAR DR. FORDAN-HERMAN: Several doctors wrote to point out that the girl's problem could be medical in nature rather than cosmetic, and that she should be evaluated by a physician. Having once been a furry teen-ager myself, I assumed that she could deal with the problem cosmetically -- shaving, waxing, bleaching, etc.
I would like to address the other issue you mentioned. Adolescents may be notorious for neglecting their health, but they are still minors. It is their parents' job to make sure the health and well-being of their children are protected. This includes ensuring annual checkups with the eye doctor, dentist and primary-care physician. It also includes ensuring that teen-agers understand the importance of good nutrition and exercise. There is no excuse for young adults to be underimmunized and without the information they need in order to remain healthy.
DEAR ABBY: May I suggest that you follow your column promoting Pet Adoptathon 2000 with this brief postscript -- license your pet! Licensing your dog or cat is part of the proper care and attention that, as you explained, all pets deserve. Every year, thousands of lost pets are reunited with their loving families because they are wearing a current license or have other identification, such as a microchip. Tragically, many lost pets who are not licensed become statistics.
Here in King County, Washington, our Pet Partnership Program is successfully promoting pet licenses. We are working with suburban cities and pet owners throughout our region to spread this important message and to encourage residents to be responsible pet owners. This is a key element of saving and promoting the lives of our faithful animal companions. -- RON SIMS, KING COUNTY EXECUTIVE, SEATTLE
DEAR RON: I'm pleased to publicize this important reminder. Every pet deserves to have an identity. Should it get lost, a license could mean the difference between life and death. Readers wanting information about pet licenses should call their city or county animal regulation department and inquire.
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to your recently printed letter from "Concerned in Pennsylvania," who asked what advice could be given to children who suffer abuse in their homes and cannot leave. We receive calls of this type regularly at Childhelp USA.
While all forms of abuse or neglect are harmful physically, emotionally or psychologically to children, authorities may not think a situation is serious enough to permanently remove children from their homes. Moreover, the abuse may be unknown to all but the perpetrator and the victim. Often victims are scared silent because they are frequently threatened, told it's all their fault or that no one will believe them. Victims may have mixed feelings because the perpetrator is an important person in their lives.
Youngsters in these types of situations must be made aware of the following:
1. You are a victim, and the abuse you are suffering is not your fault.
2. You do not deserve to be treated this way.
3. If you are being burned, bitten, or hit hard enough to leave marks or bruises, you are being abused.
4. If you are not being fed well enough or taken to the doctor when you are sick, if you are locked in a room for hours, or left home alone at too young an age -- you are being neglected. Neglect is a form of abuse.
5. If you are made fun of, called names, told you are unwanted or that you are worthless or stupid, you are being emotionally abused.
6. If any of the above are being done to you, please find someone you trust and tell them. A family member, a teacher, the school nurse, the school counselor, someone at your church, a neighbor or anyone you can trust must be told. Ask them for help. Make them believe you. Show them the marks.
7. Try not to be alone with any person who hurts you.
8. Listen to your little voice inside when it says that what is being done to you is not right.
Childhelp USA serves the United States, its territories and Canada 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You don't have to give your name and address, and no fee will appear on your phone bill. Our counselors are professionals who understand your problems and are always ready to help. We can take calls in 140 languages. The Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-422-4453. The TDD line for hearing-impaired is 1-800-222-4453. The Web site is www.childhelpusa.org.
You never have to feel that no one cares or there is nowhere to turn. Call! -- CHRIS MONACO, PH.D., DIRECTOR
DEAR CHRIS: Yours is one of the most important letters I have ever received. People who suspect a child they know is being abused should call local child protection agencies, local law enforcement or the Childhelp USA Hotline. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have important advice for children who are being abused:
If you are being hurt by someone through sexual, physical or emotional abuse, or are thinking about hurting yourself, please call your local law enforcement officials or our Boys Town National Hotline, 1-800-448-3000. Help is available.
We also provide tips for children and parents on our Web site: www.boystown.org.
If you do not have a trusted adult or someone who will listen, our highly trained telephone counselors will listen and do something to help. -- FATHER VAL J. PETER, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, BOYS TOWN USA
DEAR FATHER PETER: I commend you and your staff for the wonderful work at Boys Town. Thank you for making this service available to boys AND girls.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Don't Hesitate to Reach Out to Friend Who Needs Help
DEAR ABBY: The letter about depression and suicide prompts my own letter. Only one in five people who suffer from a mental illness seek help. As some of those with a history of mental illness stated in their letters, reaching out for help is often a task that seems insurmountable. And broaching the subject with a loved one can be difficult for many reasons. Fear of being told to "mind your own business" can be a big impediment to friends and families who would like to extend a helping hand.
However, if you are truly concerned about a friend or loved one, the most compassionate action is to express that concern.
How to intervene:
(1) Clearly outline for yourself the reasons you feel the person needs help. Make sure they are for the person's benefit -- and not for your own selfish reasons.
(2) Create a special time to express your desire to help your friend or loved one by saying you would like to set aside some time to talk about "something important" and asking, "When would be a good time?" Be sure it's in an emotionally safe environment where you won't be overheard or interrupted. Then communicate how important he or she is to you and the reasons you feel there could be a benefit from counseling. (DON'T say what your friend or loved one is doing is "wrong.")
(3) Be direct, honest and compassionate. Practice stating your reasons in a positive, non-blaming way.
Abby, let's make it commonplace to reach out to others and say, "How are things really going for you? I'm not just asking to make conversation ... I'd really like to know because I care about you." -- DR. KEVIN GROLD, DEL MAR, CALIF.
DEAR DR. GROLD: Your helpful letter illustrates the importance of forethought in trying to achieve ANY kind of intervention -- be it for alcohol, drugs, depression or other mental health problems. While the majority of people may be reluctant to attempt this, some will want to -- and your letter provides valuable tools for them.
DEAR ABBY: How do I tactfully explain to my stepdaughter (my husband's child from his first marriage) that I do not wish to be a baby sitter to her three little girls (my three grandkids)? I have never been around children, never baby-sat any kids, and always feel uncomfortable around them. I never had the desire for children of my own, and the thought of baby-sitting three little girls overwhelms me.
My husband's daughter and I became acquainted only a year ago. She was never part of our life during her growing years, until last year after she got married. She is now 26 and will be moving to our town in a few months. What's the best way to explain my feelings without making her feel rejected, which is probably what she felt all her growing years. Help! -- NEW MOM AND GRANDMA IN WASHINGTON
DEAR N.M. AND G.: The best way to approach it is to broach the subject well in advance of being asked to baby-sit. Tell your husband's daughter exactly what you told me -- that you have zero experience with small children and weak maternal instinct. Therefore, she should not count on you as a baby sitter. A supportive friend and ally -- yes. A baby sitter -- no. Say it with a smile. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)