DEAR ABBY: The letter about depression and suicide prompts my own letter. Only one in five people who suffer from a mental illness seek help. As some of those with a history of mental illness stated in their letters, reaching out for help is often a task that seems insurmountable. And broaching the subject with a loved one can be difficult for many reasons. Fear of being told to "mind your own business" can be a big impediment to friends and families who would like to extend a helping hand.
However, if you are truly concerned about a friend or loved one, the most compassionate action is to express that concern.
How to intervene:
(1) Clearly outline for yourself the reasons you feel the person needs help. Make sure they are for the person's benefit -- and not for your own selfish reasons.
(2) Create a special time to express your desire to help your friend or loved one by saying you would like to set aside some time to talk about "something important" and asking, "When would be a good time?" Be sure it's in an emotionally safe environment where you won't be overheard or interrupted. Then communicate how important he or she is to you and the reasons you feel there could be a benefit from counseling. (DON'T say what your friend or loved one is doing is "wrong.")
(3) Be direct, honest and compassionate. Practice stating your reasons in a positive, non-blaming way.
Abby, let's make it commonplace to reach out to others and say, "How are things really going for you? I'm not just asking to make conversation ... I'd really like to know because I care about you." -- DR. KEVIN GROLD, DEL MAR, CALIF.
DEAR DR. GROLD: Your helpful letter illustrates the importance of forethought in trying to achieve ANY kind of intervention -- be it for alcohol, drugs, depression or other mental health problems. While the majority of people may be reluctant to attempt this, some will want to -- and your letter provides valuable tools for them.
DEAR ABBY: How do I tactfully explain to my stepdaughter (my husband's child from his first marriage) that I do not wish to be a baby sitter to her three little girls (my three grandkids)? I have never been around children, never baby-sat any kids, and always feel uncomfortable around them. I never had the desire for children of my own, and the thought of baby-sitting three little girls overwhelms me.
My husband's daughter and I became acquainted only a year ago. She was never part of our life during her growing years, until last year after she got married. She is now 26 and will be moving to our town in a few months. What's the best way to explain my feelings without making her feel rejected, which is probably what she felt all her growing years. Help! -- NEW MOM AND GRANDMA IN WASHINGTON
DEAR N.M. AND G.: The best way to approach it is to broach the subject well in advance of being asked to baby-sit. Tell your husband's daughter exactly what you told me -- that you have zero experience with small children and weak maternal instinct. Therefore, she should not count on you as a baby sitter. A supportive friend and ally -- yes. A baby sitter -- no. Say it with a smile. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.
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