DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing this girl for almost six months, and she means the world to me, but I get so upset when plans we make fall through.
The other night I suggested going to a movie, and later when I called to see if she wanted to go, she said she was just going to hang out at home and take it easy. I understand why and everything, but for some reason this extreme anger builds up inside me, and I end up being silent, and she knows I'm upset. The same thing happens if she gets called in to work -- she's a server, and if she gets offered a good shift (Friday or Saturday), then she's going to take it unless we have some major plans.
I totally understand why she needs to do this stuff (she's a part-time student as well), but it still doesn't prevent me from getting angry. I really care for this girl, and I don't want to do anything to hurt her in any way, but I can't seem to control these feelings. They subside after about half an hour, but by then I have already upset her.
Do you know of anything I can do to control my feelings -- maybe count to 100 before I say something? -- ANGRY IN OTTAWA
DEAR ANGRY: Actions are controllable; feelings less so. Learning to understand your feelings would be a step in the right direction, because your anger comes from hurt. Some sessions with a psychologist to probe into why you take normal changes of plans so personally might provide insight. Most people react with disappointment to such occurrences, not with extreme anger.
In the meantime, instead of counting to 100, remind yourself that people run away from those who pout, sulk and make others uncomfortable by applying the silent treatment.