For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Foster Grandparents' Menu Is Causing a Family Stew
DEAR ABBY: We have been invited to my foster parents' home for a celebration that includes a meal of venison. My wife and young children do not like that kind of food. The host asked for help with the veggies and desserts. We obliged, and told him that we would also bring pizza for the kids, who are 2, 6 and 9 years old. (They know from past experience that the kids won't eat venison.)
My foster parents objected to this -- they feel that everyone should eat what's put in front of them. Most of their meals are what one would call "eccentric." It will be mealtime when we arrive, and we don't want to starve the kids. Are we out of line, or should they be more accommodating to the palates of their guests? -- PARENT IN LOWELL, MASS.
DEAR PARENT: You are not out of line; you are realistic. Your foster parents are the ones with the problem -– their rigidity.
That old philosophy that children should eat what's put in front of them regardless of whether it's palatable went out of fashion decades ago. It is now understood that children are PEOPLE with individual tastes, and food should not be forced upon them. If your foster parents can't grasp the concept, feed the kids before you go to their house. And keep family dinners at their place to a minimum until your children are old enough to appreciate their "eccentric" taste in food.
P.S. You wife is old enough to deal with this in her own way.
DEAR ABBY: I discovered this list on the last page of the 1999 Old Farmer's Almanac. I hope you think it is worth printing.
I was surprised that the "Golden Rule" is found in every faith. -– DOING MY BEST IN BLOOMINGTON
DEAR DOING: I, too, was surprised. Finally! There is something upon which we all agree. Read on:
BRAHMANISM: This is the sum of duty: Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you. (Mahabharata 5:1517)
BUDDHISM: Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. (Udana-Varga 5:18)
CONFUCIANISM: Surely it is the maxim of loving-kindness: Do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you. (Analects 15:23)
TAOISM: Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain and your neighbor's loss as your own loss. (T'ai Shang Kan Ying P'ien)
ZOROASTRIANISM: That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto another whatsoever is not good for itself. (Dadistan-I-dinik 94:5)
JUDAISM: What is hateful to you, do not to your fellowman. That is the entire law; all the rest is commentary. (Talmud, Shabbat 31a)
CHRISTIANITY: All things whatsoever ye would that man should do to you, do ye even so to them; for this is the law and the prophets. (Matthew 7:12)
ISLAM: No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself. (Sunnah)
Wife Ready to Call It Quits After 14 Years of Misery
DEAR ABBY: I've been married 14 years to "Joe," a man I don't particularly care for. We've had a rocky marriage from the start, and the longer we are together, the less I like him.
We have two children, ages 12 and 15. Joe ignores them and says he can't wait for them to grow up and leave. He claims to love me, but you'd never know it from his actions. He never considers my opinion or feelings -- and I can't stand him touching me. I prefer it when Joe isn't home.
He doesn't want a divorce, but I do. My 15-year-old daughter (by a previous marriage) doesn't care whether I stay with him or not, but our son would be devastated. Even though he and his dad don't do anything together, he says he loves him.
I know that divorce isn't supposed to happen in God's eyes (and I've already been divorced once), but I am miserable and would rather be single than struggling as I have for the past 14 years. I'm getting older -- and nowhere.
Do I sound confused? -- TIRED IN FLORIDA
DEAR TIRED: You aren't confused at all. You've had it with this poor excuse for a man. Offer him the option of marriage counseling, and if he hasn't shown improvement in six months, talk to a divorce lawyer.
Just because you are divorced doesn't mean your son can't see his dad often. And if he doesn't, the fault belongs to Joe.
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't agree more with "Sorry Now in South Carolina," who wrote about her "harmless little flirtation." (There is no such thing.)
A couple of years ago, I began flirting with a "sweet young thing" who worked in the same office building. She was full of personality, charm and good looks. Her welcome responses made me feel attractive.
Flirtation led to visits to my office "just to talk," which led to my calling her at home because we had become "such good friends." This, in turn, led to discussions about making love and an invitation to move in with her if I so desired.
There were absolutely no problems between my wife and me that caused me to behave like this. It was just the IDEA of the thing -- I thought I was "special" to that young woman, and it made me feel good.
When my ego had been boosted as high as it could go, I learned that I wasn't so special after all. It seems this young woman regularly had affairs with married men. I was just another challenge to conquer. She didn't care that she was wrecking someone's marriage, and she had no special feelings for me.
I used to be impressed when someone flirted with me. Now I ignore it and go on my way. I have finally realized that it's dishonest and insincere -- a fool's game. Thank God I wised up before it was too late. -- CLOSE CALL IN VIRGINIA
DEAR CLOSE CALL: You were lucky. Had your flirtation gone further, your wife would have been devastated and your marriage would have been trashed. I have a stack of letters from women whose hearts were broken because of extramarital affairs that began with a "harmless flirtation." Perhaps yours will make some of the office Romeos think twice.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman's Interest in Teen Spells Trouble to His Mom
DEAR ABBY: What do you get when you mix a 23-year-old woman with a 16-year-old boy? Trouble, as far as I'm concerned!
For the past couple of months, my 16-year-old son, Eric, has been involved with a 23-year-old woman I'll call "Lois." Eric is only a sophomore in high school, and he should be dating girls his own age. He is a sweet, outgoing young man and is very popular with the girls.
I'm not surprised that he is flattered by the attention of an older woman, and I'm sure he acts very mature when he is around her, but my son is very much an adolescent at heart.
Lois comes to our house late at night when she thinks we are asleep, or she stops by when he gets home from school and his father and I are still at work. I don't think it has turned into a sexual relationship yet, but I know it is not purely platonic in nature.
I'm trying very hard to discourage this relationship, but Eric tells me they share the same hopes for the future, and he really likes being with her. Gag me! Lois has been a friend of the family for a long time, but she is no longer welcome in our home. However, that hasn't kept her away.
Abby, why would a 23-year-old woman be interested in a 16-year-old boy? Please advise me. -- FURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FURIOUS: Lois could be socially or emotionally immature, which might explain her attraction to your son. But she has had time to gain far more worldly experience than he has, so regardless of how much he thinks they have in common, this could hardly be described as a relationship of equals.
Your next move should be a telephone call to your attorney about the advisability of a restraining order. Perhaps Lois' ardor could be cooled by explaining to her that, depending upon the circumstances, she could be subject to civil and criminal penalties if she continues to pursue your son.
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Ray," is an only child with exceptional talents. He is a 22-year-old college senior, an accounting major, and has already been offered a job upon graduation.
Ray recently completed a motorcycle safety course and would like to purchase one. My husband feels Ray is old enough to make his own decisions. Although I know he is a very responsible person and could handle it, I am absolutely against it. I even told him that if he bought a motorcycle, he would have to move out.
I love my son and don't want to deprive him of anything, but I'd worry about him every time he left the house.
Is there a magical age when a parent no longer should influence her child, or do you just never stop being a parent? -- WORRIED MOM
DEAR WORRIED: Parenthood lasts as long as the parent lasts, and sometimes it seems like an eternity! You and your husband will always be Ray's parents, and you will always be concerned about his safety and welfare.
Withdraw the ultimatum, because he will probably be moving out on his own after he starts earning his own money anyway.
Ray has taken motorcycle safety classes, and I'm sure you've shared your wisdom and common sense with him since he was a boy. The time has come to trust that you've done a good job. Cross everything that you have two of, and pray that your son will be one of the thousands of motorcycle enthusiasts who ride safely.
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